8 Subtle Behaviors That Cause Coldness And Resentment In A Relationship, According To Expert
It's not always the big fights that hurt love.
Logan Weaver | Unsplash Have you ever been so wronged, in large ways or small, over such a long period of time (eons, perhaps) that you could taste the bitterness with every subsequent injustice? The situations that trigger resentment could be prior interactions with loved ones, or unfortunate circumstances lingering from your past. The pain of resentment is personal — the rain may inconvenience you, and yet you don’t resent the rain because rain isn’t personal.
Bottom line is that you, in your heart of hearts, know absolutely that you have been treated unfairly and deserve much, much better than people and situations are offering you. Life is just not fair. Other people are so high and mighty. So not fair. Welcome, my friend, to the disenchanted land of resentment. Circumstances and interactions tend to linger from the past and barge their way into your life today.
We all have emotional baggage in the attic (because, you know, that emotional baggage is meaningful to us), and what could be a minor annoyance or inconvenience builds on and adds to your history of resentments. Injustices experienced in the past keep reappearing and adding to the suffering you experience today. It’s enough to make one resentful, and it’s certainly not fun.
Here are 8 subtle behaviors that cause coldness and resentment in a relationship:
1. Using finite words like 'always' and 'never'
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Instead: Carefully listen to yourself whenever you’re inclined to use the words “always” and “never.”
Both are quicksand — say either and you place yourself in your history, from which there are limited means of escape. “It’s always the same.” “He’ll never change.”
Research has found that instead of feeling accountable for a specific action, the accused partner feels they are being judged as a fundamentally flawed person. This leaves them feeling attacked, and rejected, making it impossible to respond constructively.
2. Saying things like 'should' and 'shouldn't'
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Instead: Carefully listen to yourself whenever you’re inclined to use the words “should” and “shouldn’t.”
Both words are also quicksand, and whenever you use either, you’re digging yourself deeper into an absolute sand trap. “Things should be different.” “She shouldn’t have done that.”
“Always” and “never” are two sides of a single coin. “Should” and “shouldn’t” form a coin with similar construction. All four faces represent hopelessness.
There’s no need to play the role of helpless victim when you might otherwise pick yourself up and carry on in the direction you choose for your life.
3. Ignoring your personal 'triggers' that set you off
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Instead: Identify your personal triggers, those personal interactions, and circumstances that “engage and enrage” you.
Many of us hold our strongest resentments against family members, and mothers tend to suffer the brunt of that. Growing up, you remember, your mom just wasn’t there for you in the way that you needed.
Sure, she fed you and clothed you, attended countless parent-teacher conferences, and remembered your birthday. And yet, in your opinion, she failed you as a mother — threw away your blankie when you were a toddler, prevented your teenage-and-so-grown-up self from going out with your friends, and imposed rules and restrictions.
Something similar can happen with your child, siblings, or anyone close to you whose affection or approval you seek. You, as the parent, know in your heart of hearts that everything you did, you did with your child’s best interests at heart. And your sacrifices went unnoticed and unappreciated.
Same with siblings. From the earliest you can remember, they always took what you said or did the wrong way, no matter how hard you tried.
4. Reacting without thinking
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Instead: Notice that your hot buttons are being pushed, and take a minute or two to acknowledge your automatic reaction.
It will be fast. It will be furious. It may momentarily blindside you. And it will offer only an inappropriate response to your immediate circumstance.
This reactive cycle replaces thoughtful, mindful communication with defensiveness and withdrawal. A 2023 study suggested that couples can reverse this pattern by developing skills to manage their emotional responses and practice mindful communication.
5. Seeing yourself as a victim in every circumstance
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Instead: Recognize that you have agency.
You’re not the victim here, and you have the choice of responding to the small injustice facing you right now or railing against a long history of small, cumulative injustices. You could throw today’s injustice onto the heap of your historical injustices, and your heap will continue to grow.
Alternatively, you could confirm for yourself that you are uninjured, realize that the extent of the hurt was unintentional, or see that the pain you experienced was the result of a misunderstanding (yours or theirs). There are fruitful explanations that lead away from resentment. Find yourself another path that doesn’t add to your misery.
6. Letting go when you should be forgiving or solving problems
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Instead: Distinguish between “letting it go” and forgiveness.
Letting it go involves deciding that you won’t fling today’s injustice onto your heap of injustices. You might think with resignation, “It’s always going to be this way. Better to just get along.”
Or “That person is a jerk. When will I ever learn not to expect better?” In some real sense, letting it go is a means of postponing future resentments.
Forgiving yourself and those you resent involves understanding that we’re all simply human. We misunderstand ourselves and each other more than we realize. Sometimes we unknowingly contribute to the circumstances we resent.
For instance, when your finances are shaky and yet you remain unwilling to take a good, hard look and establish a budget. Sometimes we set others up so that we can continue to interact with them in the same awful, cyclical manner.
7. Focusing on the negative
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Instead: Express a little gratitude and be kind. Your life is so much greater than your resentments are petty.
Appreciate your abilities and powers as a grown human being. You are capable. You are masterful. Look to yourself for validation, not others. Put aside any feeling of entitlement and any expectation that life will be fair because, truthfully, none of us is entitled to anything and life isn’t always fair.
Those with low self-esteem may project their insecurities onto their partner, leading to a constant need for validation that can be draining for their partner. Dr. John Gottman's research identified criticism as one of the things that predicts divorce with alarming accuracy.
8. Letting resentment bloom
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Instead: Choose forgiveness and a happy life.
Resentment is the poison we intend to damage others with while we’re simply choosing to drink it ourselves.
Few of us intend to be jerks — whether to ourselves or others — or to be the cause of resentment — toward ourselves or others. In the background, resentment can bloom like algae fed by fertilizer runoff.
Recognizing an absence of malice and forgiving the humanness of us all is the means of unchaining yourself from the injustices you’ve experienced and treasured up until this point. Welcome, my friend, to the enchanted land of forgiveness.
Susan Kulakowski, MBA, MS, is a writer who has been actively pursuing personal and professional development since 2017. Her focus is on making personal development courses available for minors and their families.
