11 Phrases Emotionally Immature People Say When They’re Losing An Argument
Emotionally immature people tend to shut down or shift blame when they're losing an argument.
RomarioIen / Shutterstock Arguing is hard enough in and of itself, but doing it with an emotionally immature person makes it all the more difficult. People who are emotionally immature struggle to communicate effectively. As a result, they fall back on certain phrases when they're losing an argument that don't help move anyone closer to a resolution.
As health writer Angelica Bottaro explained, “Emotional immaturity is the tendency to express emotions without restraint or that are excessive for the situation. Some key characteristics of a person behaving with emotional immaturity include selfishness, difficulty in relationships and inadequate communication skills.” When someone is emotionally immature and an argument isn’t going their way, they often try to shift the blame onto others. They don’t want to take responsibility, and do all they can to avoid it, which can be understandably frustrating when you’re on the other side of the argument.
Here are 11 phrases emotionally immature people say when they’re losing an argument
1. ‘Just forget about it’
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One phrase emotionally immature people say when they’re losing an argument is “just forget about it.” This is a way to hopefully shut down the argument and change the subject. If they’re losing the argument, then they obviously aren’t going to want to continue it. They’ll do whatever they can to take the focus off the uphill battle they’re fighting and losing.
Unfortunately, this can negatively affect the other person in the argument. PsychCentral writer Hope Gillette noted, “If you shut down during intense communication, the other person may feel rejected or devalued. It can appear like you don’t care about them or what they have to say.” Of course, this may be the emotionally immature person’s intent, but that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach.
Ending an argument without any real resolution usually doesn’t do anyone any favors. Instead, it leaves an open wound that will continue to fester. Emotionally immature people shut down because they can’t stand the thought of losing, instead of actually working to make progress that benefits everyone involved.
2. ‘Whatever’
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Another way an emotionally immature person may try to shut down an argument is by saying something like “whatever.” This basically does absolutely nothing and doesn’t help anyone, but it may be all they can manage to come up with in the heat of the moment. This allows them to avoid acknowledging the fact that they were, in fact, losing the argument and instead try to move on.
Licensed psychologist Guy Winch, PhD, pointed out that some people may find they’re able to communicate effectively in other scenarios, like at work, because the emotional stakes are lower. It’s not as personal. But if someone is arguing with their partner, for example, it’s easier to become overwhelmed and simply shut down because stronger emotions are involved.
Someone who is emotionally immature is unlikely to want to face those emotions. Instead, they’ll do anything they can to avoid feeling the hard things. A favorite way to do that is to end the conversation so the argument can’t continue, and the fact that they’re losing can’t become even more obvious.
3. ‘That never happened’
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Another tactic an emotionally immature person may take when losing an argument is gaslighting the other person. They may say something like “that never happened” to try to make the person they’re arguing with question reality and wonder if they really do have everything straight in their head. This is a low blow, and something that only the most emotionally immature would be willing even to consider.
Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of “The Gaslight Effect,” explained that one of the main reasons people gaslight others is that it makes them feel like they are right, which validates their behavior in their mind. It’s also about maintaining control and feeling superior, especially when in the middle of an argument.
Gaslighting is dangerous and abusive. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially when an emotionally immature person employs it so that they can end an argument that they’re clearly not winning. Making someone question their version of reality when everyone knows it’s what really happened is hurtful and psychologically harmful.
4. ‘It’s your fault’
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When an emotionally immature person is losing an argument, there’s a good chance that they’ll try to shift blame onto the other person and away from themselves. They may say something like “it’s your fault” to make the other person think that the whole argument occurred because of them, and they really are to blame for any discord.
Author of “Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering” and Psychology Today contributor Peg Streep stated that shifting blame like this is a form of abuse. One way of weaponizing this form of abuse is to suggest the other person’s flaws are at fault. “Be prepared for a litany of flaws, all of which are intended to make you feel lousy about yourself and guilty for having ‘provoked’ him or her,” she said.
By claiming that whatever is at the root of the argument is the other person’s fault, an emotionally immature person also takes the focus away from the fact that they’re losing the argument and instead places it on the other person’s supposed flaws. It’s the perfect way to take the spotlight off of themselves and their own failed argument attempts.
5. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about’
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Another thing emotionally immature people will say when they’re losing an argument is that the other person simply doesn’t know what they’re talking about. This may seem strange since they’re the ones that are actually losing, so it would stand to reason that if someone doesn’t know what they’re talking about, it’s them. Of course, this kind of reasoning won’t work well with someone who’s emotionally immature.
Psychotherapist Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, PhD, said that the behavior of emotionally immature people can feel “chronically childish.” She noted that emotionally immature people often act much younger than their real age. This may not actually be their fault, as they could be facing “limitations or deficits in their maturity.” Still, it’s not okay to purposely make someone feel bad.
By telling the other person in the argument that they don’t know what they’re talking about, the emotionally immature person is insulting their intelligence and trying to get them to think that they aren’t well-equipped to handle the argument. The complete opposite is likely true, and they are handling themselves and the situation very well. But, by planting that seed of doubt, an emotionally immature person can get under their skin and in their head.
6. ‘I want to talk about something else’
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If an emotionally immature person is losing an argument, they won’t want to continue it. To put a stop to it, they may try to abruptly change the subject, even if it doesn’t make any sense. They won’t want to deal with the consequences of the argument and actually finish it, so they’ll try to distract from the issue at hand and put the spotlight on something else.
Bill Murphy Jr., the founder of Understandably, argued that subject changes do have their place in arguments. For example, if someone wants to get the focus off of a hot-button issue and onto something else, they may try changing the subject. Or they may do so to start another, less heated argument that will distract from the original one.
Sometimes, arguments can go too far, and a change of subject is necessary. However, lamely changing the subject because there’s no other option than to admit defeat is an easy way out that emotionally immature people know well. They use it to save their own skin, not to play peacemaker.
7. ‘You never see things from my side’
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“You never see things from my side” is something that an emotionally immature person would be likely to say when they’re losing an argument. To them, their side of the argument may feel misunderstood and overlooked. In their mind, they are right, and the other person just can’t see that. If they tried to see things from their perspective, they might understand.
David W. Johnson, EdD, the co-director of the University of Minnesota’s Cooperative Learning Center, shared that seeing other people’s perspectives is essential to resolving conflict.
“Successful problem-solving and conflict resolution largely depends on a person’s ability to take the opponent’s cognitive and affective perspectives and understand how the conflict appears to the other person and how that person is reacting emotionally and attitudinally,” he said. “If a person cannot take the perspective of opponents, then his or her understanding of the issue is limited and incomplete.”
Clearly, there are good reasons to try to see someone else’s side of the story, especially when arguing with them. However, claiming that someone never takes the time to do so is probably just a tool an emotionally immature person will use to try to swing things in their favor. It’s not an effort to actually get someone to see their point of view; it’s just an attempt to guilt them.
8. ‘This is ridiculous’
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If an emotionally immature person is losing an argument, they will probably try to shut it down. Something that just moments before seemed to be of great importance to them will very suddenly be labeled ridiculous in an effort to talk about something else. Obviously, they don’t think it’s really ridiculous and the subject matters to them a great deal, but they’ll say otherwise to try to move on and cover up their blunder.
BBC correspondent Amanda Ruggeri wrote about logical fallacies, or “a flaw in reasoning that, despite having no bearing at all on a claim’s actual merit, can — very confusingly — make that claim sound more convincing.”
One of these fallacies is ad hominem, which is basically a personal attack on the other person. It may make some sort of sense, like if it is related to someone’s beliefs, or it might make no sense at all, like if it is based on someone’s appearance. By calling an argument ridiculous, an emotionally immature person is employing ad hominem because they’re basically saying that whatever the other person believes and is based on is ridiculous. It’s a personal attack that can hurt very keenly. They are essentially telling that other person that their opinions and time do not matter and amount to nothing.
9. ‘Of course I’m right’
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If an emotionally immature person is losing an argument, they may sputter out that they are obviously right, despite there being no evidence to back that up. They’ll do anything they can to hold onto control and make the other person question the doubts they harbor about them. They could quite literally be arguing that the grass is blue, but they would do so confidently, insisting that they were correct.
Philosophy professor Iskra Fileva, PhD, put it this way: “Some people need to be right always. They cannot stand to lose an argument. They won’t admit defeat in the face of compelling evidence against their position. Even having the last word may not be enough for them if they believe the other side has gotten tired of the discussion and stopped arguing without conceding their point. In that case, they may insist on taking up the issue again later.”
Emotionally immature people are more likely to need to be right. They can’t stand the thought of losing an argument, so even as it’s happening, they’ll continue to claim they’re right until the bitter end. This doesn’t help anyone, and it certainly does nothing to resolve the conflict. Instead, it just causes it to continue.
10. ‘You’re being too sensitive’
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Another way that an emotionally immature person may employ gaslighting when losing an argument is by accusing the other person of being too sensitive or emotional. In reality, it’s likely that the emotionally immature person is letting their own emotions take over and control their behavior. But they’ll try to blame the other person for this instead, saying that they are taking things too personally and they can’t argue with them because of that.
Healthline writer Crystal Raypole explained that a common tactic for gaslighters to use is to “call you ‘too sensitive’ or ‘crazy’ when you express your needs or concerns.” Their goal is to make you think you’re losing it when, in reality, you have a very firm grasp of what’s happening. In times like these, you have to trust yourself and know that you know the truth. Don’t let anyone sway you from that.
Gaslighting is a horrible thing to do to someone, and just because someone feels like they’re losing control of a situation because they’re losing an argument does not make it okay for them to make someone else question their reality. Unfortunately, emotionally immature people will use gaslighting as a weapon because they simply don’t know of any better options. This can be incredibly damaging to the other person in the argument.
11. ‘I don’t care.’
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If someone claims they don’t care, it’s pretty clear that they actually do. Emotionally immature people may say they don’t care about an argument and attempt to move on from it without saying anything further, but it’s bound to bother them. They can’t stand to lose, so they’ll claim to be apathetic, but they really care an awful lot.
Cheri Timko, a couple’s relationship coach, said that some signs that someone truly doesn’t care about you include them not seeking out your opinion and not caring how what they do affects you. In other words, it’s possible that the emotionally immature person doesn’t care about the other person in the argument. They likely aren’t worried about their opinion or their behavior.
However, the actual argument will be very important to them. They want to be right and win. Saying they don’t care is just a way to distract from the fact that they are losing the argument. It’s an attempt to shut down the conversation and move on without resolving it. They’d rather have that than admit defeat.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
