12 Passive-Aggressive Ways A Covert Narcissist Will Try To Manipulate You
Covert narcissists tend to fly under the radar with their subtle behavior.
Depiction Images | Shutterstock A covert narcissist is someone who hides their entitlement and manipulative tendencies while pretending to be a humble person. The signs of this type of narcissist aren't always obvious, but what can reveal their true nature is the passive-aggressive behavior. Whether it's using backhanded compliments, gaslighting you, or weaponizing incompetence, these are just a few of the passive-aggressive ways a covert narcissist will try to manipulate you.
They get to silently serve their entitled, superior nature, while still appearing likable and friendly, all under the guise of plausible deniability. Covert narcissists may be passive-aggressive through verbal or non-verbal communication, but sometimes they do it through both at the same time.
Here are 12 passive-aggressive ways a covert narcissist will try to manipulate you
1. Making you believe everything is fine
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A covert narcissist will make it obvious they're angry — huffing around, closing cabinets loudly, abruptly ending a conversation. You might ask if they're upset and they'll respond, "I'm fine. Nothing is wrong." But it's obvious something is wrong, even when you ask again and get the same response.
In this case, a covert narcissist avoids being accountable for their own feelings, making it clear you're to blame, without giving you a reason or something you can address. They get supply by letting you know they're upset with you, all while being able to deny that truth.
2. Giving you the silent treatment
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One of the most damaging and passive-aggressive ways a covert narcissist will try to manipulate you is by giving you the silent treatment. And, according to relationship expert Margaret Paul, the silent treatment is, in fact, a form of abuse.
By doing this, the covert narcissist makes it obvious you have wronged them in some way, either hurting, angering or disappointing them. They'll communicate in one-word, disinterested answers, or stop talking to you altogether.
3. Using backhanded compliments
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Also known as a passive-aggressive put-down, a covert narcissist will offer what appears to be a compliment, but is actually an insult with a barb or stinger at the end. They may say things like, "Great job on the project, I didn't think you were that smart," or, "I love the fact that you don't care what others think of your appearance."
Their supposed compliment leaves you feeling confused or poorly about yourself. And that's the point. As relationship expert Nicole Moore explained, "Typically, a backhanded compliment tells you that the person who is giving you the backhanded compliment has some hidden jealousy, aggression, or competitiveness with you. The person giving the compliment may feel insecure on the inside, so they need to tear others down to feel better about themselves."
4. Using code words
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This passive-aggressive behavior can be very hard to see, as a covert narcissist may create a code word that conveys something negative to or about you. They may bring others into the loop to isolate you. The code word may be obvious — for example, calling you "princess" when they want to imply you are high maintenance.
When confronted with the use of these code words, the narcissist will continue to manipulate and put the blame on you. They may say things like, "What? I'm calling you princess because you're beautiful. Why are you so upset?"
5. Going heavy on sarcasm
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Covert narcissists use sarcasm to insult or convey irritation with you, using words that, in an obvious way, mean the opposite of what they want to say. Perhaps it's saying, "Way to go" or "Nice job, Einstein" when you make a mistake. But if you call them out for being hurtful, they'll deny the sarcasm and claim they meant what they said.
Narcissistic abuse recovery expert Big Nehe further explained, "The difference between healthy humor and narcissistic humor comes down to intent. Healthy humor is about connection and joy, while narcissistic humor is about control and superiority. When a narcissist makes a joke at your expense, it's not just a harmless comment — it's a way to assert dominance and keep you off-balance.
6. Mumbling under their breath
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Sometimes, a covert narcissist will mumble loud enough for you to hear them, but quietly enough they can deny speaking to you. Other times, you feel the energy behind their incomprehensible words — the angry rant under their breath or on their way out of the room.
Either way, when you confront them about what they said, they will immediately gaslight you. They didn't say what you think you heard, want to know if that's what you really think of them, and how you're a bad person for ever thinking they would say something so cruel.
7. Talking behind your back
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A covert narcissist will talk to anyone and everyone about the problem they have with someone, except that person. And talking behind your back is another of the passive-aggressive ways a covert narcissist will try to manipulate you.
They could take the direct route, saying, "I feel like you didn't hear me at all, ignored what I wanted, and planned your dream vacation, not mine," but feel that's too confrontational. Instead, they tell everyone they know that you asked where they wanted to go on vacation, then ignored it, and booked what you wanted to do instead.
8. Deliberately procrastinating
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A covert narcissist uses this passive-aggressive technique when they don't want to do something. Maybe they don't want to paint the bedroom, take their car in for an oil change, or schedule a doctor's appointment.
They will deliberately procrastinate to make it clear they don't want to do it, sometimes hoping you'll do it for them, sometimes hoping you'll forget about it altogether, and sometimes hoping you'll get so tired of asking or reminding that you'll drop it.
Unfortunately, a 2024 study revealed that procrastination was "positively associated with both narcissistic grandiosity and narcissistic vulnerability."
9. Being late on purpose
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A covert narcissist will be late for things they don't want to do. Perhaps they agreed to meet you for a date, attend a party, or even pick you up from the airport. No matter what they've committed to, they purposely show up late or sometimes not at all. Their lateness makes it clear they don't want to do it, and likely put blame on you for it either way.
"Narcissists treat time like a transaction, not a precious commodity gifted to us for a limited season. They show up when it benefits them, show out when it looks good, slow down when there's nothing in it for them, show up when no one is watching, and move slowly when urgency would give you peace, make you feel heard, or positively impact your quality of life without them," author Tiffany Grandstaff Nichols explained.
10. Utilizing weaponized incompetence
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Weaponized incompetence is "when someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, thereby leading others to take on more work." And it's yet another of the passive-aggressive ways a covert narcissist will try to manipulate you.
They will intentionally do a task poorly to avoid being asked to do it again, and to punish you for asking in the first place. Whether it's breaking a glass while doing dishes or shrinking your favorite sweater while washing clothes, they will claim it was an accident or unavoidable to escape accountability, and make you look like the bad guy for raising the issue.
11. Sabotaging you
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As a way to maintain perceived control and superiority, a covert narcissist will subtly sabotage you for hurting, disappointing, or angering them, often with you being none the wiser. They will unplug your alarm so you're late for work, hide your keys when you need to leave, or not deliver important messages left on the machine.
As a result, you become more stressed and more frustrated as your life gets harder and harder, all without realizing they are deliberately sabotaging you.
12. Quitting abruptly
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This is the classic "I'm going to take my ball and go home" approach. A covert narcissist is upset about something, but rather than communicate that directly, they will quit what they're doing and leave in a huff.
You're left wondering what happened. Others are curious, too, and expect you to have the answer. When you don't, they assume you're somehow to blame. This gives the covert narcissist even more supply.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding aftereffects of loving a narcissist.
