7 Things Narcissistic Partners Do To Invalidate Your Feelings And Make You Feel Small
Narcissistic partners have a way of twisting words and minimizing emotions.
Asier Romero | Shutterstock There are few, if any, TV commercials raising awareness for emotional abuse. It's a little more inconspicuous than a black eye and much harder to capture on film. But the scars sure do last longer. At its heart, that's what emotional invalidation is: emotional abuse by a narcissistic partner.
It's a quiet erosion of your value in the relationship. Through a simple "Oh, grow up," or a "Stop being a baby," your partner is rejecting the validity of your emotions. And this all goes without saying that invalidating your feelings is incredibly cold and callous. Here's how you can tell it's happening to you.
Here are 7 things narcissistic partners do to invalidate your feelings and make you feel small:
1. Refuse to let you make any decisions
They might hear you out to give you the illusion they care what you think, but, ultimately, they make all the calls. Your opinions don't matter, remember?
A 2018 study explained that for a person with narcissistic personality disorder, control and dominance are a substitutes for genuine love and empathy. This controlling behavior is rooted in their deep-seated insecurities and fear of abandonment, making everything a win-lose game.
2. Reject your emotions
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"There's no way you're mad at me right now. Not after I just took you out to dinner." Your partner is basically saying that your opinion or feelings don't count.
It could be because they don't agree with them or they're uncomfortable dealing with them. Invalidating your emotions means your partner doesn't have to address them.
3. Project their insecurities onto you
"You're just jealous because you think I was flirting with the waitress." No relationship ever worked where one partner didn't get to have their voice heard.
When people say relationships take work, they mean maintaining the constant balance of each other's emotions. Your partner avoiding the "work" in the relationship is like wanting to have their cake and eat it, too.
Projection is a defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable feelings and flaws onto someone else. A recent study suggested that for a narcissist, this is a way to avoid taking responsibility for their insecurities or poor behavior.
4. Tell you how you should feel
"You should be grateful that I care so much to pay for your meals."
Nothing is more frustrating than a person telling you how to feel. Think about any time someone has told you to "relax" during a heated argument. It just fills you with rage, right?
5. Ignore you
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The silent treatment is another way to say, "Your feelings aren't important enough to me to even address."
Giving you the silent treatment is a deliberate tactic for control, punishment, manipulation, and to assert power in the relationship. According to one study, this behavior is rooted in their own fragile ego and fear of inadequacy, serving as a defense against vulnerability and a means to inflict feelings of worthlessness in the partner.
6. Make your feelings out to be your fault
We do have control over our emotions to some extent, but always claiming you're too sensitive every time you get upset just invalidates any unhappiness you might have.
And then, since you're "not really unhappy, just being sensitive," there's no need to talk about why you're unhappy. This can apply to almost any emotion.
"If you would just learn some trust, you wouldn't get mad at me for coming home at 3 AM stinking of stripper."
7. Dismiss you
"This is pointless. You're just overreacting." Or, "Who cares about [insert something you care deeply about]?" It's like the silent treatment, but he's telling you why he doesn't want to talk about it.
They may avoid listening to their partner or invalidate their feelings as a way to protect their own fragile ego or maintain their perceived superiority.
Research has found that while some may confuse this dismissiveness with a dismissing-avoidant attachment style, the underlying motivations are different, with narcissists actively seeking attention and validation, whereas dismissive-avoidant individuals tend to shy away from closeness.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Bob Alaburda is a senior editor at dvm360. His writing has appeared in the Huffington Post, Ravishly, and more.
