People Who Try To Control Everything By Being Passive-Aggressive Usually Display These 5 Behaviors
They may never admit it, but their subtle digs and backhanded moves reveal a clear patterns.
Omid Armin | Unsplash Who are passive-aggressive people? These are the types of people who avoid responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. They are the “nice people” who reel you in with their adoration, and once you're in the game, they turn the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike.
In our relationships, we can also fall victim to controlling behavior like this. But instead of wondering if you're caught in this situation, here are a few signs to easily identify passive-aggressive people.
People who try to control everything by being passive-aggressive usually display these five behaviors:
1. They say one thing but mean another
Sure, they want to go to a movie. They even appear to enjoy themself, until later that night when they reject you intimately. You see, they didn’t want to go to a movie, but their passivity wouldn't allow them to own it.
Their fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” them do. What better way to punish than to withhold something they know you want?
2. They have a major fear of conflict
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They will do anything to keep from arguing with you. They've been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and not something you will get from this person.
What you will get is a relationship with a person who avoids solving problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship, and avoids making an intimate connection with you.
Research suggests that individuals with a high need for control may fear conflict because it threatens their perceived sense of order and predictability. They might also hold rigid beliefs about how conflicts should be handled or how others should behave, creating distress when reality deviates from these expectations.
3. They frequently play the victim
This poor person can’t win for losing. They won't show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you're upset. They could have picked their cell phone up and called, but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait.
You waiting on them makes them angry, too. They get to punish and blame you. They're a “good person” who's the victim of an unreasonable person who expects too much from them.
Playing the victim can be a manipulative tactic used to gain sympathy, control, or avoid responsibility. One study argued that by portraying themselves as unfairly treated, the individual may be able to guilt others into complying with their wishes or avoid accountability for their actions.
4. They're forgetful
They forget birthdays, anniversaries — anything important to you will be forgotten by them. My ex used to forget they needed something from me until the last minute.
If there was a social event related to his work, I would get a notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare for something in a few hours that would normally take days.
A 2014 study explained that the act of constantly monitoring, planning, and adjusting for every detail places a heavy burden on working memory, which has a limited capacity. This overload can hinder the processing of new memories into long-term storage and impair the ability to access existing memories.
5. They're secretly afraid of you
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They want you, but they don’t want to become attached to you. They're in a constant battle with themself to pursue and then distance themself.
According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive-Aggressive Man, the passive-aggressive person is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone. They fight their dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. They want you to think they don’t depend on you, but they bind themself closer than they care to admit."
You probably have a lot of anger toward passive-aggressive people you've been involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you're angry about. They're sweet, kind, and loving.
There must be something wrong with you; a good man would want to be intimate with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems, or just show up on time every once in a while.
And that's the trap people fall into — they become responsible for all that's wrong in the relationship. They keep you hanging by doing things for you that they don't want, never arguing, and being such a nice person. All those puzzling behaviors send the opposite message.
That is why they call it “crazy-making” behavior. The passive-aggressive person is very good at appearing to be calm, cool, and collected while you're going off the deep end. It isn’t their intent to frustrate, offend, or cause you to feel guilty; they truly do only want to help.
The issue is that the kind of help they have to offer comes with a price. They have expectations they're unable to openly express, and when you don’t meet those expectations, you get resentment and punishment in return.
Divorced Women Online is an online magazine written by divorced women, for divorced women. Whatever stage women are at, DWO offers support, information, and expert advice every step of the way.
