11 Phrases Husbands Use When They Weaponize Responsibility
Why are husbands always mowing the lawn right before you have to leave?
AYO Production | Shutterstock You've probably already heard about the toxicity of weaponized incompetence in relationships, specifically with men who avoid doing household chores or supporting their partner's emotional labor efforts by suggesting they "don't know how" or feigning incompetence. However, there's a new trend coined by relationship experts — "weaponized responsibility" — where partners busy themselves with certain chores or tasks and subsequently avoid helping their partners with shared efforts.
Rather than help their partner with shared responsibilities and then focus on their own, they prioritize their own to-do list and let their partner take care of everything else. While the phrases husbands use when they weaponize responsibility seem unsuspecting, they burden their partners with both their own responsibilities and shared ones in a relationship, sparking resentment, disconnection, and frustration.
Here are 11 phrases husbands use when they weaponize responsibility
1. 'This is important'
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By choosing to focus on household chores or responsibilities that are singularly owned and important, like catching up on work emails or paying a bill they're responsible for, rather than supporting their partner when they ask for help with something that's co-owned — like caring for a child — husbands weaponize responsibility.
"I think weaponizing responsibility is about de-prioritizing the things that can [be] or are co-owned below the items that are singularly owned by the person that's weaponizing them," says Zach Watson, a TikTok creator leading Mental Load Basics, a support group for men on emotional labor in relationships.
By suggesting that what they're doing is "important," they're also subtly saying that it's more important than helping their partner. Nobody is negotiating how important or necessary the task they're doing is, and a phrase like this is perfectly acceptable. But weaponizing that responsibility to avoid helping others is not only dismissive, but isolating in relationships.
2. 'I just have to do this really quick'
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If you've had a husband that starts mowing the lawn right before you're supposed to leave or even busies themselves with random work tasks when there's a million other more pressing things to do, chances are you've heard this phrase before.
It seems so unsuspecting at the moment, and sometimes you can even feel guilty for getting annoyed. They're doing something helpful, it's just not what needs to be done right now.
It's the opposite of weaponized incompetence, where people feign incompetence to avoid doing something. These people are busying themselves with tasks that are important to avoid the things they'd prefer not to do.
3. 'I can't do everything'
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According to research from Pew Research Center, the majority of women tend to do most of the housework, chores, and emotional labor in heteronormative relationships and marriages, despite working the same, if not more, hours than their male partners.
So, phrases like this not only feel invalidating to many women who are already shouldering the burden of housework and stress, but dismissive. Of course, they can acknowledge that you're doing something important, but is it really what needs to be done at this moment, at the same moment that she's asking for help?
4. 'This won't get done if I don't do it'
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Many of the phrases husbands use when they weaponize responsibility are intended to blame-shift, making their kids or family members feel guilty for asking for help or demanding it when they're busy with something only they know how to do.
For example, if a husband weaponizes the responsibility of paying a bill that only he has access to to avoid taking care of the kids, which is a shared parental responsibility, he may use a phrase like this to make his wife feel guilty, which is a behavior that can effectively destroy the connection in a relationship. She doesn't know how to do it, so he's "forced" to do it, unsurprisingly at the same time the kids need a bath or there's another chore they don't want to do.
Sometimes this weaponization happens without a conscious thought or decision. They may be seeking a "thank you" from their partner or even grappling with anxiety about their to-do lists.
5. 'I can't do that, I'm busy'
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Despite shouldering tons of responsibility and often being forced to multitask to handle the emotional and household to-do's on their plate, many women are still forced to deal with their partner's weaponized responsibility. Phrases like this are often used to guilt women into asking for help — they're doing something to busy themselves, but they're not really being helpful.
Of course, a healthy marital dynamic should be fueled by open and honest communication, rather than passive-aggressive phrases or resentment-fueled conversations.
6. 'You always pick the worst time to ask for help'
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Husbands who weaponize responsibility may use a phrase like this to make excuses for not helping their partners or making time for their shared responsibilities. Of course, being the only one doing shared responsibilities or having to remind their partner to do them in the first place can build resentment for already stressed out wives and mothers.
Martial tension and lowered levels of satisfaction between partners is generally fueled by resentment, according to a study from the Journal of Family Psychology. Sadly, this resentment tends to grow subtly before it bubbles to the surface and fuels conflict, built by subtle conversations, phrases like this, or even an unequal distribution of labor between partners at home.
So, don't avoid accountability, make excuses for your behavior, or try to dismiss your partner's frustrations when they ask you for help. Don't take the defensive, no matter how uncomfortable it is to look inward and sit with your emotions.
7. 'I'm trying to be productive'
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According to clinical psychologist Karin Gepp, guilt-tripping is a behavior that's often natural in relationships. It's a kind of passive-aggressive language and behavior that manifests itself in someone who doesn't have the framework to healthily express their needs or resolve conflict.
A phrase like this one can be passive-aggressive. They're trying to make their partner feel guilty for asking them for help when they're working on something less important at the current moment, largely because they know there's a level of affection, trust, or connection there to weaponize responsibility.
8. 'Nothing I do is ever enough'
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If you've heard this phrase, intended to guilt and shame women into never asking for help from their partners, chances are you have a husband that weaponizes responsibility. Yes, they're always doing something — paying bills, mowing the lawn, or cleaning something — but they're very rarely doing something that's actually helpful.
They tend to busy themselves with chores and tasks that are easy for them or they prefer to do, so they have an excuse for avoiding the things they don't. However, at the end of the day, the person — typically mothers and wives — that gets stuck doing this work also has a million other things on their plate to accomplish.
Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, this may be an example of "all-or-nothing thinking." He revealed, "We fall into all-or-nothing thinking toward our partners to alleviate the stress and tension it causes us when their statements or actions don't make sense to us ('How could he not know that always leaving dishes in the sink drives me nuts?') or don't fulfill our needs ('She never supports me'). The extremes of all-or-nothing thinking reduce emotional tension by giving us a convenient, easy-to-understand way to explain our partners' behaviors that disturb us."
9. 'I thought you liked doing that chore'
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Having a partner that weaponizes their incompetency and responsibilities can feel isolating. They're not making an effort to help you, every chore feels like a point of contention or resentment, and you never feel truly heard.
Even unsuspecting phrases like this one, that seem harmless in the moment, can build into a resentful spiral that disconnects everyone in a relationship from one another. When your partner asks for help or is handling the majority of the tasks you agreed would be a shared responsibility, don't just assume they "like" doing them. Step in, help them out, ask how you can be better in the future.
According to Bernstein, men should help around the house without being asked. "Being domestically attentive to the woman in your life goes a long way toward fostering feelings of love for you. Don't wait to be asked to clean up! Do it on your own and do it because it is the right thing to do," he suggested.
10. 'I'll get to it later, why are you so upset?'
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Many of the phrases husbands use when they weaponize responsibility are followed up by some kind of gaslighting language like this one. "Why are you so upset?" or "you're overreacting" are intended to spark some kind of self-doubt in their partners, making them feel guilty or embarrassed for asking for help in the first place.
It's okay to ask your partner for help, even if they seem busy, are working on something less timely, or in the trenches with work. That's what they're there for. It's their own inability to regulate discomfort, set boundaries, and communicate healthily that's sparking conflict from these conversations, not you asking for help.
11. 'You're better at that'
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This phrase is one that's both emblematic of weaponized incompetence and responsibility. Someone who is actively avoiding a specific responsibility or chore might simultaneously use them both, busying themself with a random task, while also suggesting they're incapable of doing anything else as effectively as their partner.
Of course, they're adults; they can learn, grow, and embrace things they've never done before, even if it's a chore they dislike. Assuming your partner will make life comfortable by doing everything you don't like or want to do, you're only pushing them farther away and sparking resentment at the foundation of your relationship.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
