11 Phrases Brilliant People Use To Defend Themselves In Arguments Without Looking Defensive
You can defend yourself without looking immature and inexperienced.
Face Stock | Shutterstock Many people prefer to avoid arguing if at all possible because they don't like confrontation. But it's impossible to make it through life without any arguments at all. There really is an art to arguing so that you can defend yourself and make sure you get the respect you deserve, all without sounding immature. It all comes down to setting boundaries, and becoming familiar with the phrases brilliant people use to defend themselves in arguments without looking defensive.
Of course, a lot of people are intimidated by the thought of setting boundaries. Physician Dr. Susan Biali Haas pointed out that this can often happen because boundaries make the other person angry. "It's well known that bullies keep boundary-less people in line with anger," she said. But a brilliant person knows they can't let someone else's anger win. Instead, they bravely set the boundaries in the face of anger by defending themselves without ever actually sounding defensive.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant people use to defend themselves in arguments without looking defensive
1. 'You can't argue with the facts'
fizkes | Shutterstock
When a brilliant person is trying to defend themselves without actually appearing defensive, they're likely to appeal to logic. The facts are the facts and no one can argue with them, right?
Well, some people might still try to foolishly argue with things they know to be true just because they don't fit their narrative. Still, pointing out that the facts can't be argued with is a pretty good way to shut down someone who is trying to walk all over you.
This kind of appeal to logic is known as logos, which is "logical connections between ideas, and includes the use of facts and statistics," according to St. Louis Community College. "There should be no holes in the argument, also known as logical fallacies, which are unclear or wrong assumptions or connections between ideas."
When the facts are on your side, it's easy to develop a logos argument. Someone can choose to argue with the facts if they really want to, but they'll look pretty ridiculous doing so.
Brilliant people know that the facts are on their side, so they have nothing to worry about. As much as their opponent in the argument might talk them in circles, they will always come back to the truth.
2. 'I can respect that, but I don't agree with it'
Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock
Another tactic a brilliant person might take is to acknowledge the other person's opinion and their right to have it, but ultimately state that they can't support it. This is less defensive than just straight-up saying you disagree or attacking the other person's perspective. Instead, this is more constructive and allows both parties to hold on to their cherished beliefs without compromising them.
Psychiatrist Dr. Abigail Brenner said that one of the most important things you can do when you're arguing with someone that you want to treat with respect is to really listen to them. "Listening is an art," she shared. "Try to keep a clear head without thinking of the next response and try to be present so that you hear everything as it's being said to you."
While you may be tempted to shoot back at someone with your own thoughts, calmly listening and then saying that you value their opinion but disagree is what a brilliant person would do.
3. 'I understand why you think that, but it's not what I meant'
bixstock | Shutterstock
Another of the phrases brilliant people use to defend themselves in arguments without looking defensive is to clarify that whatever conclusion the other person has drawn isn't actually what they meant. Of course, there's a smart way to do this.
If you simply say something like, "That's not what I said!" you're definitely going to sound defensive. Instead, try acknowledging the opinion the other person has of what you said, and gently let them know it's not actually what you meant.
Karen Kwong, an executive and business psychology coach, said there are two things to consider when you're going to tell someone they're wrong. The first is determining if it really is necessary, and the second is to ask them how they reached that conclusion.
This could be a strategy to use when you want to say, "I understand why you think that, but it's not what I meant." Chances are it probably is necessary for you to point out that the other person is wrong if you're in the middle of an argument, but you can do so gently.
From there, you can ask how they got to that conclusion based on what you said — because you know that's not what you said. This could slowly unravel what the person you're arguing with is saying and show them that you're holding the moral high ground. Nothing is worth more than that.
4. 'I'm happy to discuss this, but we can't do that if it becomes personal'
DexonDee | Shutterstock
This statement is a great two-pronged approach, which is why it's favored by brilliant people. It starts off with saying you're really okay with having the argument. You're not trying to back out of it or find a way around it.
However, you have a stipulation. Really, it's a boundary. You can't continue the conversation if it is going to devolve into personal attacks and taunts.
This is known as an ad hominem fallacy, which Excelsior University's online writing lab said translates to "against the man." They continued, "An ad hominem fallacy occurs when someone attacks the person instead of attacking his or her argument. This approach can act as a method of discrediting an opponent or simply deflecting or avoiding the actual topic of discussion."
Ad hominem pops up when someone simply has nothing left to contribute to the argument. They don't have anything else of worth to discuss, so they attack the person they're arguing with and make everything personal.
A brilliant person will see right through this and put a stop to it. They know that they don't deserve to be attacked just because they hold a certain opinion. This allows them to defend themselves without looking defensive.
5. 'Maybe we're talking about two different things'
La Famiglia | Shutterstock
If a brilliant person sees an argument is going nowhere and they actually need to defend themselves from their opponent, one way for them to do so is to suggest that they and the other person are no longer even focused on the same topic.
It's easy enough for this to happen during an argument as everyone has their own beliefs and biases that they cling to. "Maybe we're talking about two different things" signals that you're politely defending yourself by suggesting the other person isn't really seeing your side of the argument.
"Sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone else could have another perspective when we feel so right about how we perceive a situation," life coach Allison Carmen said. "But if we are willing to pause and think about why the other person feels the way that they do, we might open our hearts a bit."
It can be difficult to acknowledge that you and your opponent are coming from different places, because that means acknowledging that there is more than one side to the story. However, brilliant people know this is necessary, not just to keep the peace, but to properly defend themselves.
Instead of saying that their opinion is the only one that can be right, they are willing to say the other person has a valid perspective, too. This makes it easier for them to defend themselves because it placates the other person.
6. 'I'm willing to keep talking as long as we show respect'
Motortion Films | Shutterstock
One of the most important boundaries you can set is the request to be shown respect. Brilliant people know that if the other person can't show respect in an argument, then it's likely best to take a step back from the discussion.
To defend themselves and make sure they are treated as they deserve to be, they may continue making the argument conditional upon being shown the respect that they should be extended. Psychologist Meghan Marcum said, "People set boundaries for their safety. Respecting them helps build trust in the relationship and shows the other person you care about their emotional well-being."
Even if you're arguing with someone, there's a good chance they are someone close to you. It's important for them to recognize and respect your boundaries. It's a great way to defend yourself, and it's a way for the other person to show that they care.
7. 'I'm ready to talk, not be talked at'
Violator22 | Shutterstock
Some people may mistake a brilliant person stepping in to defend themselves as a sign that they just want to avoid the argument altogether. This can seem even more true when that person comes from a place of true defensiveness.
But as one of the phrases brilliant people use to defend themselves in arguments without looking defensive, this one allows them to demonstrate that they actually are ready to have that conversation, no matter how hard it may be. They just don't want to be talked over, and really, walked over, in the process.
We've all been in a situation in which we felt like someone was talking at us and not to us. That's simply not the way to go about a respectful discussion. This is another example of boundary-setting.
"Boundaries are the emotional, mental and physical 'fences' that we erect in order to protect and maintain our psychological and physical needs," clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly explained. "In general, healthy boundaries are appropriately flexible to a situation. They are porous in healthy intimate relationships and firmer with those who do not have good boundaries and the outside world."
By saying that they're ready to have a conversation, but aren't going to just tolerate being talked at, a brilliant person is standing up for themselves. They're enforcing a boundary that has to do with the respect they expect to be treated with. This allows them to defend themselves and say they will only participate in an argument if they can have a real, two-way conversation.
8. 'I’m not upset, I'm just explaining my point of view'
BearFotos | Shutterstock
If the other person in an argument wants to fluster a brilliant person, they may try by accusing them of becoming upset and letting their emotions get the best of them. But one of the phrases brilliant people use to defend themselves in arguments without looking defensive is calmly stating that they are not upset, just explaining their perspective. This is a simple statement that doesn't feel overly defensive while still stepping in to make sure that person is being respected.
Strategist Avery Blank stated, "Have an opinion, and don't be afraid to express it. To make an impact and have your opinion heard, be conscious of how you deliver your thoughts. To paraphrase poet Maya Angelou, people forget what you say but not how you make them feel."
There's nothing wrong with having an opinion and expressing it. In fact, it's a natural part of life. You may have to defend yourself when expressing it, though.
You can easily be accused of taking something too personally or becoming emotional when you're just following the natural cadence of an argument. You can always defend yourself in that situation, and you don't have to look defensive to do it.
9. 'I based my perspective on evidence'
New Africa | Shutterstock
When someone tells a brilliant person that they're wrong, a typical response could be something along the lines of saying that their point of view is rooted in evidence. Again, the facts are hard to argue with.
If an opponent in an argument tries to tell you that you're wrong, you can simply tell them that your perspective is based on evidence. You are focused on the facts, and not anything else. That's what an intelligent person would do.
Dr. Brenner also pointed out how essential it is to stick to the facts when in the midst of an argument. "Sometimes people just want to be right and they'll fight to the finish in a discussion in order to prove that they're right," she said. "When you keep to the facts, your argument is logical and straightforward. The facts alone should keep a discussion lively and honest."
The great thing about saying that you based your perspective on evidence is that you're standing your ground in an argument without sounding defensive and coming across as petty. This is why it's important to stick to the things you know to be true instead of letting your emotions take over. While the other person may get wrapped up in feelings and lead to further confusion, a brilliant person will hold onto the data that can't be refuted.
10. 'Let's focus on the issue and not on each other'
fizkes | Shutterstock
When you're in an intense argument it's easy, and perhaps even part of human nature, to stoop to petty depths and take personal shots at your opponent. Brilliant people know this is no way to behave. Instead, they choose to focus on the topic they're arguing about. And, when the other person is a bit too focused on personally attacking them, they defend themselves by redirecting the conversation to the issue at hand.
Speaking about these kinds of personal attacks, also known as ad hominem, social psychologist Joachim I. Krueger said, "These arguments are not in good taste, and they can be downright mean. Ideally, arguments should be strictly limited to what is logical and empirical. Good arguments are coherent and compelling, and if they have empirical contents, they are based on facts and findings that can be checked by an audience and by skeptics in particular."
Pointing out someone else's faults can be relatively easy, especially compared to keeping up with a complex argument that's getting away from you. But doing so is a cheap shot and just hurtful.
Arguments should be focused on the relevant topic, not the other person and what could be seen as their failings. Arguments should never turn into excuses to hurt each other's feelings intentionally.
11. 'That's below my standards for respect'
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
When arguing, someone might take some pretty low blows and try to make the other person feel like they don't matter and their opinion is inconsequential. If this happens to a brilliant person, they'll know what to do. They simply set a boundary by saying that is below their standards for respect, and if their opponent isn't willing to change their tune, they won't be continuing the discussion.
Showing someone respect and doing the same for their boundaries is important, as licensed therapist Cristen Smith explained. "Respecting someone else's boundaries is an act of love," she shared. "When we can respect and listen to someone's boundary, even if we don't agree with it or understand it, we are saying 'you matter to me.'"
It's not hard to show someone respect and treat their boundaries the same way. Doing so doesn't even require understanding the boundary. All it takes is a sense of decency. When the other person can show that to a brilliant person, they won't feel the need to defend themselves and stand their ground so strongly. It will be liberating for everyone involved.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
