If A Woman Is Thinking Of Leaving Her Relationship, She'll Usually Do These 12 Things First
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock While a study from the European Journal of Population suggests that there's a multitude of reasons for an inevitable breakup, from closeness in a shared home to financial incompatibility, the real confusion about the end of a relationship stems from the gray area right before actually ending things. Who makes the first move? How do you express your feelings without hurting your partner's? Is it possible to pull away and make things easier for everyone?
For women, there are certain behaviors that become a bit more obvious when it's clear that the relationship isn't working out. From spending time out of the house to excluding her partner from everything, if a woman is thinking of leaving her relationship, she'll usually do these things first. And once a partner notices them, they're incredibly telling.
If a woman is thinking of leaving her relationship, she'll usually do these 12 things first
1. She stops complaining or asking questions
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When one or both partners are checked out, subconsciously separated from the other, casual communication, curiosity, and even complaints have been dulled by constant silence and small talk. Typically, partners who are unhappy in a relationship will express their discontent before they're ready to actually end things.
But in this case, when a woman is truly thinking about leaving, they stop probing, asking questions, or complaining about their relational struggles. They feel completely unheard from past conversations with their partner and, as such, don't feel the need to have any important discussions.
Unfortunately, because feeling unheard is a communication promise that lies at the core of healthy relationships, according to a study published in PLOS One, over time they no longer care to beg for attention or concern.
2. She no longer updates her partner on her life, plans, or goals
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Communication is essential in relationships and is the cornerstone of trust. Without it, a partnership can begin to fall apart, with neither partner feeling heard or appreciated. And, unfortunately, if a woman is thinking of leaving her relationship, she'll usually stop updating her partner on anything going on in her life, present and future.
For many partners immersed in the stress of work or a family, daily life can be easily overlooked. And if a woman doesn't update her partner on her life, she probably doesn't care to.
We share the things we're excited about with the people we love; it's only human nature to yearn for connection, community, and shared experiences. When partners actively forgo sharing their accomplishments with one another or keep exciting goals to themselves, it's probably because they don't see their partner in their future.
3. She doesn't return missed calls
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If a woman isn't returning her partner's missed calls consistently, there's a good chance it's because she ignored them in the first place. Of course, a healthy relationship consists of effective daily communication, but when that begins to subside, it indicates that there's something wrong, and she may be checking out.
Healthy partners who are committed to each other show up and relay a similar communication to one another, even if they're going through a rough patch. Partners who are uncommitted and confused about their relationship fitness do the opposite — they retreat, self-isolate, or simply refuse to communicate in an effort to create distance, whether they're aware of it or not.
4. She stops hanging out with her partner's friends and family
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According to social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato, a partner's family opinions on their spouse are incredibly important for shaping not only their future family get-togethers, but the health of their personal relationship.
If a woman stops investing time into seeing and communicating with them, there's a good chance she no longer cares about protecting that bond, painting herself in a good light, or wasting her own energy trying to appease her partner. They likely aren't doing this from a malicious perspective, but rather a self-preserving one to protect their own space.
Women that actively distance themselves from their partner's inner circle aren't interested in promoting a healthy balance of connection and community — and that should say enough.
5. There's a surprisingly new lack of intimacy
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There are a million reasons why a woman might not want to be physically intimate, from her health, to her emotional well-being and, yes, even her interest in her partner. Of course, a period of time without it isn't always indicative of the end of a relationship, but for partners, it might be a great time to get introspective.
When it comes to emotional expressivity and general relationship satisfaction, women tend to view their own intimacy in their couples' negativity, while for men, it's more positive. In these same couples, women value supportiveness most in their partners, while men consider nonverbal affection and verbal affirmations most important.
6. She changes her spending habits
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Experts, like the authors of a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, argue that "financial infidelity" is just as harmful to relationships as cheating or romantic infidelity. When a woman starts to shift, hide, or misguide their partner about their spending habits, they're sabotaging the trust both partners have built in the relationship or marriage.
Others suggest that women who shift their spending behaviors in subtle preparation to break up might stop investing money into a shared space or splurging on self-care, and instead start saving money to start a new chapter in their lives.
7. She wants free time away from her partner
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According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Deborah Krevalin, a partner who is falling out of love and ready to end their relationship is spending a great deal of time in their head. They're not just thinking about their own emotional shift, but preparing themselves for a breakup that requires communication and honesty.
Being around their partner, that may or may not have contributed to their loss of feelings, can spark uncomfortability, meaning they're likely spending more time alone or with friends. Unfortunately, if a woman is thinking of leaving her relationship, she'll usually do these things first, trying to spend time away from her partner.
She'll stop inviting her partner to the grocery store, spending time with them in the evenings, or planning dates. While it may not be clear at first that she's beginning to question whether this relationship is something she wants, it's important that her partner either communicates and grows back into a healthy place, or ends things.
8. She doesn't do chores or favors anymore
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Acts of service, which is one of the "five love languages" defined by Dr. Gary Chapman, is a daily commitment to a partner and a way to express love for them — even if it's something as simple as doing the dishes or folding their laundry. Especially in traditional cisgender relationships, where the woman tends to adopt responsibility for the majority of household chores, a shift in these norms can be a sign that a relationship is changing.
Actions speak louder than words. If a woman stops doing nonchalant chores or forgoes practical acts of service like making their partner coffee in the morning or cleaning up the kitchen, it could be a sign that her needs are changing, or could even be an indicator that she's thinking about leaving their relationship.
9. She doesn't make her partner feel like themselves
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A partner that's no longer meant for you or invested in you is not going to make you feel good or healthy. According to psychology coach Diane E. Dreher, one partner might even feel emotionally and physically drained around a toxic person, who could be a spouse.
When resentment is brewing, a wife's needs aren't met, or she isn't happy or fulfilled in the relationship, it's going to shift her energy — and her partner is going to feel it. It's an unhealthy dynamic that could potentially be solved by ending the relationship regardless, because nobody deserves to be put down by their own partner.
10. She seems annoyed
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Energetic shifts in your baseline with your partner can tell you a lot about your relationship. Do you feel comfortable around them? Could you share an intense emotion with them and feel emotionally supported? Do you feel drained? Are you being painted as a burden in your own home or relationship?
If a woman is thinking of leaving her relationship, she'll usually seem annoyed at everything, especially her partner's actions. In fact, women who are emotionally detached from their relationships aren't always going to be good at hiding it, and sometimes, they might not actively be hiding anything.
Annoyance is a side effect of resentment, which is an unfortunate emotion that grows subtly and subconsciously behind connections for months (and even years) without showing itself. That is, until a woman begins to act a certain way that's unusual for her.
11. She stops posting couples photos online
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A report by New York Times Customer Insight Group, titled "The Psychology of Sharing," argued that we share posts online to nourish the connections, community, and relationships in our lives. While 73% of social media users share to meet people with similar interests online, nearly 78% post to communicate and share news with people in their lives they don't see frequently.
If a woman stops taking and sharing photos of herself and her partner, this might be her way of setting the stage to meet somebody new. However, it could also be a subtle way to remind the people in her life that her partner isn't her priority and she isn't excited to talk about them.
12. She excludes her partner from conversations
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As explained in research published in PLOS One, feeling heard in a relationship is fundamental to cultivating a healthy dynamic where both partners feel understood, supported, and loved. Unfortunately, when a woman excludes her partner from conversations and doesn't provide a space for them to share their emotions or express concerns, she's sacrificing their mental health and relationship health.
Feeling excluded in a relationship is usually a result of emotional distance, but that doesn't make it acceptable. It's a sign that not only is this partner being disrespected, but that they aren't being prioritized either. And if it can't be remedied, it's probably time to consider if the relationship is worth saving, because for the woman in this situation, she's already made up her mind.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
