If Someone Is Passive-Aggressive, They'll Rely On These 10 Innocent-Sounding Lines
Faruk Tokluoğlu | Pexels The thing about passive-aggressive people is that they're never really saying what they mean, and that's what makes interacting with them so exhausting. Rather than being able to communicate directly, they make sure to slip the fact that they're frustrated into their tone and words. It leaves you thinking that what they're saying is completely harmless, but if you read between the lines, you can immediately pick up on their judgments and irritability. Because if someone is passive-aggressive, they'll rely on certain innocent-sounding lines.
Passive-aggressiveness can be hard to detect if you don't know what to look for, but for the most part these individuals tend to rely on the same phrases over and over again. It gives them the perfect cover where they can express their annoyance without jeopardizing coming off as being rude and directly hurting the person's feelings. But the thing that passive-aggressive people don't understand is using these lines hurts a lot more than just coming out with it and being honest about how they really feel.
If someone is passive-aggressive, they'll rely on these 10 innocent-sounding lines
1. 'No worries, it's fine'
Monkey Business Images | Shutterstock
Typically, passive-aggressive people tend to stay away from conflict-resolution because of how deeply they may fear it. They prefer to let their resentment come out in other ways, including brushing off things as being "fine" when, in reality, they're stewing and incredibly sullen about whatever has just happened.
So, if someone is passive-aggressive, they'll rely on innocent-sounding lines like "no worries" or "it's fine" to brush off concerns. But most of the time, people can tell that nothing is fine at all.
Because these individuals tend to be non-confrontational, the idea of actually being vulnerable and having to talk about their feelings pushes them to rely on pretending that everything is going good even when it's not. However, avoiding conflict-resolution altogether is not good, especially for your long-term health.
According to a study from the University of Georgia, people who resolve conflict with positive behaviors experience better stress regulation, and in turn, could be increasing their longevity.
2. 'I don't want to start anything, but...'
Minerva Studio | Shutterstock
It might sound like a peace offering at first, but usually they're just preparing to launch into something even messier than they probably should be. By claiming that they don't want to start anything, they're hoping it excuses them from saying something judgmental or criticizing when the next words leave their mouth.
It's usually something that they've been holding onto for awhile, and they simply want to be able to air it out without taking responsibility for the tension it might end up creating.
It's indirect and therefore a slippery slope where it can end up causing more conflict than resolution, which is something passive-aggressive people can't get behind anyway. Rather than being blamed for it, they get to pretend that it wasn't their prerogative.
3. 'I guess we just value different things'
Mix Tape | Shutterstock
Whether it's "I guess we just value different things" or "Our priorities don't align, if someone is passive-aggressive, they'll rely on these innocent-sounding lines. Unfortunately, passive-aggressive people tend to hide behind this phrase by reinforcing the idea that they think they're right about something while the other person is completely in the wrong.
Rather than actually hearing them out to see where they're coming from, they'll simply phrase it in a way that makes them look mature about it without them actually having to come out and say what they really feel.
It's a tidy way for these individuals to claim that they don't want to argue at all, but they also still want you to feel the sting from their words anyway. It's feels dismissive when you hear it because that was the entire intention behind the line in the first place.
4. 'I thought you already knew'
Mariana_erato | Shutterstock
Despite what passive-aggressive people may think, no one can read their minds. So, when someone gets upset with them that they weren't told something, they'll act all breezy and even shocked that they're left in the dark. Suddenly, you're the one being kept out of the loop, even though they're the one who never actually said anything in the first place.
In a way, passive-aggressive people enjoy being able to use this line because it allows them to feel like they're in control and also dodge the discomfort of admitting that they might have left something unimportant out. It's about avoiding accountability as they don't have to own up to the responsibility of either having forgotten completely or choosing to omit the truth altogether.
"A common obstacle to apologizing is the conviction that we shouldn't have to apologize because we didn't do anything 'wrong.' In some cases, this might even be technically true from a fact-based perspective," explained licensed psychologist Lynn Margolies. "But being invested in proving we're 'right,' even in one's internal dialogue, only prolongs conflict and sows division."
5. 'I was just joking'
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock
Hiding behind humor as a way to brush something off as being harsh is something that these individuals tend to do quite often. They might say a comment that hits a little too close to home for the person on the receiving end, and they'll watch as it clearly offended you, but still act as if you're the one who simply can't take the joke.
Instead of actually telling jokes that can make people laugh, they use them as an opportunity to be passive-aggressive. Then, they hide behind the fact that it was supposed to be a joke in the first place.
"The kind of joke that maybe your partner, parent, friend, child, or co-worker reacts to with something less than a laugh. Perhaps the kind of reaction that motivates you to say, 'It's just a joke.' Consider why you made the joke, and the feelings that were behind the making of the joke," encouraged licensed marriage and family therapist Phil Stark.
A joke is only funny when people are laughing. If you say something that's borderline insulting, the best thing to do is just to own up to the fact that you either didn't mean it in that way and you're sorry for hurting their feelings, or reevaluate if you're using jokes as a way to get things off your chest rather than speaking truthfully.
6. 'I didn't want to be the one to say anything'
SG Shot | Shutterstock
While talking to a passive-aggressive person, the moment you hear them claim that they didn't want to be one to deliver the news that they're currently delivering, it's usually not the case at all. Instead, it's their way of keeping up appearances that they're the ones being the peacemaker, but in reality, they're stewing and plotting on the perfect moment to drop the bomb that they secretly agree with.
However, they don't want to be the ones who are stirring the pot and causing trouble. They make it seem like any tension that comes from what they've just said is your fault for not picking up on the problem sooner. It's their way of softening the blow while making sure that you still walk away feeling guilty and internalize everything that was said about you too.
7. 'If it works for you, that's all that matters'
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock
Trying to sound supportive at first is something that passive-aggressive people can be quite good at when they want to be. It sounds as if they're in your corner and cheering you on, but in reality, it's less about encouragement and more about questioning the choices that you're making and pretending that they're fine with it when they're not. It's purely because they just can't find the middle ground between passiveness and aggressiveness, which is just being assertive.
"Assertiveness is the middle ground between passivity and aggression. It involves standing up for your needs and rights while respecting the needs and rights of others. This approach is rooted in honesty, empathy, and a commitment to finding solutions that benefit all parties involved," said psychotherapist Moshe Ratson.
Usually they're quietly stewing about it, and it's also something that really grinds their gears. However, they want to stay neutral about it all so they'll frame it in a way that'll leave you thinking about your choices and eventually start to feel self-conscious about it. Rather than being direct, which would solve so many issues in the first place, they resort to creating more in the process.
8. 'I guess we're not in a hurry'
Jair Rangel | Shutterstock
If someone is passive-aggressive, they'll rely on innocent-sounding lines like "I guess we're not in a hurry." This phrase often comes with the tone that they're very annoyed or frustrated with the fact that someone might have been running late.
Even if they're in the right for being wrong, especially when it's someone that's chronically late all the time and doesn't ever communicate about it, they don't ever want to just admit it outright.
"We must understand that we are not confronting so that the other person will change. We are confronting because there are things that we have always needed to say and we are now going to say them. We are confronting to heal the self, not so that the other person will change," insisted licensed professional counselor Andrea Matthews.
It's the kind of comment that makes the person who was late pause and wonder if they're actually doing something wrong because the passive-aggressive person isn't being forthcoming with how they feel, but they can still sense their aggravation. If you're not going to pull someone up on the behavior that you don't like, then unfortunately, you don't really get to sit there and stew in it while making the passive-aggressive comment. You either have to let it go or address it.
9. 'I didn't think you were the type'
Riderfoot | Shutterstock
There's rarely ever curiosity behind a passive-aggressive person's tone when they point out that they didn't think you were the type of person to do the thing you're talking about. Rather, it's them being judgmental but trying to hide behind the innocence of this line. It's clear that you acted in a way that they were surprised about, but they're usually not fine with it at all.
Rather than admitting that they're confused or just attempting to open the floor up for an actual discussion, they make it seem like you're some kind of anomaly. They simply don't want to deal with having a real conversation that exposes their true feelings, so they instead plant the seeds of doubt and watch the other person try and wrestle with it.
10. 'I thought you'd know what to do'
Depiction Images | Shutterstock
A passive-aggressive individual saying this line is rarely ever complimentary about how competent they believe you to be. Rather than being able to give out actual instructions or even explain their own intentions and expectations, they assume or just pretend to assume that you should already know. When you don't, because again, people do not have the ability to read minds, suddenly it's all your fault.
Instead of actually owning up to the fact that they just have poor communication, they project and leave it to hang above the other person's head, which doesn't solve absolutely anything. The problem just becomes bigger and bigger, when it could've been nipped in the bud initially. But instead, a much bigger conflict has arisen.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
