People With Deep Life Regrets Usually Made These 11 Damaging Decisions
PeopleImages | Shutterstock As we grow older, we tend to reflect on the things we didn't do but wish we had. Perhaps we could have spent more time with family, less time worrying what others thought, or focused more on our physical and mental health. No matter what it is, people with deep life regrets usually made these damaging decisions that are now coming back to bite them.
The biggest regrets people have are related to the parts of life where they see the most opportunity. People regret moments where they didn't reach for change or try to grow as individuals. While having regrets is an unavoidable part of life, certain kinds of regrets can be avoided if people are paying attention to what they really want. Life is all about choices, but sometimes, we make the wrong one.
People with deep life regrets usually made these 11 damaging decisions
1. Falling out of touch with friends
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It isn't always easy to stay connected to the people we love, especially if we live far away. Social media often provides the illusion of closeness to people we care about, yet actually collapsing the distance between you and someone you love requires an act of bravery by being the one to reach out first.
As psychologist Guy Winch explained, we tend to get trapped in our own heads when it comes to staying in touch with people. "When you're lonely, you feel so alone, so raw, so rejected, so unseen, that the idea of reaching out and risking more rejection or a rebuff seems more than you can stand, so you don't," he said. He emphasized the importance of displaying vulnerability in any relationship, noting, "You need to be emotionally open, disclose, talk about your feelings... your hopes... your dreams, talk about what's difficult."
While closing the gap with a friend you've fallen out of touch with might initially seem scary, not making the effort can lead to a deep sense of regret and loss. You don't want to look back years from now thinking about the "what ifs" if you had only reached out.
2. Overworking themselves
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We spend most of our adult lives working, complete with a strong sense of urgency to be as productive as possible. A study from ADP Research Institute found that employees across the globe work an average of nine unpaid hours of overtime every week, making the time they spend on the job closer to 50 hours a week.
Historically speaking, having a strong work ethic is celebrated, especially in U.S. corporate culture. Yet working too much often means neglecting important aspects of your personal life, which can leave you feeling deeply unfulfilled. Unfortunately, people with deep life regrets usually made these damaging decisions instead of focusing on the more important things in life.
While some people may argue that work takes precedence over everything else, most people regret things like missing their kid's birthday, having to blow off important family events, or even not taking time for their mental health, all because they decided to prioritize work.
Our jobs can give our lives meaning, but work certainly is not the sole source of happiness. In the end, it's more than okay if you consider your work as a means to an end, as opposed to the focal point of your existence.
3. Hiding their true feelings
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According to a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, over 200 Americans were asked about life events they significantly regret. The findings revealed that 19.3% of participants reported having romantic regrets.
Opening up emotionally and telling someone you have feelings for them is a hugely vulnerable act. Oftentimes, a person's fear of rejection stops them from expressing how they really feel. However, that lack of direct action can create deep regret later down the line.
Journalist Daniel Pink revealed that people's inaction regrets outnumber their action regrets by a 2-to-1 ratio. Pink noted that of all the types of regret, connection regrets are the largest category. He explained that every regret is connected to a value we hold. With connection regrets, the human need that regret reveals is our need for love.
It might be scary to share your feelings with someone, but taking the plunge will open your heart, even if those feelings aren't reciprocated. You don't want to constantly be plagued with regret later in life, wondering how different things could have been if you had said something in the moment.
4. Ignoring their dreams
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According to a study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, experiencing regret is a "ubiquitous" part of being an adult. The study defined regret as "an emotion that is underpinned by representations of what might have been."
People often regret not working toward the goals they pictured themselves reaching. Perhaps they had wanted to be a doctor as a child, worked hard to get there, but didn't end up taking chances that could have propelled them forward. Or, maybe they had unrealistic goals to become a famous actor. Either way, even if our goals aren't entirely realistic, by not trying to reach them, we miss out on knowing what our future could be.
Someone who dreams of traveling the world or being a professional musician is more likely to regret their decision if they ignore their dreams, rather than putting in the effort to make their dreams a reality.
5. Not living an authentic life
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Being true to ourselves is one of life's most poignant lessons. We might try to fit ourselves into someone else's definition of who we're supposed to be, but in doing so, we regret not being our fullest selves. And later in life, we end up not really knowing who we are deep down.
Showing up authentically requires people to listen to their innermost emotions and live according to their values. Research published in the journal Emotion reported that "People's most enduring regrets stem more often from discrepancies between their actual and ideal selves than their actual and ought selves... People [are] more likely to regret not being all they could have been more than all they should have been."
6. Holding grudges
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People with deep life regrets usually made the damaging decision to hold grudges against others, whether it was their work colleague, classmate, or even a very close friend or family member. They failed to realize until it was much too late that a person who lives in the past and isn't able or willing to let go of times when they were wronged is a person who's likely holding onto serious regrets.
Apologizing for a mistake isn't easy. While no one is required to accept anyone's apology, releasing a tightly-held grudge can create a sense of freedom and acceptance. We can't change the past, but we can change our emotional reactions, which influence how our futures unfold.
7. Not taking chances
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According to psychologist and author Dr. Robert Leahy, people can learn from regret. "In the long-term, as people look back on their lives, they tend to regret what they did not do," he explained. Not taking chances, whether those chances were professional, personal or academic, creates a "lingering unpleasant feeling," noting that "people can ruminate about that for months, years, decades."
He shared that regret can be productive, in that it captures the ability to learn from past mistakes. In contrast, "Unproductive regret or maladaptive regret is characterized not by self-correction, but by self-criticism." Therefore, beating yourself up for not making a particular decision when you were younger is only going to cause your sense of regret to harden, which will inevitably lower your sense of self-worth.
8. Being unkind
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Just by virtue of having relationships with others, we're bound to hurt people's feelings. Whether that pain was intentional or not, holding ourselves accountable is the way to initiate repair.
Not only does being kind positively affect others, but ourselves as well. Leading with compassion can boost our mood, self-esteem, and even lower stress. On the other hand, when we avoid taking responsibility for hurting others, we'll regret being unkind as time goes on. Owning up to our own behavior means we have to swallow our pride, but in doing so, we're able to let go of regret.
9. Not taking care of their health
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When we're young, it's easy to ignore the messages our bodies send us. Maybe we forget to take care of our physical health or ignore our emotional and mental well-being. But as we get older, it becomes more and more essential to prioritize our health.
Ignoring our physical and mental health needs can create a snowball effect, making small issues grow into more dire problems. The more we take care of ourselves when we're younger, the fewer regrets we'll have as we age.
10. Living for other people
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Whether it's caring what others think, taking a job to appease our parents, or staying in a relationship to avoid causing our partner pain, people with deep life regrets usually made these damaging decisions. Instead of living for themselves and putting their happiness first, they squandered all that to make others content.
By not prioritizing your own needs and putting yourself last, you end up building a life you regret, rather than one where you celebrate who you are. While there's huge value in harnessing care and compassion for others, doing so at the risk of losing yourself is a negative trait, one that leaves people with deep regrets later in life.
11. Not spending enough time with family
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Whether it's our parents, grandparents, or extended family members, we all only have so much time on this earth. Especially for adults with older parents, even though our lives are busy and a bit chaotic, we'll regret not stopping every once in a while to truly spend quality time with the people we love most.
As a study published in Frontiers in Psychology explained, spending more time with parents when we're children promotes better well-being, but the same can be said for quality time as adults. It can foster stronger bonds, create more core memories, and prevent us from having regrets later in life.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
