11 Passive Aggressive Phrases That Are Actually Way Meaner Than Just Being Rude Outright
Zmaster / Shutterstock It’s easy to spot a rude person and avoid them, but passive-aggressive people can be even more toxic. They present their scathing comments in a way that seems like they have your best interests at heart, while they’re really just breaking your heart more than someone being outright rude ever could.
Psychologist Dr. Ashley Olivine, PhD, described passive aggressiveness as “indirect hostility rather than a direct expression of anger.” It sounds like this would be preferable to having someone treat you with open disdain, but a passive-aggressive person can actually be even more hurtful. These are some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases, which are far meaner than someone just being straight-up rude.
Here are 11 passive aggressive phrases that are actually way meaner than just being rude outright
1. ‘I don’t like how you handled that’
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If someone said they didn’t like how another person handled something, it would be easy to think that they were speaking from a place of concern or just trying to help. However, this kind of phrase comes with the major implication that the other person is incapable or unintelligent.
Having proper support from other people is crucial for our mental and physical health. You can’t support everyone in absolutely every situation, especially if they’re doing something that hurts themselves or others, but having a general tendency toward support is a good thing. This phrase is the exact opposite. It’s someone trying to hide their disapproval behind a veil of support.
2. ‘You’re still a beginner’
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There’s a difference between acknowledging that you’re not perfect at something because you’re new to it, and someone not-so-sweetly implying that because you’re a beginner, they think you’re actually awful at doing that thing.
In our society, there’s a very real temptation to stick to what you know you’re good at because you can be more productive with those tasks. But learning something new, even if you’re having a hard time with it, gives your brain the chance to develop new neural pathways, which improves your brain health.
There’s nothing wrong with being a beginner. In fact, it’s something to be proud of. If someone sends the message that your beginner status really just means you’re bad at something, that’s definitely going to feel even more hurtful than them just being rude outright.
3. ‘I love you, but…’
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Is there really any good sentence that starts out this way? This is basically a passive-aggressive person’s attempt to soften the blow they’re about to deliver. They’ve established that they love you before they drop whatever comes after the “but,” so it’s technically OK if they say something that causes you pain.
There are a lot of reasons someone might hurt your feelings, even if they’re really a nice person, according to clinical psychologist Barbara Markway, PhD. For example, they may be speaking without really thinking, or they may not know what communication style is best for you. Some people simply don’t care, though, and they say whatever they want to, along with a simple “I love you” to try to make it seem more acceptable.
4. ‘I think you have good intentions’
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This phrase subtly lets someone know that the person who said it disapproves of their actions and thinks they made the wrong choice, but it masks that by making it sound like a compliment. They’re saying that they know you thought you were doing the right thing, and that surely counts for something.
Our brains work in a way that forces us to think of the choices we make as being ideal so we feel minimal regret. Psychologist Juliana Breines, PhD, said that this is what’s known as cognitive dissonance reduction. This means that we typically approve of our own choices, at least at first. If someone implies that our heart was in the right place but we didn’t achieve the best outcome, it can completely invalidate our feelings and make us question our intuition.
5. ‘Just circling back’
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This phrase is a classic in the workplace, and many people use it without intending to be passive-aggressive. However, there are definitely situations where someone uses this as a jab to loudly say they’re still waiting for a response. You might have had a perfectly valid reason to take your time, or even have honestly forgotten, but they won’t let it go in the meanest way possible.
Someone may feel the need to say this because they’re suffering from hurry sickness. This isn’t an actual diagnosis, but refers to that feeling of having a lot to do and needing to do it all as soon as possible. Still, just because someone else is experiencing hurry sickness doesn’t mean they need to pass that on. There are much nicer ways to prompt a response.
6. ‘You look really tired today’
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Someone could claim that they said you look tired because they’re genuinely worried about you and your health, but we know that’s hardly ever the truth. In reality, people point out that another person looks tired to say that they’re not looking their best, and maybe aren’t trying hard enough.
A study published in the Social and Personality Psychology Compass proved that even when people try really hard not to, everyone is hardwired to make judgments about others based on their appearance. This means it’s possible that someone saying you look tired doesn’t really mean anything bad by it.
However, it’s also very possible that that person is saying that you just don’t look good. Commenting on someone else’s appearance like that is never welcome, so this thinly veiled insult really does come across as mean.
7. ‘Let’s give other people the chance to talk’
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Hearing this phrase might not have been as big a deal when you were a kid. After all, kids do tend to talk a lot and sometimes need a reminder from a caring adult to let others converse as well. It’s absolutely infantilizing when you hear it as an adult, though. It lets you know that they don’t value your input and don’t mind humiliating you.
That kind of humiliation is even easier to bring out in someone who doesn’t have much confidence in themselves and who holds onto their dignity very tightly. This means someone could very well be targeting your emotions based on what they know triggers you. Delivering this kind of phrase, dripping with sarcasm, is often meaner than just plain rudeness.
8. ‘Thanks in advance’
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Being told “thanks in advance” is a hard pill to swallow because it basically means you don’t have a choice. If someone is thanking you for something that you haven’t done yet, then they’re clearly saying that you’d better do it because it’s what they’re counting on. It shows a lack of regard and respect for your time and priorities.
Child psychiatrist Dr. Christine B.L. Adams, MD, explained that these kinds of people are known as takers, and they are often characterized by their arrogance, selfishness, and sky-high self-confidence. Everyone has encountered a taker before, but it can be hard to identify them when they hide behind subtle comments that sound nice. Really, they’re anything but.
9. ‘OK, that was better’
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This sounds like something a person would say when they want to recognize someone’s growth and improvement, and for some, it could be just that. More often than not, people use this phrase in a condescending tone meant to indicate that they do not approve of your performance at all, and are actually surprised that you were able to improve any.
If one person is treating another in a condescending way, it means that they’re showing serious disrespect and sending the message that they think they are better. So, they didn’t do anything outright rude, but often these little digs can hurt even more than someone saying something that you could consider mean at face value. It gets under your skin in an entirely different, frustrating way.
10. ‘I think we need some space’
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This is such a commonly used phrase when a relationship is going south. And, in those situations, it’s often healthy to take a step back and spend some time alone. If someone is not in a romantic relationship with you and they say this in a way that sounds sweet but feels like the opposite, it’s a strong indication that they’re just being mean.
There are pretty much as many different reasons to be mean as there are ways of doing so, but one that pops up commonly is someone getting defensive because they actually feel threatened by or jealous of what you have. That could be one reason someone says they need to take a break or need some space. Being around you is actually hurting them, although it’s no excuse for their behavior.
11. ‘You’re so brave for that’
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This is an excellent example of a backhanded compliment. Relationship expert Jessica Alderson described this as “a statement that appears to have positive connotations on the surface but also contains a subtle insult or criticism. They are intended to appear as an expression of praise at face value, but the underlying meaning is often insecure or mocking.”
It would sound nice if someone said you were brave, but that’s far from what they mean when using this phrase. It implies that you made a decision that the other person would never have made. Their fake admiration for your bravery just means they think you went a little too far.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
