11 Things People Do That Seem Deeply Caring But Are Actually About Control
Controlling people often hide their manipulation behind acts that appear kind.
syedfahadghazanfar / Shutterstock Deeply caring people provide support, make kind gestures, and positively influence the lives of others. Controlling people can use these tactics as ways to seek authority over another person’s life without them noticing. Using care as a guise of control can leave lasting damage. The trust and self-esteem of the other person are at risk.
There are things to look out for when trying to discern if someone is being genuine or controlling. If they use caring gestures to gain power in a relationship, they are using them as a form of control. “What is typically at issue is whose needs are being taken care of or denied, who is or is not being considerate, who does or does not have freedom or autonomy, and whether they view these factors as situational or stable,” says Dr. Hal Shorey. “In other words, who has the power in the relationship?”
These are 11 things people do that seem deeply caring but are actually about control
1. They check in constantly
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Whether it’s a friend asking another to let them know when they get home, or partners sharing locations on their phones, some acts of checking in can be well-meaning. There is a point where these actions cross the line from caring to control.
Controlling check-ins with a significant other or loved one often come from a place of insecurity and the need for control. Healthy communication includes conversations that strengthen relationships, while controlling people need to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with for selfish reasons. They are often insecure or suffer from an anxious attachment style. Seeking constant reassurance that they are not being deceived about the other’s whereabouts is a symptom of control, not care.
2. They micromanage
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Having someone who is concerned about the quality of another's work and actions can feel caring. It may seem like that person is looking out for their best interest, but in reality, they are looking to control.
Micromanagement can come from a boss, a partner, or a parent. This can look like over-criticizing actions, showing anger when they are not happy with what is being produced, or providing step-by-step ways to improve their abilities by their standards. By taking away an individual's ability to act and think independently, they are seeking to provide themselves with a fix for their lack of trust and insecurity.
3. They use love bombing techniques
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Sweet words and compliments can make anyone swoon. It feels good to hear words of affirmation from the people in your life. However, there are instances where compliments become love bombing, which leads to control. Love bombing often shows up in romantic relationships. These can be overly affectionate actions from a significant other that are used for manipulation.
What’s the difference between kindness and love bombing? “If someone pays you attention and is generally present during the first date, that generally signals interest, but then there’s also someone who pays you interest in such a way that you’re consumed by it,” says Dr. Chitra Raghavan, professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
4. They provide unwanted advice
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Advice from a loved one can be comforting. It shows that they care and want to help you through things that may be troubling you. However, if someone is constantly giving unwanted advice, it can be a form of control.
Weighing in with advice that was not asked for shows that the person is looking to take dominance over the other and the situation at hand. Thinking that only they can provide them with the necessary tactics to solve problems comes from a place of control and the need to be an authority figure.
5. They overly worry about others' well-being
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Occasionally worrying about the well-being of someone you care deeply for is no cause for concern, and is to be expected when they are going through a difficult situation. If someone is overly worried about a person in their life, it may be a sign that they are trying to control them.
Those looking for control can be overly worried and anxious. They are hoping to find a way to control the uncontrollable, and someone else's well-being can be something they may feel they have no authority over. They may also try to convince them that they know what’s best for them and should have a say over their decisions.
6. They insist on joining in every activity
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Having someone to spend time with is special, but when a significant other or new friend insists on being involved in every aspect of someone’s life, they may be trying to take control. Eventually, they may look to isolate them from the things and people they think they’d be better without.
"Controlling people may find ways to cut you off from friends and family," psychoanalyst Dr. Catherine Hormats, LP, MA, GPCC, told Parade. "Sometimes, you are not aware that this is even happening. They may criticize people in your life, judge your relationships, and threaten to leave you if you don’t take distance from the people in your life."
7. They play the victim
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One way to control people is to make them feel guilty for their actions, whether it's deserved or not. If you find that you’re often too apologetic, it may not be a symptom of caring, but rather the other person seeking control by playing the victim.
Playing the victim is a classic symptom of control. Often, the person seeking command is doing the harm, while blaming the other person, and as a result, gaining sympathy. Communication is healthy in a relationship, but if the person you’re speaking with is constantly hurt and asking you to apologize, they may be playing the victim as an attempt to gain control of your emotions.
8. They display jealousy
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When someone cares about another, they may want as much of their time as they can get. Subtle jealousy may occur, but in a controlling relationship, jealousy is at the center.
Whether it’s a close friend or a romantic partner, jealousy can cause strain in a relationship. Controlling people may act in an overly jealous manner as an attempt to isolate them from others. They gain authority over the person’s social life by convincing them that others are a threat to their relationship.
9. They act overly helpful
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Providing help is a kind gesture, but controlling individuals take it to another level. By taking over tasks to look helpful, they can control the situation.
Volunteering to take on another's tasks or aid in daily jobs is a tactic to be in control of the end result. Assisting others can come from a good place, but controlling people will use this act of kindness as a way to take hold of situations.
10. They influence daily life
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Influence is a powerful force. Some have been able to make influencing their career! However, having the influence of one person consuming your habits is a form of control.
Maybe they think someone uses their phone too much, so that person lowers their screentime, or possibly they find what they wear embarrassing and encourage them to find a new wardrobe. Using their influence to control can help them morph that person into a new version of themselves that fits their mold.
11. They are detail-oriented to a fault
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Planning every date from beginning to end, or providing a person with a detailed list of books to read or movies and shows to watch, can be a sweet form of affection. Controlling every detail of someone's life is a different story.
Those seeking authority often seek to know every detail to maintain control over situations they have no say in. Conversely, they may use the same tactic to provide others with detailed lists, effectively controlling what others do and when. Creating and knowing all details keeps that person in control.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
