12 Exhausting Things That Happen When You Don't Set Firm Boundaries
When you neglect your well-being, it means something is deeply wrong.
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock Everyone has experienced the effects of spreading yourself too thin and not setting boundaries. You don't want to disappoint anyone with the answer "no," so what's one more obligation? But this vicious cycle continues until you can't handle it anymore and you're emotionally exhausted and mentally stressed.
Whether it's neglecting your needs or taking everything personally, there are certain exhausting things that happen when you don't set firm boundaries. And while we might think it's selfish to put ourselves first, you can't fully be there for others unless you're taken care of. So, when the weight becomes too heavy to ignore, you must be ready to make a change.
Here are 12 exhausting things that happen when you don't set firm boundaries
1. You're tired all the time
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It makes sense that if you're giving too much of yourself to others, you'll be physically tired from all the work. Not to mention, you're probably very stressed, which is affecting your quality of sleep. And, according to the Sleep Foundation, stress and anxiety can create insomnia or other sleep problems.
If it feels like it takes too much energy to do everyday things, this could be a clear sign that something isn't working. You should have a healthy drive to accomplish your goals, so always be wary when your drive seems to be lacking.
2. You experience frequent breakdowns
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If you're experiencing breakdowns on a constant basis, this is one of the exhausting things that happen when you don't set firm boundaries. In this instance, it really does help to have a family member or close friend to talk to, as you might not quite understand why it feels like the world is caving in.
Although it may take a while to make the connection, once you do, you will have more mental stability. Those breakdowns full of strong emotion will eventually become too much, and you'll realize that things need to change and boundaries are essential to your happiness.
3. You eat too much
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Not everyone is an emotional eater, but for those who are, overeating is a strong sign that boundaries need to be set. By using your rare alone time to eat in excess, it's clear that you're unhappy. And, if the behavior continues, it becomes a cycle.
As mental health writer and psychology expert Melinda Smith explained, "Occasionally using food as a pick-me-up, a reward, or to celebrate isn't necessarily a bad thing. But when eating is your primary emotional coping mechanism — when your first impulse is to open the refrigerator whenever you're stressed, upset, angry, lonely, exhausted, or bored — you get stuck in an unhealthy cycle where the real feeling or problem is never addressed."
4. No one can say the right thing
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Typically, when the people around us sense that we're hanging on by a thread, they want to help with words of advice. However, you probably don't want to hear it in the state you're in. When you're not setting boundaries and become exhausted, your loved ones can never seem to say the right thing to you, and it usually sets you off.
So, be sure to consider how you're receiving help. Are you annoyed by what people have to say? Do you still feel stuck without any way of getting out? When we don't realize we need to set boundaries, it's easy to disregard what anyone says.
5. You lose joy in the simple things
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If you're noticing that what used to make you happy doesn't any longer, a shift needs to be made, because losing interest in what once brought you joy is one of the very exhausting things that happen when you don't set firm boundaries. If you find yourself overwhelmed by things that brought you peace of mind and eased anxiety, it's probably time to check in on yourself and start setting boundaries.
Once the things that bring you joy only enhance negative emotions, there's no escape from reality. This is not a place you want to be, and it's important to recognize that something is off.
6. You have no work-life balance
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A clear sign you need to set boundaries is the inability to distinguish between your work life and your home life. When work commitments begin to encroach on your personal time or alone time, you're unable to do the things you love. You may not have enough time anymore to enjoy your favorite hobbies or spend time with loved ones.
A 2022 study even found that "people with... lower balance between work and life are more likely to report worse mental and physical health, to suffer from health ailments, and to have worse health parameters."
7. You don't put yourself first
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When you don't set firm boundaries, you don't put yourself first. This is especially true if you've begun to neglect caring for yourself, whether it's relaxing and decompressing, or treating yourself to some TLC. You're putting the needs of others before your own, and it's a major red flag that something just isn't right.
Though tending to the needs of others before your own may make you more likable to certain people, when you ignore your emotional and physical needs, it quickly leads to burnout. And the best way to put yourself first is to establish boundaries where self-care is a priority.
8. You resent people
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When you feel like the people around you are taking advantage of you, whether acquaintances or people you're close to, it's extremely frustrating and can cause resentment to build up. Resentment is one of the exhausting things that happen when you don't set firm boundaries, as you not only feel walked all over, but unappreciated and undervalued.
This is a clear sign you don't have proper boundaries set up, as they continue to be violated, but it also is an indicator that you're giving too much of yourself. According to research from the Canadian Journal of Nursing Research, it's common for people to experience resentment as a result of self-sacrificing.
9. You find it difficult to make a decision
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Everyone struggles with indecision from time to time, but your overwhelm is preventing you from making choices that align with your values and intended path in life. When you find it hard to make a decision due to the demands of other people, it means you're trying too hard to please everyone.
Instead, set clear limits on what you can and cannot do. You'll soon regain control over your choices and alleviate decision-making stress.
10. You're passive-aggressive
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If you're finding yourself resorting to passive-aggressive behavior as a way to express your frustrations in an indirect way, it means you haven't set firm boundaries and people are continuously crossing them. This can negatively affect your relationships, too.
"Chronic self-sacrificers often become passive-aggressive manipulators. They might say they 'don't mind' what the other person decides. Such people claim to be happy to go along with anything. But at the same time, they often put others in the position of having to guess at their needs rather than being open and honest about them," mentor Jan Fortune revealed.
Your passive-aggressive tactics may mean you respond by saying things like, "You're so lucky you get to do something you love" or "I wish I could spend time relaxing, but unfortunately, I have to pay rent." By setting boundaries, you can instead address issues directly and assertively.
11. You can't say no
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Difficulty saying no is a common indication that you need to set boundaries. When you always say yes to the requests of others, you lack spending time with and for yourself. You can easily become overwhelmed and stressed. But rather than feeling guilty for saying no, setting limits on what you can commit to is vital for preserving your mental and emotional health.
After all, as licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Leda Kaveh explained, "Saying 'no' is refusing to sacrifice something you love for someone else. It means that you're in control of your own time and emotions. That makes you more generous than someone who always does what others want them to do. Giving your body the break it needs is not selfish, it's self-care."
12. You take everything personally
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Every criticism, rejection, or negative comment is something you internalize and take personally. And it's yet another sign that you have weak boundaries with the people in your life.
But once you begin to protect your personal space, you develop emotional resilience, allowing you to differentiate between constructive feedback and personal attacks. And it all begins with setting essential boundaries.
Isabella Pacinelli is a freelance writer and marketing manager who covers astrology, spirituality, love, and relationships.
