If Your Husband Uses These 11 Phrases, You're Married To A Passive-Aggressive Man
Kitreel / Shutterstock Outright anger is fairly easy to identify, but passive-aggressive behavior can be a little more subtle. Although those who engage in it think it has no consequences, it can actually do everything from causing them to lose relationships to experiencing elevated blood pressure, according to clinical counselor Loriann Oberlin. And, as any victim of passive-aggressive behavior knows, it can be incredibly hurtful. It’s not always easy to determine if someone is being passive-aggressive, especially if you want to think the best of them, but there are some common phrases husbands will let slip that clue you into the fact that you’re married to a passive-aggressive man.
If you’re noticing a lack of support from your husband and feel like you’re picking up on some concerning behavior, he may be passive-aggressive. Instead of lifting you up, he’ll make you feel like everything is your fault and like nothing you do is good enough.
If your husband uses these 11 phrases, you’re married to a passive-aggressive man
1. ‘Do whatever you want’
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According to a 2022 study published in Behavioral Sciences, most people understand that aggressive behavior is not acceptable in our society. However, some people feel overlooked and turn to passive-aggression to address it. So, a man who acts passive-aggressive, even in his marriage, might just be looking for the attention he’s craving. That doesn’t give him the right to act out, though.
In a marriage, decisions should be made jointly. Saying “do whatever you want” puts all of the responsibility back on the other person. A husband needs to be willing to take on some responsibility himself to show his wife the support she needs. If he doesn’t do that, you’ll end up feeling lonely and lost.
2. ‘Don’t worry about me’
“Don’t worry about me” sounds innocent enough and like it’s just someone letting you know they’re OK, but it’s pretty loaded if you look under the surface. The Mayo Clinic noted that a passive-aggressive person “might appear to agree," but they are really expressing anger or resentment. If your husband tells you not to worry about him, if you don’t dig much deeper, it just seems like he’s good to go with whatever the plan is. Underneath that facade, he’s harboring resentment and trying to send you a message.
Sarcastic quips like this mean that something is seriously bothering your husband and he’s trying to make it everyone else’s problem without saying so outright. You absolutely should worry, because something is wrong.
3. ‘I’m fine’
This might be the most classic passive-aggressive phrase ever used. If your husband said it, he’s definitely not fine, and he’s trying to get your attention so you will know. Of course, this is just another form of sarcasm, which health and wellness writer Zawn Villines said is a big part of the passive-aggressive playbook. She added that this kind of behavior is bad for relationships and communication, which is part of why it’s so damaging in a marriage.
Instead of just telling you what’s wrong, your husband is choosing to turn the problem into a twisted guessing game. A person being passive-aggressive doesn’t automatically mean a marriage with them can’t work, but it does make it tricky. Your husband is acting petty and immature instead of actually talking through problems, which doesn’t help anyone.
4. ‘It’s not important’
When you hear something passive-aggressive come out of your husband’s mouth, like him telling you that something is not important when it obviously is, it can be tempting to try to “one-up” him. Clinical psychologist Ryan Howes said this is the wrong tactic to take as it can “create a bigger conflict.” So, if your husband tells you that something isn’t important, it might be best to just let him sit with that for a while instead of launching into an over-the-top reaction you’ll regret later.
Being told “it’s not important” is difficult because there’s no bigger red flag that something is, in fact, very important. But don’t stoop to your husband’s level and become passive-aggressive yourself. Communication will only deteriorate more quickly if you do that.
5. ‘I was only joking’
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Few things are as hurtful as your husband saying something offensive and then brushing it off by saying he was just joking. You know that he knows what he did by saying that, but he’s not willing to take any blame for it. In this case, therapist John Tsilimparis said it might be time to call your husband out on his behavior. This goes beyond some immature sarcasm or avoidance. He’s really causing pain.
Really, saying something that causes pain and then refusing to take any responsibility for it is a form of manipulation. Your husband is toying with your feelings, which is completely unfair. As Tsilimpairs said, it’s best to address the issue head-on so it doesn’t create a bigger problem, and resentment doesn’t fester.
6. ‘I don’t want to talk about it’
Another common tactic of passive-aggressive husbands is refusing to talk about the actual problem. Marriage and relationships writer Sheri Stritof explained that you have to talk about the problems in a marriage, no matter how difficult it is, though. If you just avoid it, you’ll end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells and like you can’t be yourself. That’s no way to live, especially with the person who is supposed to know you best and be closest to you.
You can’t force your husband to talk about something, but you can encourage it. Show him that you’re there to discuss it whenever he’s ready. And, if he’s never ready to do so, it might be time to consider your options. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that better communication is connected to higher relationship satisfaction, so a lack of open communication just isn’t going to work in any marriage.
7. ‘I guess I can’t do anything right’
A passive-aggressive husband might argue that he can’t do anything right. Whether he actually feels that way and is genuinely defensive or is just saying that to prove a point is another matter entirely. This could be an example of avoidance or weaponized incompetence, which health and wellness writer Nancy Lovering pointed out are signs of passive-aggression.
Although this kind of behavior is upsetting, Lovering said one way to deal with it is to consider what your husband is experiencing that is causing him to act this way. Maybe he’s dealing with anxiety or a lack of self-esteem and truly does believe on some level that he can’t do anything right. Taking the time to try to understand where he’s coming from can be really beneficial.
8. ‘You’re too sensitive’
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According to psychologist Dr. Ashley Olivine, one common trait of passive-aggressive behavior is criticism. And, of course, there are few things as critical as your husband telling you that you’re being too sensitive. It’s almost certain that he knows you are, in fact, not too sensitive, and he is just saying that to avoid dealing with your emotions, which are completely valid. This is gaslighting and manipulation. No one should have to question what they know to be true.
If your husband tells you that you’re too sensitive, it sounds like he’s really the one who’s being overly sensitive, as he’s unable to handle whatever you’re feeling and going through. You may feel like this is the time to start a fight, but that’s likely what he wants. Don’t play right into his game and rise above it instead.
9. ‘Why would I be mad?’
Licensed social worker Signe Whitson said, “One of the greatest dangers that passive-aggression poses to a relationship is how the targeted person becomes emotionally flooded and worn down before they even realize that passive-aggressive dynamics are in play.” Your passive-aggressive husband may insist he’s not mad, and in the process, make you angry, which is likely his goal. He wants you to look like the mad, irrational, emotional one in the relationship when that’s really who he is.
Don’t let your passive-aggressive husband get the best of you, because that’s exactly what he wants. If you keep a calm, level head, you’ll beat him at his own game. Show him that he doesn’t have the power and control he thinks he does, and instead take it back for yourself.
10. ‘If that’s what makes you happy’
This is one phrase that seems like it could potentially be kind at first glance. After all, doesn’t it mean your husband wants you to do whatever makes you happy? In reality, if your husband says this, he likely means that he’s bowing out of making any decisions with you and letting you handle it alone. You can just do what makes you happy, without any input from him at all.
A 2011 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology concluded that people who had to make decisions in a rushed state usually regretted those decisions later. By saying this, your husband is trying to force you to make a decision as quickly as possible and move on to something else. Don’t let his passive-aggression lead to regrets later.
11. ‘That’s not my fault’
Psychotherapist F. Diane Barth shared that refusing to take responsibility for your own actions means you lose your power and control in a situation. Passive-aggressive husbands probably think they have every situation perfectly under control, but when they refuse to see something as their own fault, they’re actually giving up their control. And, of course, it’s essential to take accountability for what you’ve done, especially when it involves a relationship with someone else.
If your husband claims something isn’t his fault, it kind of makes you wonder … whose fault is it? If he says it’s not his own, he may be trying to imply the fault is actually yours. Not only is he refusing to take responsibility, but he’s also passing the blame onto someone else. This is not the sign of a loving husband.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
