11 Ways Someone Not Meant For You Will Disappoint You Until You Learn To Let Go
Margarita Nikolskaya | Shutterstock We often cling to the wrong people when we're afraid of being alone, but the wrong people usually never change. So we find ourselves wasting time chasing validation and overlooking our needs for the sake of misguided companionship.
Whether it's a friend or a partner, there are ways someone not meant for you will disappoint you again and again until the lesson is learned. Even if it's uncomfortable, letting go is your key to freedom again.
Here are 11 ways someone not meant for you will disappoint you until you learn to let go
1. They keep overstepping boundaries after conversations
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Even after a million conversations and vulnerable admissions of hurt, the wrong person won't care to change their behavior. At the end of the day, our boundaries aren't meant to police other people's behaviors. They can't change how someone shows up for us if they're unwilling to learn, listen, and grow on their own terms.
Let them be guardrails for the kind of behavior you're willing to tolerate. Don't let them overstep constantly at the expense of your well-being, but instead start advocating for yourself. Make room for the right people, who will always be willing to talk about and shift behavior depending on what you need.
2. They break their promises
While it might not be shocking, distrust and deceit in a relationship tend to lower health and satisfaction, whether it's romantic or platonic. You're not only facing uncomfortable dynamics in the relationship, but you're actively putting your own health and nervous system at risk for dysregulation.
Even if it's easier to make excuses for someone to avoid breaking up or being alone, breaking promises over and over again is a clear message that someone doesn't care about you. They might enjoy your presence and appreciate the self-image they get from being in a relationship with you, but at the end of the day, they're clearly uninterested in putting the work in.
3. They disrespect your time and energy
Even after you've had conversations about your expectations or reminded them of the importance of showing up, the wrong people will always come back to disrespect you. They show up late, cancel at the last minute, and regularly drain your energy with a million needs, without ever checking back in or apologizing.
It always feels like you're doing something wrong by advocating for yourself, usually because they're more interested in protecting their own time and energy than you.
4. They bring up self-doubt in you
Especially when our self-worth is unhealthily wrapped up in a relationship with someone else's perception of us, it's not uncommon to feel more self-doubt when you're around the wrong person. Whether it's through gaslighting behaviors that make you feel "crazy" for asking for the bare minimum or simply being emotionally invalidated during arguments, they make you doubt who you really are.
They want you to be smaller and more agreeable for their sake, and that's no way to start a great relationship or any form. You should feel supported and empowered around the people in your circle, not drained and small.
5. They make the relationship feel like a convenience
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From weaponizing their ignorance to making you feel replaceable when you're struggling, people who make a relationship feel like an inconvenience with you aren't invested. They're not going to do the work it takes to build a healthy relationship, whether it's romantic or not.
Even if it's easier to overlook all the inconsistencies in favor of the interactions that feel good in the moment, think about your younger self. Are they being healthily supported in the relationship? Would you feel good about letting them continue wasting their energy and lowering their self-worth in the hands of this person?
6. Their words never match their actions
Manipulative, toxic people say what you want to hear. They want to build your trust through deceit, rather than real work or effort. So, if someone is regularly promising you change and committing to things face-to-face, only to act in an entirely different way, chances are they don't have your best interests in mind.
The right friends, partners, and people will make an effort to change their behavior when they've struck a nerve or hurt you. The wrong ones will always put their own comfort first, shifting when it serves their ego or self-image, and lying about the rest to keep you around.
7. They avoid necessary conversations and issues
When someone is trying to maintain a feeling of control, superiority, or ego in a relationship, conflict might feel like a personal attack. In their minds, it's not a bonding agent or a way to grow themselves, but a spotlight on the parts of themselves that they're already insecure about.
However, the truth is that these arguments and conflicts are necessary and a crucial part of building strength in any kind of relationship. Without them, we're at risk of suppressing our emotions and taking on resentment at the expense of our well-being. So, if you feel like you're fighting to get a word in or feeling worse after bringing up an issue to solve with them, consider it a "red flag" that something isn't right.
8. They disappear when you need support
We should always feel safe and comfortable turning to our loved ones when we have a problem or need support. Those are the safe spaces and communities that bring meaning to our lives. They're the reason we pour so much energy and time into connections. However, if someone's actively avoiding you when they know you're struggling, chances are they care less about you than themselves.
Even if avoiding these difficult moments occasionally feels comforting, like a relief, a study from the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that it generally only amplifies the stress and frustration they cause in the long run. So, if you don't have a safe space with someone to talk about everything, from issues in the relationship to your day, they're probably not meant for you.
9. They avoid planning for the future
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From avoiding commitment, pushing off labels, and never planning for the future, the wrong people for us will regularly treat a lifetime as a burden. They'd prefer to focus on the "now" at the expense of your security and safety, and that's a huge "red flag" that they're not the one for you.
Even if it's just helping to shape and support your personal goals in the future, it's this kind of future planning that truly benefits relationship satisfaction and longevity. Without it, we feel shame and guilt for simply daydreaming about the future, with people we wish would be there with us.
10. They invalidate your feelings and emotions
Our partners, friends, and loved ones should feel like a "safe space" for us throughout all the good and the bad. When we're struggling, they should be the people we feel secure being vulnerable with and sharing our emotions with. So, if you regularly feel worse after seeking support from someone, there's a chance they're invalidating how you feel to protect their own image, ego, or comfort.
While they might try to make us feel like it's our fault for not speaking in the right way or bringing something up at the "wrong" time, with the right person, they'll always make space to make you feel better, even when it's their mistake on the chopping block. According to a study from Anxiety, Stress, & Coping, this kind of daily invalidation only removes the ability to experience joy from our lives and continuously highlights all the negatives.
11. You cling to their potential
Whether it's consistently breaking promises, not showing up emotionally, or making you feel "crazy" from bringing up issues, if you find yourself clinging to someone's potential instead of their reality, there's a chance they're the wrong person for you.
While it might feel like a comfort to hold onto the version of someone you fell in love with or immediately clicked with after a first impression, it's easy to lose yourself in the waiting. Waiting for them to show up. Waiting for them to stop hurting you. When you start feeding into this cycle of potential and disappointment, you're only setting yourself up to feel more lonely.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
