7 Behaviors Of An Emotionally Manipulative Gaslighter, According To Psychology
They'll leave you stuck in a web of deception.
Jorge Simmons | Unsplash Being gaslighted in a relationship is an experience that you want to miss. The problem is that gaslighting can be so subtle that you miss the signs. Any relationship can make you feel self-doubt, but there's a difference between being gaslighted and having a compatibility issue.
What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that uses psychological manipulation. Often referred to as a destroyer of relationships, it's a dysfunctional tactic rooted in manipulation, where one person, intentionally or not, makes another feel completely insane and alters their perception of reality.
Noticing that you're being gaslighted is a bit harder than people think because the victim is already in their head trying to figure out what is real or not. To know if someone is gaslighting you, you have to look at yourself: Ask yourself if you're being more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
Are you often wondering if you're being too sensitive? Do you feel like everything you do is wrong, and when things do go wrong you always think it's your fault? Does your partner make you feel confused about things you used to be confident about? If this is how you feel and think, you are likely with an emotionally manipulative gaslighter and need to respond.
Here are seven behaviors of an emotionally manipulative gaslighter, according to psychology:
1. They make you feel like your feelings and concerns are unimportant
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In a healthy relationship, open communication takes place, and that includes holding each other accountable when needed. But in an unhealthy relationship where gaslighting is in the mix, the gaslighter may resort to verbal abuse and slowly erode their partner's sense of mental well-being.
By invalidating feelings and concerns, they prey on the goodness and benefit of the doubt that is naturally given to someone you love. By doing so, they can hide whatever truth they want to conceal.
Over time, the victim starts to accept what's unwanted and enters denial, although deep down they know what they feel is real. This is one of the targets of gaslighting.
2. They call you a liar even when you tell the truth
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Discrediting your beliefs is a gaslighting tactic that is used throughout the entire dynamic, from little inconsequential matters (like feeling that a room is too cold and being told that it's all in your head rather than offering you a sweater), to bigger matters (like feeling sick and being denied that your symptoms are real).
When you're gaslighted in a relationship, your feelings are the first thing that need to go. So, if they are under attack, there's a good chance you're being gaslit.
Gaslighters aim to make you question your perceptions and beliefs about events. An article by Middle Georgia State University explained that by telling you that you are lying when you know you are telling the truth, they are essentially trying to rewrite your reality. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don't let someone else's version of reality invalidate your own.
3. They chip away at your self-esteem
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Everyone picks on the ones they love from time to time, but when statements are made to wound your self-esteem, that's when you know the situation is set up for failure.
An exchange of ideas and beliefs in a safe and healthy relationship is welcomed, except if you're being gaslit. If your partner insists that the reason you think the way you do, or that your thoughts are a product of flawed thinking due to a childhood wound that you've shared, there's a problem.
People who gaslight will take their knowledge of your weaknesses and use them against you. Oftentimes, that's when they will (typically, begrudgingly, because why not add a little guilt in the mix) and offer their help (one more time) to keep you dependent on them. But the truth is that is their way of keeping control of the situation.
4. They tell you they're paranoid, even when you know your suspicions are right
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This happens more often in relationships where one partner is cheating, and you have evidence to prove the infidelity.
When a person is confronted with receipts for flowers or dinner dates, or phone call lists made to someone that you know they are having an affair with, but are told you're wrong, there's a good chance gaslighting is happening. A person gaslighting you could even have undeniable facts right before their eyes and still deny them.
Research argues that this behavior can erode your self-trust and make you rely more on the gaslighter for validation. If you're constantly told your accurate suspicions are paranoia, you might start to doubt your judgment and become dependent on the gaslighter's perspective.
5. They tell you you're overly sensitive
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Sensitivity is nature's way of alerting your mind and emotions that something needs to be paid attention to, but that's the last thing a gaslighting predator needs or wants.
Rather than trying to find a way to help fix the problem or change the way they handle whatever situation is hurting your relationship, the problem is turned back on you and your inability to handle stress.
If your sensitive nature is under attack and your emotions are starting to dull and numb, be mindful that you might have a relationship where you're being demeaned.
6. They refuse to admit they're being dishonest
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Since the core ingredient to a gaslighting situation is the authority — subordinate power play, it's that same dynamic that keeps the game going.
The person getting gaslighted doubts their instincts. So rather than trust their intuition, they ask their partner, the gaslighter, to help them figure out what's going on.
But the person who is doing the gaslighting doesn't want you to know what's going on because that's the whole point of the gaslighting. So, instead of admitting they are wrong or helping to clarify matters, they use this opportunity to increase their dishonesty.
If your partner consistently lies and refuses to admit their dishonesty despite your awareness, research has found that this manipulative behavior is designed to make you doubt your reality and judgment. It's important to recognize these signs and seek outside support if you are experiencing this form of emotional abuse.
7. They explode when you try to leave, then love-bomb you with empty promises
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To regain control of their mental well-being, victims of gaslighting sense that the only way back to sanity is to get out of the relationship. However, that's when things can get dangerous because the gaslighter begs, pleads, and love-bombs you to get you to come back to them.
The bottom line: If you find yourself in a relationship where each question you ask seems to be met with a completely off-base answer, and the more you probe the more your partner puts the blame back on you, you might be in a relationship where you're getting gaslit.
Aria Gmitter, M.S, M.F.A., is YourTango's Senior Editor of Horoscopes and Spirituality. She studies with the Midwestern School of Astrology and is a member of the South Florida Astrological Association.
