Wives Who Feel Taken For Granted Often Start Using These 11 Defensive Phrases
Wives soon start pulling away when they feel their efforts aren't being appreciated.
New Africa | Shutterstock Every marriage tends to go through a period of time when things might feel a bit off. You can't necessarily put your finger on it, but you start to notice that either you or your spouse are giving a bit more than the other person. While it's normal to lean on your spouse if your energy is depleted, it'll even out eventually. But for some wives, the imbalance in their marriage goes from something temporary to the everyday norm. Suddenly, they're the ones juggling everything, from household responsibilities, taking care of the kids, and being the emotional safety net for their husbands, all while getting nothing in return.
That neglect has a way of eating at even the healthiest, loving marriages. When effort is continuing to go unnoticed, it isn't long before something shifts within women where they no longer feel hopeful, nor do they even want to try to make things better. Eventually, they'll just start choosing their words more carefully, and wives who feel taken for granted often start using certain defensive phrases, all to protect their own energy. Most of the time, their spouses don't even know what's going on. They hear their wives' words, but they don't actually understand what they are trying to say.
Wives who feel taken for granted often start using these 11 defensive phrases
1. 'It's fine, I'll do it myself'
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Wives who feel taken for granted often start using this defensive phrase because it's not really about independence, but more about defeat. She's frustrated and disappointed that her husband hasn't stepped up to the plate and is instead leaving it all to fall on her shoulders. It comes after she's asked for help multiple times, day after day, and yet, her husband still hasn't gotten the memo that she's tired of having to do it al herself.
Women tend to be the ones in their marriage who are responsible for keeping the household together when it comes to chores and other responsibilities, organizing schedules, maintaining order, and even providing emotional support for their kids. The uneven mental workload balance means so many women are feeling a poor sense for their well-being and lower levels of satisfaction in their marriages.
She's subtly telling her husband that he isn't seeing all of the things she's doing for him, the house they live in, and the life they have together. She's not trying to be distant, she's just trying to avoid the annoyance that comes from asking for effort that isn't being met.
2. 'Don't worry about me'
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It's not that she's trying to reassure her husband about her well-being, she's simply attempting to hide how she's feeling inside. She's exhausted from constantly having to ask for the things she needs and it falls on deaf ears.
This phrase usually comes after an extended amount of time where she's been giving and giving, only to get absolutely nothing in return. She's carrying so much by herself when a marriage should be about being able to lean on your partner.
She doesn't want to, nor should she, have to start some kind of argument or conflict just to be appreciated. It should come when she asks for it because of how much her spouse should want to support her.
3. 'I've stopped getting my hopes up'
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She's been disappointed so many times, whether it's promises forgotten or needs being overlooked, and somewhere along the line, she's learned that she can't really expect much. That's heartbreaking in itself because, in marriage, you should be able to depend on the other person to be there when you can't.
Whether you're looking for emotional support or something less heavy, like them booking that appointment that you kept forgetting to do yourself. But when a wife has noticed these patterns of inconsistency that end up falling back on her to complete, she's quickly learned that asking for help doesn't always mean she's going to get it. Instead, since she's able to handle all of these things herself, her spouse just assumes she's good on her own.
4. 'I'm just tired'
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There's absolutely no way to beat around the bush about it. It's the kind of tired where no amount of sleep can fix it and no amount of coffee being consumed during the day can alleviate the pressure she's feeling on her shoulders and deep in her bones. She's tired of always being the one who notices what needs to get done and not being able to lean on her husband for any kind of support.
According to a 2024 study, women are generally more tired than men anyway. Researchers found that they were rated higher when it came to levels of fatigue by about 1.3 points, while men had their fatigue overestimated by 0.9 points.
Wives are tired of being the one to remember to book appointments, having to put together a grocery list every single week and shop, having to plan all of the vacations and family holidays, and just being the wife who keeps everything around her husband moving smoothly. She's also just tired of having to constantly explain why she's tired in the first place.
5. 'I'm just trying to keep everyone happy'
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At the beginning, she may have wanted to make life smooth for every person that she loves. But after having to juggle multiple roles, somewhere along the line she realized that she's actually put her own needs on the back-burner. As such, wives who feel taken for granted often start using the defensive phrase of "I'm just trying to keep everyone happy."
In her marriage, she doesn't want to feel as if she's losing herself just to appease the person she loves. Being taken for granted is not a good feeling, especially when a wife never expected to feel like in a marriage with someone that should be uplifting her.
Being the person that's managing more than she cares to admit means she's not feeling like herself at all. Attempting to make everyone's life easier, including her husband, has left her feeling empty inside and, at that point, who is taking care of her happiness?
6. 'I'm just over it'
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It's not that she doesn't care anymore, she's just spent so long being the only one who cares that it's starting to take it's toll on her. She's finally run out of energy to keep trying, and these four words are proof that she's closing the door on feeling worn down too many times. She may have tried to remedy this feeling in the past by trying to have a conversation with her husband, hoping that some change would come.
"The best way to prevent a partner from going AWOL or what I call 'over the hump,' is to pay attention. Once your partner reaches a saturation point it may be impossible to save your relationship — no matter how many counselors you see," marriage and family therapist Stephen J. Betchen insisted.
When that change inevitably doesn't come, she's reached the point of no return. It's not that she doesn't want things to get better but she's just lost all faith that it ever will. Instead of arguing and begging, she just completely shuts down. While husbands may think this is the best solution, it actually means nothing is being remedied.
7. 'I've stopped trying to explain'
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She's not giving up on the relationship, but she's emotionally exhausted from being misunderstood and not valued. Saying that she's "stopped trying to explain" comes from a place of having way too many conversations with her spouse and then it going absolutely nowhere once they're finished. It's from too many moments of her opening up and coming to the conclusion that her feeling are just being dismissed.
"Living in a relationship in which a person's needs are less and less fulfilled while the other partner denies the dismissal is a continuous heartbreak. Yet, many stay committed to the relationship even as they experience that process. As the dismissals accrue, they become more afraid to challenge the situation, fearing they will push their partner farther away. It is a no-win situation," explained clinical psychologist Randi Gunther.
Her deciding to stop explaining and having these moments with her spouse are because she cares way too much about herself to continually be in these situations where she's being minimized or even put down altogether. The silence on her end might feel like peace, but it's not. There's no anger either, just acceptance from a wife that's sick of being taken for granted for and is, for once, trying to put her own well-being first.
8. 'I've stopped waiting for you to notice'
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She's been putting in the effort for her marriage for quite some time now, and she's sick and tired of it going both unnoticed and unappreciated. After too many attempts of her trying to get her spouse to care, she's realized that it's a battle that isn't worth fighting anymore.
Once she starts to feel like her efforts are invisible and her care is being taken for granted, she stops expecting the validation that she should be getting. It's self-preservation when the person you love and hoped would be there for you through thick and thin suddenly pulls back out of nowhere.
She's not trying to hurt her partner, but wives who feel taken for granted often start using these defensive phrases, hoping that by pointing out how tired she is of waiting, he'll suddenly wake up and realize that if he doesn't step up to the plate, he might lose her for good.
9. 'I just need some space'
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When things feel too heavy or draining, the need for some space and being alone comes at her full force. Most of the time, she isn't trying to push her spouse away at all, but instead she's just trying to protect her own sanity. Having to carry the weight and not given any support for it ends up taking a toll.
"Often, partners unconsciously fall into a pattern of taking each other for granted — most especially in a long-term relationship. Grand gestures may be explicitly appreciated, but the small acts of kindness that hold your marriage together may go unacknowledged," psychologist Mark Travers acknowledged.
It gets to the point where she just needs to take a step back before she completely loses it and says something that she'll most likely regret. Her telling her husband that she needs some space is not about completely shutting the door on him but about finally putting herself first. Because if she continues to neglect herself, the resentment for her partner will increase.
10. 'I'm just going through the motions'
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While it come across as laziness or just being detached, what she's really trying to say is that she's just too exhausted at this point. She's still showing up in her marriage and doing what she needs to do to keep everything afloat, but her energy is not in it at all. The enthusiasm that she once felt is now turning into a drag because there are no rewards or appreciation.
Being repeatedly overlooked has left her in this space where she can no longer keep pouring her energy into something that's one-sided. She's burnt out — there's no way around the truth of it. No matter how much her spouse may ignore her needs and refuse to acknowledge the truth, it doesn't erase that she's slowly inching her way towards thinking her energy would be better placed somewhere else.
11. 'Forget it'
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After multiple conversations and maybe even a few counseling sessions, only to not see any results, she's fully given up. For her, it hurts more to keep fighting than just give up and let things continue to be the way they are, even though she still feels taken for granted.
In the past, she may have tried to express her feelings and needs, and instead of being met with understanding and empathy, it was silence or worse, completely dismissal of what she's asked for.
"Emotional invalidation upsets the power balance in a relationship and leads to uncertainty and self-reproach. You may think that to stay in the relationship, you must swallow any feelings that are not acceptable to your partner. Disregarding your feelings leads to disconnection from your authentic self," explained psychotherapist Amy Lewis Bear.
These experiences have taught her that it's better to just "forget it" than keeping trying to find a kind of solution. In her mind, there's no point in continuing to invest energy into something, or, in this case, someone, knowing that it'll never change or get better.
That kind of defeat is painful because she wants things to change and she wants her spouse to notice her and the effort that she's been putting in. But she can't force someone who doesn't want to at least try.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
