11 Things That Torture Narcissists But Don’t Really Bother The Rest Of Us At All
The tiniest things send them spiraling — and you probably do them all the time.
Anton Dios | Shutterstock While narcissistic people often craft an image of superiority and confidence to others, all of their manipulative behaviors and gaslighting tendencies revolve around an internal insecurity. They constantly deal with their internalized shame by putting others down, manipulating them to gain control, and shifting the story to make themselves the focus of everyone’s attention.
That’s why many of the things that torture narcissists, but don’t really bother the rest of us at all, seem so insignificant. Whether it’s a confident and poised woman or a boss who’s strong-willed enough to create a plan and follow through, narcissists are often offended by other people’s positive and emotionally intelligent traits.
Here are 11 things that torture narcissists but don’t really bother the rest of us at all:
1. Not being the center of attention
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Like a study from the Perspectives on Psychological Science journal suggests, narcissistic people are driven by the pursuit of status. Whether that means controlling others for validation, constantly seeking the spotlight, or being overconfident about lacking skills, they’re always trying to climb the social and professional ladder at the expense of others.
However, when their controlling and gaslighting tendencies fail and they’re not the center of attention, it can feel torturous. Their entire state of being revolves around superiority, so when they’re not able to control others into believing they’re the center of the universe, they take it out on the people around them.
2. Being ignored
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All of a narcissistic person’s toxic behaviors aim to make them the center of attention or the most important person in any room. For their manipulative tendencies to flourish, they need to be “needed” by everyone in their lives, or it’s hard to take advantage of others.
That’s why being ignored is one of the things that torments narcissists, but it doesn’t really bother the rest of us at all. In fact, most of the time when a narcissistic person feels “ignored,” it’s really just someone setting a boundary, protecting themselves in a healthy way, or enjoying their own life.
3. When someone sets boundaries
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Narcissists are often driven by their own need for control. They not only feel entitled to control others’ space, time, energy, and personal lives, but they are also more likely to lie, steal, and cheat to get it. From leading a workplace to forming a new friendship, they’re always going to prioritize their own success and desires above everything and everyone else.
When others set boundaries, it threatens that control. They don’t have the same access or freedom to exploit someone when they’re firm about establishing boundaries that limit their control. Of course, for the average person, boundaries can feel initially uncomfortable, but most recognize that they’re for the betterment of themselves and a relationship.
For a narcissist, they’re something to disrespect, cross, and break down.
4. Not being the smartest person in the room
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Even when they’re not, narcissistic people view themselves as the most intelligent person in any room. They believe that their insights, success, skills, and confidence are leaps and bounds better than anyone else’s, which feeds into their superiority complex.
Of course, their overconfidence is often a sign in itself that that’s not the case, but they still break other people down to assert their power.
When it becomes clear that other people know more than they do and that their overconfidence isn’t being taken as fact, it’s torturous. They feel less in control and more demeaned, often in ways that seem more severe for a narcissistic person with a strong foundation of insecurity to handle internally.
5. Seeing other people happy
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Seeing other people happy in their own relationships or making positive growth on their own terms is incredibly offensive to narcissistic people. They want to be the center of everyone’s universe, not just to boost their ego, but to support their controlling tactics.
While they may leverage their own favoritism tactics and social comparisons to make people feel special, it’s almost always for their own benefit. Their relationships are inherently transactional — nothing is ever unconditional or out of the kindness of their hearts.
That’s why it’s not surprising that seeing people happy on their own is one of the things that torments narcissists, but doesn’t really bother the rest of us at all. They understand that if they aren’t an intrinsic part of another person’s happiness, they can’t use the fear of losing it as a way to control them.
6. Watching others succeed
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Narcissistic envy is rooted in their intrinsic insecurity. No matter how charming or seemingly confident they are on the outside, narcissists are incredibly insecure about themselves on the inside — constantly trying to cope by bringing other people down and feigning a kind of misguided control.
That’s why other people achieving their goals and reveling in their own success are some of the things that torture narcissists but don’t really bother the rest of us at all. They hate when someone else is in the spotlight and feel resentful that they’re not achieving the same kinds of things, especially considering they believe they’re “deserving” of it all.
7. Being around emotionally intelligent people
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For the majority of people, being around emotionally intelligent people makes them better people themselves. Whether it’s getting great advice, having a safe place to be vulnerable, or having productive conversations with people willing to take accountability, emotional intelligence tends to boost our well-being in most forms, according to a 2024 study.
However, the dark side of emotional intelligence involves narcissists — people who understand and manipulate their emotions to exploit others. But when they are with a secure or emotionally intelligent person, it becomes much harder for them to weaponize insecurities and manipulate, because their red flags are recognized almost immediately.
So, of course, another person’s security and stability are some of the things that torture narcissists, but don’t really bother the rest of us at all.
8. Being forgotten
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While the average person may understand that being forgotten or having someone miss plans is a natural part of life, narcissists take it incredibly personally. Their general sense of misguided well-being revolves around being noticed or needed, so when they’re easily forgotten, it offensively hits their ego.
According to a study from the Frontiers in Psychiatry journal, narcissists often switch quickly between grandiose and arrogant forms to more insecure and dependent ones.
When they receive attention, validation, or feel needed by those around them, they are uplifted and willing to offer conditional empathy. However, when they are forgotten or do not feel appreciated to the high standards they set for others, they tend to be exploitative and manipulative.
9. Calm, confident people
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When someone brings a calm coolness to a conversation or challenges others with a kind of humility that’s obviously unshakeable, that can bring peace to the people around them. They appreciate the confidence they see radiating from them, often feeling more secure and safe in their presence and willing to express themselves authentically, like a study from the Frontiers in Psychology suggests.
However, when narcissists are around people capable of standing their ground, sticking up for themselves, and challenging opinions they don’t agree with, that can pose a threat.
Not only are they unable to manipulate this person into believing the narrative about themselves that they’re pushing, but they’re also less likely to get away with taking advantage of others in their presence.
10. Being told ‘no’
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Whether it’s making plans with friends or talking with a boss, the average person is relatively comfortable accepting “no” as a complete response. Things happen, people have their own priorities, and not everyone can meet every need all the time.
However, narcissists tend to believe the opposite — they want everyone to be 100% available for them all the time, and if they’re not, they’re going to make people feel guilty for putting themselves first. That’s why narcissists hardly ever accept “no” as a full response. They guilt people into spending time with them or putting their own needs to the side, even at the expense of their relationship or another person’s well-being.
11. Being told what to do
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While narcissistic people do tend to be more successful in high-paying roles and industries, largely because of their charisma and charm, they also struggle with being told what to do. They know how to play the game and sometimes assert their own dominance over others, but when it comes to accepting feedback and advice, they’re tortured.
They believe they're inherently more special than everyone else, so it’s not surprising that being told what to do by someone they perceive as inferior to them is torture for narcissists that hardly ever bothers the average person.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
