The Art Of Setting Boundaries: 2 Simple Habits Of People Who Protect Their Peace
Protecting your peace involves two powerful habits that makes enforcing boundaries feel effortless.
Parker Coffman | Unsplash The most peaceful people you encounter are incredibly intentional and have mastered the ability to create space for what matters, and to firmly close the door on what doesn't.
Learning to protect your peace is about understanding that the people who truly value you will respect the lines you draw. What follows are the everyday habits of people who have figured this out.
Here are two simple habits of people who protect their peace:
1. They set healthy boundaries
By establishing clear limits, individuals create a sense of safety and control by keeping the brain's stress center from being on high alert, and prevent emotional exhaustion from chronic boundary violations. One study concluded that this practice is an essential component of self-care, leading to greater confidence, resilience, and overall mental well-being.
To stop conflict before it starts, try using this five-step method to set up healthy boundaries:
- Validate
If your loved one expresses a desire or emotion that you find challenging, remember they're probably feeling very vulnerable in that moment. They might be asking for or sharing something scary for them.
Show understanding by saying affirming things such as: "I understand…" or "I've felt similarly before." It's important to validate their feelings even when you don’t agree with them. The key is to let them know you understand their perspective.
- Appreciate
One of the most powerful ways you can ensure your relationship thrives is to express appreciation for your partner. It’s a good habit to appreciate five times more than you criticize. And this is especially true when you need to assert a boundary with a loved one.
By expressing genuine appreciation, you help your loved one to feel less threatened or defensive. And you shift your outlook in a more positive and constructive direction.
When you want to assert a boundary with someone you love, be sure to tell them how much you appreciate their desire to share with you. By bringing their feelings and desires to you, they are trying to connect with you.
- Assert
Can assertion really be a tool for intimacy? Yes, if you can learn how to assert yourself without needing to control or convince others that you’re right.
A lot of us associate the word “no” with feelings of rejection and abandonment. But when you say “no” with your heart open, it allows you to say "yes" to something else.
You'd probably rather avoid conflict. But if "settling" becomes a habit and conflict avoidance becomes chronic, it will dull your senses and can lead to addictions such as overeating, smoking, drinking, etc.
It can also lead to depression as you internalize your anger and frustration instead of learning how to assert your desires and feelings positively.
If you can assert your boundaries from a place of empathy for both yourself and your loved one, your partner won’t feel shut down and may feel emboldened to assert what’s important to them.
- Redirect
Once you have asserted yourself, don’t stop there! Take the lead and suggest something you'll both enjoy.
This is shifting your “no” to one thing to a “yes” to something else. This is your opportunity to express your desires. Do this without guilt, shame, or buried resentments to manipulate them into doing this.
An effective way to enlist a partner is to bring your joy to your loved one. If you make it about how much you would love to share this with them, they're more likely to be attracted to your suggestion. Of course, they have every right to say they don’t like your idea either.
- Invite
Too often, when the suggestions proposed do not appeal to either person, there's a temptation to assume the situation is unresolvable. You've been taught to think in polarized terms. You might assume that “if you don’t like my idea and I don’t like your idea, there's no common ground.” Nothing could be further from the truth!
This is the place where partnership really kicks in! This is when both people can join together to co-create a third possibility. How do you find what would work for both of you?
Discovering that can be a lot of fun, but it can also be triggering if you've grown up believing that life is a win/lose proposition. Although a lot of us have that conditioning, this is a critical moment to unlearn that belief and replace it with something more life-affirming.
Partnership means co-creating a better solution than either of you could have created on your own. If you feel yourself digging in to insist that your way is best, ask yourself — what’s the price you’ll pay for being right?
2. They take a timeout when things get heavy
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Of course, there will always be times when your best efforts at communication and connection break down. For those times, it's essential that you have an agreed-upon format to keep things from escalating in the wrong direction. Taking timeouts is a tool that can save you and your loved ones a lot of suffering.
First, let’s address two of the most common mistakes people make when taking a timeout. Not many people actually know how to take a timeout that works.
A timeout does not mean walking away without saying a word, disappearing for an indeterminate amount of time, and then reappearing without saying a word. Not surprisingly, most people experience these behaviors as a way of controlling the conversation.
Stepping away from a problem gives your brain a chance to wander and make new connections, which can lead to creative breakthroughs. According to an American Psychological Association article, a break can help you return with a fresh perspective.
While leaving before you say or do something destructive is preferable to staying in the conversation until you lose your cool, it does nothing to preserve or repair the connection. Another mistake is taking timeouts and then failing to follow up on the topic you took a timeout on.
Needless to say, this version of timeouts, although popular, does not work to build trust or intimacy. Instead, it fosters ever-increasing levels of frustration and distrust.
A timeout has very specific stages to it, and if you omit even one of those, your partner will probably develop contempt for your “timeouts,” likely leading to even more conflict and emotional disconnect in the long run.
Veronica Monet ACS, CAM, is a relationship and intimacy coach who aims to help her clients improve their relationships.
