11 Disturbingly Effective Ways Narcissists Use Shame To Control You
Narcissists are unable to deal with their shame, so they project it onto you.
Anton Mukhin | Shutterstock A weakness of a narcissist is their extreme hatred of being embarrassed, and there's nothing worse for them than having someone point out even the slightest fault. Ironically, they have no problem openly doing this to others. In fact, there are many disturbingly effective ways narcissists use shame to control you, projecting it onto others in an attempt to protect their fragile ego.
Narcissists often have a complex relationship with shame, as they strive to maintain a grandiose and perfect image of themselves. They are highly sensitive to criticism or any perceived threat to their self-esteem, which triggers deep feelings of shame. Paradoxically, this avoidance of shame can further isolate narcissists and perpetuate a cycle of unhealthy behaviors and relationships.
Here are 11 disturbingly effective ways narcissists use shame to control you
1. They claim they're trying to 'keep you humble,' but they're really just humiliating you
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A narcissist will retell another person's story adding their own flare of additional shame. This can be done in front of others or privately, though they tend to thrive when they're embarrassing other people.
It usually happens after the other person has achieved some level of accomplishment. The narcissist will state that they are only trying to keep the other person humble but, in reality, they are trying to humiliate them.
2. They gather information about you, then use it against you
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One of the most disturbingly effective ways narcissists use shame to control you is by holding information against you. They love to gather information about a person and store it away for later manipulation and control. Once gathered, the narcissist uses the story to keep the other person in check and constantly worried about when the information will come out.
They use their charm to entice a person to share confidential details, especially ones that caused the other person embarrassment. As professor and eminent scholar of counseling Nina W. Brown explained, "Charming and self-absorbed people are very captivating. You can unwittingly get caught up in their worlds and lose sight of your own, and in some cases, yourself."
3. They exaggerate your faults
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When they exaggerate your faults and never take accountability for their own, it's one of the disturbingly effective ways narcissists use shame to control you. Because to the narcissist, no one is perfect... except for them.
A narcissist is very good at identifying the faults of others and even better at passive-aggressively commenting on them. This is their way of putting the other person "in their place." And when confronted, they often say, "I was only joking," or that person "can't take a joke."
4. They play the victim
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Narcissists are talented at exasperating others and then using their reactions as justification for becoming the real victim. Regardless of how hard the narcissist incited the other person, the angry reaction to the provocation is viewed as shameful. The other person who usually feels bad for their reaction allows the narcissist to play the victim card, surrendering control.
According to one study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers determined that "narcissistic people perceive themselves to be the victims of other people's inter-personal transgressions more frequently than do less narcissistic people," as a result of "biased recall or self-presentation."
5. They shift blame
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Whenever something goes wrong, a narcissist shifts all of the blame to the other person. The other person, who may have done one thing wrong, allows the narcissist to dump more than their fair share of the responsibility, letting the narcissist win in the end.
But why do narcissists blame-shift? According to psychology expert Peg Streep, "The obvious answer is that it permits them to dodge responsibility for their words and actions; what's more convenient than having a ready fall guy or a scapegoat? ...Blame-shifting is also motivated by the need to [rob] the target of a sense of agency."
6. They belittle you
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In any narcissistic relationship, the narcissist wants to be seen as the adult and the other person as the child. This belittlement is done in several condescending ways such as literally talking down to them, calling the other person immature, and saying the other person needs to grow up. The implication is that the narcissist is more mature and has developed beyond the level of the other person.
In fact, one study published in BMC Psychiatry revealed that this method of casting shame allows narcissists to feel superior while minimizing any impact the other person might have. It also serves as a way of discounting any future comments the other person uses to embarrass the narcissist. Basically, narcissists are beating the other person to the first punch.
7. They use religion to guilt you
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It doesn't matter what the religion of the narcissist or the other person is — in every religion, there are a set of standards and expectations. The narcissist will use the other person's religious beliefs to guilt them into acting a certain way. They might even go as far to say, "God told me you need to..."
According to one study published in Europe's Journal of Psychology, researchers concluded that "individuals high in vulnerable narcissism may be more prone to conceal behavior which transgress social norms and moral." Spiritual narcissists don't actually care about sharing or spreading faith; instead, they use religion to control.
8. They claim you're 'too defensive'
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A narcissist will use personal attacks to put the other person on the defense. The other person will get so caught up in defending their name or character that they will miss the next attack, and don't want to play into the narcissist's tendency to be sensitive to criticism.
"Look how defensive you are, you must have done something wrong," the narcissist will say. This is a checkmate position because the other person has nowhere to go. Unfortunately, it's yet another of the disturbingly effective ways narcissists use shame to control you.
9. They talk above you
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Instead of talking down to someone, the narcissist will talk over the other person's knowledge level. Even if the other person is more intelligent, the narcissist will talk in circles with an air of authority to force the other person into an inferior position. They will use sophisticated vocabulary, physical posturing (such as looking down at the other person), and embellishment of details to disguise the real point of shaming the other person.
As clinical psychologist Dr. David Hawkins revealed, "Narcissists often project an air of superiority, expecting those around them to acknowledge their status... Beneath these outward displays lies a deep-seated insecurity that compels them to constantly validate their worth. Their arrogance and need to dominate conversations can make them challenging to deal with, especially in close relationships."
10. They constantly try to outperform you
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It doesn't matter what the other person has accomplished — the narcissist did it first, better, and more efficiently. By outperforming the other person, the narcissist minimizes the other person's accomplishments in comparison to their own. This produces an "I can never be good enough" feeling in the other person.
Not only is this due to their massive ago, but, according to licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers, "It is critical to understand that the narcissist isn't competitive with you because they hate you or want to hurt you emotionally. They do what they do because they are feeling emotionally deprived themselves."
11. They make impeccable first impressions
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A narcissist is very aware of how they look and appear to others. They are often dressed in designer clothing with immaculate grooming, with not a hair out of place. This is not just for the narcissist; rather, their perfectionistic appearance is used to demean others.
They will say things like, "They don't take care of themselves," or, "It doesn't take a lot of effort to look better." Because despite giving a good first impression of themselves, narcissists will always call attention to the way someone else looks.
Christine Hammond, LMHC, NCC is a mental health counselor who specializes in psychotherapy with families dealing with trauma and personality disorders. She's the award-winning author of "The Exhausted Woman's Handbook" and host of the podcast Understanding Today's Narcissist.
