11 Phrases Narcissists Use To Make You Think You're The Problem
When a narcissist says these things, they fully expect you to take accountability for their problems.
kaanturker / Shutterstock For the last several years, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been a hot topic. It seems that everywhere you look, there is someone who has, at the very least, narcissistic traits. People who exhibit those characteristics often use manipulation, deflection of accountability, and control to keep their targets in check. They employ specific tactics to shift blame and create a narrative that works for them.
One of the ways they do this is by using particular phrases that make their victims, usually a romantic partner, believe they are the problem. The strategy is not always immediately apparent. Narcissists subtly work these phrases into conversations without you even noticing. Over time, they cause serious damage to your self-esteem. Identifying these statements as red flags can save you a lot of heartbreak and help you to recognize the patterns of narcissistic behavior and steer clear of being damaged.
Here are 11 phrases narcissists use to make you think you are the problem
1. 'You're too sensitive'
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If you've ever poured out your heart in an effort to share with a narcissist how their actions made you feel and were met with, "You're too sensitive," you know how dismissive it can feel. The phrase is intended to minimize your feelings and invalidate your emotional response. The goal is to make you feel as if you are being irrational and prevent you from expressing yourself in the future.
Instead of empathizing, the narcissist in your life wants to make you feel as if your reactions are the problem, not their problematic behavior. Over time, you start to adjust your standards, allowing them to get away with insulting you, being disrespectful, or worse. It's a slippery slope and very easy to slide down the rabbit hole of emotional abuse.
2. 'You're overreacting'
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This accusation will make you look yourself in the mirror and wonder if you are being unreasonable. Perhaps it's not as big a deal as you think it is. It usually is, but because you don't recognize this as a tactic to make you ignore harm done to you, you start to mute yourself out of fear of overreacting again.
Narcissists love to downplay your real concerns so you allow them to get away with unimaginable things. They will have you second-guessing reality in favor of their delusions. Next time they do something that might have previously been a dealbreaker for you, you will remain quiet to avoid being perceived as unstable.
3. 'You're being dramatic'
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Who wants to be known as a drama queen? No one. The narcissist wants you to stay silent in the face of disregard and disrespect. A human reaction will have you labeled as overly dramatic and influence you subconsciously to calm down and let them walk all over you. The goal is to make you question your perception of things.
Shaming your emotional expression is a key part of the narcissistic handbook. They ridicule you for having any feelings outside of worship for them. As the relationship progresses, you start to feel guilty for standing up for yourself and eventually believe that you are the problem and the reason for the toxicity.
4. 'I never said that'
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One of the most infuriating things a narcissist does is tell you something you never would have otherwise known in great detail, then deny it ever happened if you bring it up at a later time. This gaslighting technique might have you wondering if your memory is faulty. Once again, you start to question your reality, even though you know deep down inside that you heard what you heard.
A narcissist will seemingly pour out their heart during the love-bombing phase. They will tell you all the terrible things that their last partner, or supply, did in hopes that you will do your best to be a better match. Later on, they will use that very same person to triangulate you and make you jealous. They will flat-out deny the negative things they previously said, leaving you confused and reeling.
5. 'You always twist everything'
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This phrase is a masterclass for narcissists in pointing the finger back at you and making you think you are the problem. It projects their behavior onto you so they avoid responsibility. Instead of taking accountability and apologizing, they choose to avoid blame and make you feel as if you are making things up in your head.
This manipulation of facts and deflection of responsibility brings to mind the phrase, "Don't believe your lying eyes." It makes you doubt what you saw or heard or how you interpreted it. A narcissist will be caught red-handed in a compromising position and tell you that you have twisted the situation. It's a vicious cycle.
6. 'If you weren't so difficult, I wouldn't act this way'
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Imagine doing someone dirty, having them try to hold you accountable, and blaming them for your continued faulty behavior because they are being difficult by confronting you. Unless you are a narcissist, that sounds ridiculous. But it is the norm when dealing with one. They tend to blame their bad behavior on you.
This puts you in a position of believing your mistreatment is your own fault. You start to believe that if you were just more easygoing and laid back, they would stop abusing you. They won't. When you take a step back and try harder to cater to their unfulfillable needs, you will find that the abuse escalates because they no longer have to worry about you calling them to the carpet.
7. 'You're the only person who has a problem with me'
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I cannot count the number of times I heard this from my ex, who was never diagnosed as narcissistic to my knowledge, but all the signs pointed to him being one. It's easy to come to the conclusion that you are being irrational. This statement isolates you so you feel as if you are on an island and no one else sees things the way you do.
Don't be fooled by this obvious attempt to make you feel alone and give you the impression that they are innocent and widely respected. Of course, no one else is confronting them like you are. They wear a mask of charisma and charm for the masses and save their most toxic traits for behind closed doors. No one else is being treated like you, so why would they have a problem with the narcissist?
8. 'Everyone else thinks you're the problem'
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If there is one thing I learned from living with a person who had very narcissistic tendencies, it's that their people will never be your people. No matter how much your partner's mother, father, siblings, and friends seem to love you, they will always side with the narcissist even when they are dead wrong. These people are flying monkeys who have been preconditioned to excuse bad behavior.
From the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist has started a smear campaign against you, pouring on the love, while talking negatively about you behind your back. They do this because they know that a discard is inevitable, and they want to make sure they come out of the relationship smelling like a rose. A true narcissist might even exaggerate external opinions to make you feel unsupported and disliked.
9. 'I'm only trying to help you'
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Narcissists like to give off an air of indifference. They deeply want to control your every action, but don't want you to know that's what they are doing. So, instead, they mask their need to dominate your life as care or concern. They can criticize your every move in the most hurtful way, then frame it as constructive.
This is an easy way to undermine your confidence. The more a narcissist does it, the less sure of yourself you become. You start to question your decisions and rely on their advice, no matter how harmful it is. Victims of narcissists find themselves walking on eggshells to avoid judgment and to keep the narcissist happy, not knowing they are a bottomless pit that can never be satisfied.
10. 'You bring out the worst in me'
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This phrase is especially deceitful. The narcissist wants you to believe that they were perfectly normal and healthy before you came into their lives. But something about you pushed them over the edge and made them the ball of toxicity that you see today. I can assure you that they have been this way well before you were a thought in their mind.
This is an attempt to make you responsible for their dysfunction. Instead of being self-aware and taking accountability for their actions, they claim you are the trigger for their bad behavior. If they can successfully get you to believe this fallacy, you become the problem in your own mind.
11. 'You're lucky I put up with you'
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Narcissists are experts at making you believe that they are the prize and you should feel blessed to be graced with their presence. They put themselves on an undeserved pedestal while devaluing you, and if you internalize that, you will find yourself always trying to prove to them that you are worthy of their attention and affection.
They want you to think that you are unworthy or that you have to work for their love because you are not valuable enough for them to give it freely. This dynamic creates a fear of abandonment and a desire to stay compliant. If you start to notice any of these phrases in a relationship, view them are huge red flags and run as far away as you can.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
