10 Behaviors That Reveal A Friend Is Not A Good Person, No Matter How Nice They Seem At First
Kateryna Hliznitsova | Unsplash No friendship is perfect, and you’re going to have ups and downs. But if you find that certain people seem to bring on unpleasant behavior consistently — and take it out on you more and more often — you might be dealing with a toxic friend.
Good friendships are one of the best things life has to offer. The right people lift you, celebrate your wins, and stick around when things get hard. But not everyone who shows up as a friend actually is one. Some people are really good at making a great first impression and even better at slowly revealing who they really are over time.
Here are 10 behaviors that reveal a friend is not a good person, no matter how nice they seem at first:
1. They play the victim
This friend is emotionally draining because everything is surrounded by the drama that she creates. When you try to be supportive and help her, you find she’s more interested in sympathy instead of suggestions.
Psychologists have identified this pattern as a personality trait called "Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood," and found that people high in this trait were much more likely to attribute maliciousness to other people — and never themselves. It's an effective framework for garnering attention and compassion, which is exactly what they're after.
2. They judge
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Instead of being supportive of things you do, she casts a curtain of judgment. From condescending comments about your workout routine or haircut to disapproving looks at the guy that you date, nothing ever lives up to her high expectations. If nothing you do ever seems good enough for them, that's not high standards, that's a red flag.
Psychologist Dr. Jenn Berman describes a toxic friend as "someone who tends to be critical of you — sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally."
3. They're wishy-washy
What do you want to do? I don’t care, what do you want to do? She’s indecisive about everything from what you should do for Girl’s Night to bigger decisions in her life, looking to others for validation and advice on what she should do.
Psychiatrist Dr. Shana Feibel explains that "someone seeking approval puts the power in other people's hands. They allow other people to make them feel happy, sad, guilty, and so on." Over time, this dynamic can become exhausting when you realize you've become their decision-making crutch rather than their friend.
4. They interrupt
You can never finish a story because she will interrupt, add her opinion, and then somehow steer the conversation towards her. Most of the time, it feels like she’s looking more for an audience than a friend.
A clear sign of conversational narcissism is the tendency to constantly interrupt when you're speaking, either to cut you off and put the attention back on themselves or to correct, judge, minimize, or invalidate what you're saying. A real friend wants to hear your story, not just wait for an opening to tell theirs.
5. They one-up you
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, she’s already done it and probably done it better than you — at least in her own mind. She will be supportive if it’s something she’s not interested in, but otherwise, she will downplay your achievements as less than her own.
A friend with narcissistic traits may become overly competitive, belittle you, or downplay your achievements to feel better about themselves, psychologists have noted. Being competitive with you, your narcissistic friend does not want to see you succeed because they believe your success impacts theirs, and that makes them feel less than.
6. They flirt with your significant other
You can go out and have fun once in a while, but she always tries to get you to do things you’re uncomfortable doing, and you wouldn’t trust her around your significant other.
Research shows that most betrayals are committed by people we know rather than strangers, and blurred boundary lines and betrayal of trust are telltale signs of a toxic friendship. If your gut tells you not to leave her alone with your partner, that's all the information you need.
7. They're mean
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She’s superficially popular in that people think her sarcasm and jokes can be funny, but at times she also veers into being mean. It makes you wonder what she says about you, especially because she only contacts you when she needs something, because her ego is bigger than her bond to you.
There's a reason her "jokes" leave you with a weird feeling in your stomach. Research has found that sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor, and despite smiling outwardly, many people who receive sarcastic comments feel put down and often think the sarcastic person is a jerk.
8. They're a people pleaser
Instead of giving you an honest opinion and offering helpful and constructive advice and support, she'll say anything you want to hear for fear she’ll upset you in some way.
It might seem harmless, but a friend who only tells you what you want to hear is actually withholding something important: the truth. As relationship experts point out, if a person cannot be honest about what they want in relationships or what they think in a conversation, then it is impossible for them to be known or for anyone to know how to love them, and the same goes for truly knowing how to be a good friend to you.
9. They keep score
Friendship should be a give-and-take, but she always reminds you of every favor she’s ever done for you, in addition to every time you weren’t able to drop everything and tend to whatever she needs.
Healthy friendships aren't supposed to feel like a transaction. Psychology researchers have found that in genuine friendships, no one is keeping track of who did what for whom, and when people were surveyed about what they want in a friend, they didn't place a high value on someone conscientious about paying back a few bucks here and there.
10. They live in the past
This is the friend that you’ve known since the days of Lisa Frank's planners and prom, and she continues to live in the past. You treasure the memories that you have, but you’ve outgrown each other and don’t have much in common anymore, justifying the relationship with, “But we’ve known each other forever.”
But there's a moment where you have to ask yourself if your age-old relationship has become toxic and whether it's holding you back more than moving you forward.
Abby Heugel is a freelance writer, editor, and award-winning blogger whose work has been featured in The Huffington Post, Bustle, In the Powder Room, and Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, among others.
