4 Brilliant Ways To Stand Your Ground With Pushy, Manipulative People
Whether it's your boss, parent or partner, it's time to stop letting people push you into corners.
stockfour | Canva When it comes to dealing with pushy people, the secret is to know your worth so you won't be manipulated or pestered into giving in to something you don't want. If you think of yourself as a nice person, you may struggle to know how to respond.
Pushy people are often relentless and have no regard for your feelings and have no problem using controlling behavior. They may try to "logically" defend their position, backing people into a corner through their assertiveness or persistence. They may claim to be assertive, but what they're actually doing is aggressive, and there is a difference!
Pushy people are not bad people, usually. They simply learned or believed that the only way to get what they want is to corner someone and pressure them to do what they want. That's why you need to know how to deal with them.
Four ways to stand your ground with pushy, manipulative people
1. Be clear about what will not work for you
Be specific. What works for you and what does not? Or, what are you willing to accomodate this time, but not in the future.
For example, let’s say your boss at work has a habit of asking you for things at the last minute or at the end of your workday. Start by saying that last-minute requests are not working well for you. Explain that other work assignments will be delayed in the future if a last-minute request comes in, simply by virtue of how much time you are able to devote to each.
Be clear about what you mean by "last-minute". In this case, perhaps you explain that the workday ends at 6pm so new assignments should be in by 2pm that day in order to be completed on time without compromising other projects.
2. Make a suggestion that works betters better for everyone
In the example with the boss, find a way to make the system beneficial to you both.
For example, offer to work together with your boss to find a way to organize their priorities that will result in less "last minute" requests. This way you will appear cooperative, but are also trying to shape the manner in which you are given assignments.
This type of communication technique will help you learn how to be more assertive while still maintaining respect for your boss.
3. Give pushy people limited options
Do not let them select options that don’t work for you. Instead, offer them options A or B.
In the example above, you could offer something like, "I can drop all other projects and see how far I get by 6 p.m., the end of the work day, or we can pause this and revisit this new project first thing in the morning."
Don't let that person talk you into staying late unless it's an emergency. If it is, then offer two options like, "If I stay late to complete this, then I will need to come in a little later tomorrow or leave early so I have time to take care of my responsibilities at home. Will one of those two options work better for you?"
4. Know that being assertive when protecting yourself isn't unkind
If the pushy person is relentless, you will need to be more assertive, which is uncomfortable — but is not wrong or unkind. Remember, this is a very uncomfortable feeling because you are not a pushy person. With normal people, you don’t need to be assertive in a stronger way than usual.
Being assertive means "being self-assured and confident without being aggressive." It might be uncomfortable for you to assert yourself against a pushy person, but it isn't a bad thing.
Remind yourself that you are not doing anything wrong. It is just that it is uncomfortable. It’s necessary because it’s the only way out of the corner.
What to do if the pushy person won't change
What if nothing changes? What do you do?
In general: Be a wall to resist their pushing. Be a broken record and continue to state your desired options. Present this as a matter of fact, not in anger. If necessary, just politely end the conversation.
In a romantic relationship: This is challenging because you have feelings for your partner and you may be invested in this relationship. But it doesn't change what is healthy and what is unhealthy. You need to speak up to your partner without blaming.
Focus on how you feel when you feel pushed into a corner and that you don't believe he is aware of this happening. Tell him what will work better for you.
If this pushy behavior continues you may need to reconsider your options, such as seeking professional counseling together. Remember, these skills are not taught in school.
With a boss: You may want to consider seeking consultation with HR or the next level up in management. But only take this step after you have documented all your attempts to discuss this first with your boss.
With a family member: Try writing them a letter. Begin with something positive about the relationship and what it means to you as best as you can do without being insincere. Then, tell them that you would like to improve the relationship and what would make it better for you. Try to include something they also have voiced wanting from you as well.
Sometimes a pushy person can only really hear someone when they are not physically present and are not prepared to engage in a fight. You may want to suggest family counseling with a professional. This means that you value the relationship and don’t want to let go of it.
This may seem uncomfortable to do. However, your only other option is to be pushed into a corner, doing what you don’t want to do.
Nice peole can be assertive, too
Nice people can be assertive without being "pushy" because aggressiveness and pushiness are not the same things.
How many times does it take someone to ask you to try to be more on time with them before you begin to make the effort? This example is challenging for some more than others, but wouldn't you still hear the person and try to at least be less late? A pushy person would not make that effort.
