9 Hot Mess Behaviors That Will Make People Lose Respect For You Almost Immediately
Certain messy habits don't just raise eyebrows — they quickly drain people's respect for you.
Getty Images | Canva You may wonder why you keep getting ghosted after a few dates. You can start a relationship, but you can't sustain one. The guys seem to be the ones with the problems. But it may be you who is really, well, kind of a mess, and may not even realize it.
You may not be super messy, but you might have learned some bad habits from toxic relationships and life circumstances. Whatever the case may be, you're signaling the wrong thing to potential partners — from poor self-control to careless choices, these hot mess behaviors often sabotage respect right away.
Here are nine hot mess behaviors that will make people lose respect for you almost immediately:
1. You constantly cancel and reschedule
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Can't get a grip on your schedule? If you're constantly scheduling dates and then canceling, only to reschedule, your dates think you are a hot mess and a big fat flake. To you, it's just that life is hectic or you're juggling a lot; to him, it's that you can't get your act together.
Life coach Meredith Deasley cautioned to "When someone avoids meeting you in person, it could be due to various factors, including discomfort with the level of intimacy established online, fear of the unknown in face-to-face interaction, potential discrepancies between their online persona and authentic self, or simply a lack of genuine interest in pursuing a more profound connection."
2. You break up and make up with your friends
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Are you always on the "outs" with friends? To guys, that signals a lot of drama that, quite frankly, they don't want to hear about.
Of course, we ladies do have our squabbles, but if a guy looks at your friends list and sees you don't have many friends or you're fighting daily with them — or worse, you're friends with other women who bring on the drama — he'll think you're messy with a capital M.
3. You don't know how to communicate
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If you're that woman whose texting habits range from constant to distant, you're giving guys the impression that you're not really into them, and you're clearly playing him and other men. Messy, messy, and messy.
"Egos can kill a relationship," explained dating coach David Wygant. "Self-centered behaviors, lack of communication skills, and selfishness all kill relationships. Think about it. We meet someone we think is great, but then we don't know how to make it work. We're not as loving or understanding as we need to be to that person, and we expect them to accept it. We don't listen as much as we should. We just expect someone to accept us and don't do a thing about it. All that happens is we end up fighting, and that person gets frustrated."
4. You project bossy, take-it-or-leave-it vibes
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Are you very adamant about the relationship playing out only as you would like it to be? Do you dictate the way everything runs from where he sees you, when he sees you, how he sees you, and then some?
You don't only come off as rigid, but you also come off as a mess. Only an unstable person would refuse to compromise in a relationship.
Personal development Erica Isler suggested to "Seek commonality, not difference. The sages have said this for years. As humans, there’s more that binds us than separates us. Find that connection point and watch how much clearer and more authentic your interactions become."
5. You're impulsive and reckless with money
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You can't keep a dollar in your pocket to save your life, and even when you're broke, you're somehow spending like there's no tomorrow, and on the most frivolous of things. You complain about paying rent and then go out and buy a new outfit "just because."
Psychotherapist Gloira Arenson gave an example, "One of my clients, Marie, didn't feel loved as a child. As she grew up and started earning money, she became the indulgent mother she never had. When she felt emotionally needy, she acted greedily and spent her money on herself, indulging her desire for rich food and expensive shoes. As a result, she battled compulsive spending."
6. You drink in excess
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It might be cute when you tipsy-text him the first time, but the second time? This is a sign you're a hot mess. He's also wondering who else you drunk-text and how much you drink. It's even worse when he takes you out and you drink so much that he has to bring you home. I'm sorry, girl, but guys really don't want to take care of you in that way. It gives off sloppy vibes.
An Oxford University study showed that while "increased sociability is viewed as a positive outcome of drinking and is associated with increased alcohol consumption among college students. The findings indicated that disinhibited social interactions often lead to regret. While increased sociability may be desirable, false confidence can lead to inappropriate behaviors."
7. You're hot and cold
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You two get in a fight, and he apologizes, and you accept that apology. But then, you act like the Cold War is upon the two of you. You're distant. You're chilly. You accept the apology, but really, you haven't.
You act passive-aggressively. You throw the incident in his face constantly. Even if it's something worth being mad about, when you accept the apology, you have to let it go to some degree. When you are not capable of doing so, you look like an emotional mess.
8. You're a mean girl
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When you get into a fight or, perhaps, catch a nasty look from a girl at the bar, when you pitch in on a catfight, your potential dude is ready to run. Most men don't like drama, so when you decide to make the drama loud and public, he runs — not walks — away from you.
Social commentator Ossiana Tepfenhart added, "Nothing is quite as gross as seeing someone who really, truly can’t be happy for others. Being a member of the 'mean girls' club may seem like a good way to show that you’re better than them, but guys tend to find manipulative, mean, or otherwise insecure behavior a major turn-off. Seeing this behavior is often a major reason why guys won’t commit to a girl. After all, if you can be that cruel to others, who’s to say you won’t eventually turn on him?"
9. You have never-ending family drama
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Do you ever get along with your family? Even for a minute? If you genuinely have a rough family, a man will understand, but if you are constantly at war with them and don't know how to disengage from their drama, he doesn't like it. It's a sign you're a hot mess and are incapable of protecting yourself from toxic people.
Research suggests that children in toxic families that are enmeshed may struggle with autonomy, identity formation, and emotional regulation, potentially experiencing anxiety, insecurity, and difficulty in regulating their own emotions. Individuals may carry patterns of enmeshment into their relationships, perpetuating unhealthy dynamics.
Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, relationships, women's issues, and parenting for the New York Times, Women's Health, Working Mother, PopSugar, and more.
