14 Things True Friends Do When Someone Is Struggling That Would Scare Weaker People
Real friends don't just stick around when it's easy — they show up when it's hardest.
Chermiti Mohamed | Unsplash Life has its rough seasons, and when you're in the middle of one, you find out pretty quickly who your real friends are. True friends don't shy away when things get messy or complicated. They don't get scared off by panic attacks, unpredictable moods, or the exhaustion that comes with constant anxiety. Instead, they find ways to support you — even when most people would have walked away.
Helping someone who’s deeply struggling isn't easy. It takes patience, understanding, and the kind of love that's stronger than fear. True friends know how to show up in ways that make a difference, even when the situation feels overwhelming.
Here are 14 things true friends do when someone is struggling that would scare weaker people:
1. They know when to step in (and when to step back)
When your friend is freaking out, it’s crucial to know when you should comfort them and when they need space. You should also understand that their moods will vary. While they may want you to leave them be some days, on others, they will need you to hold them.
It’s important that if they ask you to leave, you do so willingly and don’t beg or plead to stay. They know how to handle their anxiety. Let them get through it on their terms. Refusing to leave them be will only make matters worse.
2. They choose their words carefully
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When a panic attack comes on, no amount of saying “Everything is OK” or “Calm down” is going to make it stop.
Asking, “Are you OK?” won’t help either. Consider their situation: Their heart is pounding, their palms are sweaty, their chest is tightening, and they're mentally battling a ‘fight or flight’ response. Honestly? Part of them probably thinks they are dying.
Make sure that whatever you say to them is helpful and constructive. For instance, you could try “remember your breathing,” or “You’ve gotten past this before, you’ll get past it again.”
3. They never judge your choices
Anxiety sometimes comes with a variety of medications. Since you’re not the one inside their head, you can’t dictate how much or how little medicine they need. Even if you’re just trying to help, know this is an area where they need control.
Chances are they don't get the amount right every time, but it’s not for you to judge — just be supportive.
4. They recognize that small things feel big
Whether it’s picking up groceries, finishing a work project, or scheduling a doctor’s appointment, even the smallest things can stress out people with anxiety and make their hearts race.
While you might be tempted to say they are being dramatic, don’t. Your negative comments or body language will only make things worse. Just remember, while these are petty tasks to you, they kick-start a war zone in your loved one's mind.
5. They listen more than they lecture
Being able to talk and feel heard is helpful. It raises their self-esteem and helps them explore the things that cause and reduce their anxiety.
Being lectured, on the other hand, is unhelpful. Focus on helping them talk rather than doing the talking for them. To do this, ask open-ended questions and never be afraid of silence. Even though you may hear nothing, they are struggling to sort through thoughts in their head.
There will be times when you want to interrupt or assist your loved one, but you just have to listen and be sensitive. Muster up patience and be as empathetic as possible. They can’t help that their brain are spinning out of control.
6. They help with plans so you don't have to
People with anxiety don’t want to make plans. They are indecisive, and the smallest of choices could potentially ruin the rest of their day. Instead, calmly let them know what you are going to do. If they don't feel up to it, accept it and don’t pressure them to reconsider.
It’s also important to know alcohol provokes symptoms of anxiety, so even if they're up for a heavy night out, a hangover will be a trip for their nerves. It’s a good idea to avoid making drinking plans with them if they have anxiety.
7. They respect how draining it is
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Anxiety is exhausting for everyone involved, but only those who suffer from it get the full effect of how tiring it is. Anxiety causes people to live in hyper-tense states, which means they're on alert at all times, looking out for danger and over-analyzing things that have happened, are happening, and could happen.
Since those of us who don’t have anxiety can’t fully comprehend this, we’ll never know just how exhausted they feel. Give them a break and don’t push them when they say they're tired or don’t feel up to doing anything.
8. They know irrational thoughts still feel real
If you think they don’t know how irrational they are being, you’re wrong. The problem is, knowing they are being irrational doesn’t stop their thoughts from racing. Sometimes knowing they are being irrational fuels their anxiety.
If it were as easy as saying, “That’s irrational, there’s no point worrying about it,” then those living with anxiety wouldn’t suffer as they do. Since they don’t need you to point out the obvious, what you can do is be compassionate, understanding, and supportive.
9. They gently pull you back when you drift away
When someone suffers from anxiety, they are not present, so it’s important to support them when they fall into the depths of their mind. The strangest things can set off anxiety, and when it happens, you may see the vacancy on their face or have other ways of knowing that they're lost in thought. Gently nudge them back to reality, remind them where they are and what they're doing, and they'll appreciate you doing so.
Part of managing anxiety is controlling the inner monologue that comes with it. Sometimes it can require their full attention, which means they'll drop out of conversations. Never assume they are ignoring you or uninterested in what you’re saying.
10. They stay calm, even when it's hard
Watching someone who's suffering from an anxiety attack can make us panic; however, you must stay calm to avoid feeding their panic. If you need to, you can scream in your head, but only if you know how to mask it.
Out of love, we often ask, “Are you OK?” after something traumatic happens, but when it comes to anxiety, this isn’t helpful.
If they are feeling fine but you think something is up, asking whether they're OK is only going to make them think about it, analyze all the possible reasons they’re not OK, or worry about why you’re asking if they’re OK in the first place. Instead, stay calm. Your peaceful presence can do wonders for them.
11. They support the little things that comfort you
Sometimes the strangest things will help them deal with their anxiety, but no matter how odd they are, never criticize or question their comfort. Instead, make a mental note.
For example, if you’ve noticed they seem calmer after painting, then get your paint supplies stocked up, or if they are less anxious when your DVDs are in alphabetical order, then get sorting.
Sometimes it’s easier to spot this stuff when we’re looking from the outside in. If you notice something that reduces their anxiety, never hesitate to keep it in mind for next time. Brainstorm with them about little things to help soothe anxiety.
Discovering and researching things that have helped others may also make you both feel better.
12. They don't make you feel like a burden
They already know how much of a burden his anxiety is, so they don't need a reminder. They understand they are sometimes unreasonable and unreliable, and it’s frustrating for the people who love them. It’s something they likely beat themselves up over, so don’t make them feel worse by reminding them.
You can (and probably will) express frustration or anger about their anxiety from time to time, but it’s just important to do so as lovingly as possible. When you say it negatively, you trigger or increase their worries.
It’s normal for things to slip out sometimes, but try to avoid it as much as possible. Tough love doesn’t work in these situations. If you want to speak about the issue, be gentle.
13. They focus on what's good about you
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For some reason or another, there tends to be a stigma around mental health issues.
Remember, they are still human beings with all the complexities that everyone else has, so treat them accordingly. The only way to have a successful relationship with a person who struggles with anxiety is to love them regardless of their issues. You’ll have to learn to love them because of it.
It’s pretty easy to get focused on the doom and gloom of any issue, especially ones that hurt the person you love. Instead of focusing on the negative, remember that their greatness came before and will come after the anxiety issue. Choose to see the upside of the situation.
14. They love you through it
Anxiety is rough on everyone involved. They understand this and are aware of what it takes to support them. They know they are hard to live with, and you go to great lengths to help them.
Sometimes anxiety can evolve into rage or depression. It’s a shape-shifter. It takes on a lot of different forms. But amid a bad episode or a difficult time, do not forget they love you, care about you, and appreciate you more than you know.
Brad Browning is a relationship coach and expert from Vancouver, Canada, with over 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships.
