5 Behaviors Of Women Who Become More Confident And Assertive As They Age, According To Psychology
Women like this grow unapologetically more themselves with every passing year.
Jacqui Leigh | Unsplash Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my partner, and I am dreading it. I'm sitting here thinking about what I'm going to say and what I think he is going to say in response, and how he might hate me and maybe even break up with me by the end of the conversation.
As a result, I'm questioning whether I should bring the topic up at all or simply let the issue go, no matter how unhappy I am about it. If you've been in this position, you've probably also wondered how to be more assertive and stand up for yourself in your relationships.
You may even have been told you should stop being a "people pleaser" but found yourself too scared to do what it takes to ask for and get what you truly need, even from the person you love more than anything in the world.
The life coach in me knows that while my hesitations and fears come from a valid place, there are also many confident and assertive behaviors that I can embrace that will allow me and the man I love to have a successful conversation that ends with us both feeling happier in the end.
Here are five behaviors of women who become more confident and assertive as they age:
1. They let go of assumptions
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As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like, I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my partner to what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, and some involve tears.
The worst scenarios are what I am most focused on — the things that I fear the most, like that he might hate me or break up with me — and they're all that I can think about. almost more even than the content of the talk. I just don’t know what will happen, and it worries me.
But I know that I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have no idea how he will react, and spending even one minute trying to guess what he might say or do is a complete waste of time and emotional energy.
I have to let my expectations and fears go and accept that whatever happens will happen. I can't control the outcome by thinking about it ahead of time.
2. They choose the right time and place for hard conversations
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When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them, I always chose to do so in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.
I've found it effective to have difficult conversations with someone when we're side-by-side instead of face-to-face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement.
The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way. I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my partner is coming over for dog therapy, pizza, and football — his top three favorite things in this world. He will be happy, and then we will begin. Softly.
By choosing a good time and place to talk, I am setting myself up to be more confident in what I want because I know I will be more comfortable in the situation and more able to speak my truth.
Confident, assertive women are more likely to consciously and unconsciously weigh information, trust their inner compass, and strategically choose the time and place that supports their desired outcomes. A 2023 study explained that while it might not always be the perfect choice, their inherent confidence empowers them to take ownership of their decisions and learn from them as they navigate life's challenges.
3. They avoid going on the attack
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My goal in this conversation is to have a difficult talk in an effective way that lands on its mark, allowing me to be assertive and have a satisfactory end result. To do this, it’s important not to attack.
My partner is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will tell him that I have a feeling that he is struggling and that I would like to support him in any way I can.
What I will not say is, “Why are you doing these stupid things over and over?” I can guarantee that the only thing that would do is shut him down and cause him to leave.
By talking about how you feel vs. how the person you love behaves, you can be clearer in your discussion, as the only accurate perspective you can ever have is your own. This also prevents a quarrel, because he can’t push back against your feelings in the same way he could push back against accusations.
So talk about how you feel, not about the things he does. It will be way more effective, I promise.
4. They practice active, reflective listening
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This is so important. You need to be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person with whom you are talking.
Not only could you get some valuable information, but by letting them know you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome you seek, namely, sticking up for yourself successfully.
Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult, but it works. After they speak say, “I hear you saying ... and I get it.” Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with.
Often, all people want to be is heard, and not feeling so makes them angry and leads them to shut down or storm off. And if your person gets angry and storms off, you will way more likely to capitulate and not speak up for yourself. Again.
Research has found a strong link between confidence in women and their proficiency in active reflective listening. This proficiency contributes to stronger interpersonal relationships, improved communication, and more effective leadership, enabling confident women to navigate various contexts with empathy, understanding, and influence.
5. They trust that tricky moments will pass
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I know this conversation tonight with my partner seems like it might be the end of the world, but really, no matter what, it’s all going to be okay.
I always tell my clients to consider this question: “What is the absolute worst thing that could happen?”
So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short or long-term negative effects, but really, everyone is going to be okay.
You will be especially okay if you speak up for what you want and need. Imagine how that would feel, knowing that you have been heard, as opposed to how it would feel, walking away feeling like you let yourself down again.
I am nervous about standing up for myself and being more assertive in tonight’s conversation. The topic is a difficult one, but the conversation is necessary.
Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes, I have my list of things I want to address and am going to do so carefully and with love.
And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that everything is going to be okay. If I can speak up for myself and be more assertive, ultimately, I will be happier. We will still love each other, and life will go on.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
