Men Who Only Stay Married For The Kids Usually Say These 11 Phrases Often
Kids are often far more intuitive than many parents want to believe.
Alfons Moles Juny / Shutterstock While staying together “for the kids” in a marriage can be healthy if partners are on the same page and willing to compromise for growth, according to mental health practitioner Sheila Robinson-Kiss, operating from a place of mutual resentment only sabotages everyone’s well-being. Not only does it sabotage a child’s ability to watch a healthy, model relationship flourish, but it can also affect every aspect of their lives, from future adult relationship well-being to academic achievement.
Even if people don’t think their kids notice the disconnection and passing jabs between partners in a “together for the kids” marriage, they’re more intuitive than they seem. Men who only stay married for the kids often say certain phrases that are not overlooked by the kids. In fact, they may even form the foundation of how they treat romantic relationships and partners in the future.
Men who only stay married for the kids usually say these 11 phrases often
1. ‘It’s not about me anymore’
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When venting to friends or talking to loved ones, men who only stay married for the kids usually say things like “It’s not just about me anymore” often. They frame all their decisions around their kids, believing that tolerating misbehavior and staying in an unhappy relationship is selfless, even if it puts their kids in harm’s way.
As a study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence explains, early family experiences and the well-being of their parents' relationship often influence the way their kids interact with the world and how they navigate intimate relationships in their own adult lives.
If they’re sticking around in a marriage that’s not meant for them, it’s a nuanced decision with a million things to consider, one of which is, is it worth it to maintain a relationship without romance for the sake of perceived stability for kids?
2. ‘We’re better co-parents than a couple’
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With the right communication habits and understandings, once-romantic couples can be great co-parents. Of course, it takes a lot of healthy boundaries and honesty to achieve, but it is possible. So, if you hear men who only stay married for the kids saying things like “we’re better co-parents than a couple,” he could be completely right.
It’s this balance of connection and healthy co-parenting that can reintroduce a lot of the warmth kids see in a romantic relationship back into their lives, according to a study published in the Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review. With the right intentions and consistency, the sensitivity and warmth kids need to thrive can still be apparent in a co-parenting situation.
Every relationship looks different, but it’s important to be intentional about the kind of energy you’re putting into your own romantic and co-parenting relationships as a parent. It’s about both your kids and you.
3. ‘It’s not that bad’
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Even if it’s overlooked in the grand scheme of their relationship struggles, men who minimize their own emotions and hardships in a relationship
Accepting negative emotions and situations as they are in the moment often helps to protect people from falling into a spiral of chronic negativity and frustration over time, according to a study published in the Behavior Research and Therapy journal. However, minimizing and suppressing them in those moments, as society often expects of toxically “stoic” men, only cultivates more resentment and turmoil.
4. ‘I don’t want to be a part-time dad’
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While women often experience tangible and financial struggles following the divorce process, men are more likely to suffer from the loss of vulnerability and emotional connection, at least according to a study published in the Demography journal. On top of the loss of romantic intimacy that they appreciate most in their relationships, they may also lose some of the identity associated with their role as a dad.
“I don’t want to be a part-time dad” is often one of the common phrases men who only stay married for the kids usually say. Their identity has likely become so entangled in the role of fatherhood that leaving a marriage isn’t just a loss of intimacy or emotional support, but also a big piece of their identity.
5. ‘We don’t fight in front of the kids’
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Even if you’re not actively fighting in front of the kids, the aftermath of those tensions and the hostility that still come across in nonverbal cues is apparent to kids. Of course, even refusing to fight around kids could be setting them up for failure, ensuring they miss out on the chance to practice healthy conflict resolution skills and active listening during confrontations.
It’s not the fighting that adds value to kids' lives and future relationships, but the repair they get to watch their parents engage in. It’s the apologies, the honesty, the listening, and emotional support that truly make a difference in their lives, not being devoid of these conversations and interactions altogether.
6. ‘I owe it to them to try’
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Many men who set their own feelings and relationship struggles aside for the “sake of” their kids' well-being feel an obligation to consistently minimize and dismiss their own struggles.
“I owe it to them to try” is one of the things these men lean on to justify their decision to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. Their commitment to their kids feels like a sheer obligation to suppress their needs, even when it’s truly a practice that stems from taking care of themselves and appreciating growth.
7. ‘I don’t want to be the bad guy’
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Our brains are often wired to seek out the bad — what’s “missing” from their relationships — in a marriage, even if it’s focusing on the little moments of joy and hope that help to rebuild trust. They focus on the bad parts of splitting up, like the way they’d be perceived by others, their partner, or their kids, even if it’s the joy and relief they’d feel that’s most important on the other side.
We can’t control how other people perceive us, especially in the aftermath of a life-changing event like a divorce, which can feel so severe in the moment. Kids will recover and gain perspective, time will heal, and in the end, it will be protecting and prioritizing yourself that serves in your best interests.
8. ‘We have a routine that works’
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Even if it means avoiding intentional quality time and overlooking issues for the sake of keeping the peace at home, if a man says something like “we have a routine that works,” chances are that’s his justification for staying.
Even if the romantic feelings are gone and the relationship isn’t working on a co-parenting level, he continues to feed into a routine that benefits nobody but the fleeting comfort of avoidance. It offers a bit of instant gratification and comfort, but in the end, it only leads to dissatisfaction and inner turmoil.
9. ‘It’s easier than starting over’
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Of course, relationships take work, especially long-term marriages with kids involved. It takes moments of discomfort, hard conversations, conflict resolution, and determination to work through rough patches and evolve alongside an ever-changing life. But if your marriage feels like a constant obligation, for months or years, without change, that could be a red flag.
If you’re not moving in the right direction, making change, or finding moments to connect and communicate with your parents, you’re not dealing with a rough patch, you’re stuck in it. Men who only stay married for the kids usually say things like “it’s easier than starting over,” even if they’re dealing with the same kind of uncertainty, discomfort, and resentment every single day.
10. ‘I’m just tired’
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Minimizing their feelings by saying they are physically fatigued is one of the things men do when using phrases like “I’m just tired.” They chalk up their emotional turmoil, resentment, or relationship disconnect to being tired, and while that’s certainly true, it doesn’t prompt them into any kind of positive change.
It doesn’t teach their kids how to manage exhaustion or to understand the link between physical fatigue and emotional distress. It certainly doesn’t offer them any kind of lesson on how to protect and prioritize their own peace or grapple with their own tensions.
11. ‘I don’t want to rock the boat right now’
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Even if occasionally avoiding confrontation is key to truly healthy conflict when the time is right, couples who are already sweeping issues under the rug and struggling to find space for healthy communication strategies only amplify their resentment with phrases like “I don’t want to rock the boat right now.”
Like many of the other strategies men who only stay married for the kids usually use, avoidance only adds to the struggles they’re facing. It sabotages their kids' ability to learn from healthy coping skills and often urges them to follow similar patterns in their own adult relationships.
Unless you’ve balanced co-parenting with a platonic relationship and learned to open up the relationship’s lessons to your kids, it’s not worth it to stay.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
