11 Things Smart Women Pretend Not To Notice In Their Relationships
There are little things you just have to let go for the good of the relationship.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock It's important to be fully aware of what's going on in your relationship. That being said, there are some things smart women pretend not to notice in their relationships, preferring instead to ignore minor issues. Little things that truly are little in the grand scheme of a relationship aren't going to make or break you, and smart women know that calling them out isn't worth it.
Licensed clinical psychologist Janet Brito pointed out, "In every relationship, there's a chance your partner will do something you don't like — and vice versa. Sometimes, to make things work, you may need to let these small things go... It's okay to let things go in a relationship, as long as you're clear on the things that you won't tolerate."
Here are 11 things smart women pretend not to notice in their relationships
1. Little white lies
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Let's make one thing clear: lying to your partner is not okay. However, if a woman notices that her partner is telling really small ones — maybe saying they were home sooner than they actually were or not admitting that a friend that always causes trouble was at the gathering — there's a good possibility that she'll just pretend not to notice it.
This will keep the peace and keep the relationship from unraveling. Smart women will want to do this. Unfortunately, there is a price to pay, even for the smallest of untruths. We've all been in a situation where we've felt forced to tell someone that their outfit looks great, but even this has consequences.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jason Whiting revealed that Mary Kaplar created the Lying in Amorous Relationship Scale (LIARS), which determines people's feelings about lying. Kaplar thought that lying to "avoid conflict" would be okay and not have any negative effects. "However, she was surprised to find that even nice lies hurt relationship satisfaction," Whiting said. "This is because lies cause distance."
So, smart women are likely to let it slide when their partner stretches the truth a bit. To them, it's better to forgo the potential conflict and hurt feelings. But this may negatively impact the relationship, putting more distance between the partners, meaning it may not be the best option in the long run. But smart women want to avoid conflict, and they'll do whatever it takes to make it happen.
2. Being the breadwinner
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One of the things smart women pretend not to notice in their relationships is when they are the breadwinner and make more money than their partner. Obviously, we're in the 21st century now, and a woman making more money is not a big deal. However, some people still hold antiquated beliefs about who should be the so-called breadwinner in a relationship.
Many believe it has to be men because that's just the way things have been for years. This stereotyping may cause women to feel like it's just normal for their male partner to be the breadwinner, but that's not always possible, especially nowadays when lucrative jobs are available to everyone.
So, smart women will pretend not to notice. They won't let outdated traditions make them think something is wrong with them being the breadwinner, and they won't let their partner's ego get in the way. They'll simply accept reality for what it is and move on. No one needs to feel bad or insecure if a woman is a breadwinner, and smart women know that. They aren't worried by such petty matters and instead just let it slide.
Pew Research Center reported that 16% of marriages in the United States have the wife as the breadwinner. In 29% of those marriages, the man and woman make roughly the same amount of money, meaning there is no real breadwinner. Women being breadwinners is becoming more and more common, and while some men may struggle with this concept, women know it's nothing to worry about. They don't dwell on the fact that their partner makes less than they do.
3. Commitment issues
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The idea of commitment issues has practically become a cliche by now, and something that gets included in every romantic comedy, but it really does show up in real life. A woman might be ready to take the next step in the relationship, whatever that may be, while her partner is reluctant to become more serious. While this can be frustrating, many women will overlook it to keep the relationship alive.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jennifer Litner explained that commitment issues can look like your partner not wanting to make plans, keeping their emotions closed off or leaving you on read. "If someone experienced trauma in a past relationship or went through a difficult breakup, this can lead to commitment issues in the future," she said. "Other factors can stem from the childhood experiences in upbringing and family history. These influences can shape one's attachment style."
In some cases, having commitment issues is totally understandable. There may be real, deep traumas in someone's past that hold them back from going all in on a relationship. But there's also a chance someone simply doesn't want to commit. To keep the status quo, a smart woman might just pretend she doesn't notice this and instead allow the relationship to stay casual so she doesn't make her partner uncomfortable.
4. Poor communication
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Some women may choose to overlook their partner's poor communication skills for the good of the relationship. Maybe they neglect to tell them where they'll be and what their plans are, or maybe they just don't know how to talk through issues that are threatening the relationship. Whatever the case may be, poor communication is frustrating, but certainly not impossible to pretend not to notice.
While it's easy to ignore it, communication is one of the keys to a healthy relationship. Psychology educator Kendra Cherry said, "Communication is vital for healthy relationships. Being able to talk openly and honestly with the people in your life allows you to share, learn, respond and forge lasting bonds. This is a vital part of any relationship, including those with friends and family, but it can be particularly important in romantic relationships."
Choosing to pretend not to notice poor communication in your relationship or on your partner's behalf may seem like the right thing to do to keep the relationship alive. Unfortunately, communication is so important to a relationship that it can seriously stunt its growth. Women who put up with poor communication are keeping their relationships going, but at a cost. How long can a relationship with poor communication really last?
5. Not fully listening
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Everyone knows that active listening is important for any relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic. Some people are better listeners than others, though. If a woman finds that her partner isn't really listening, but isn't causing any harm by doing so, the smart thing to do might be to try to put up with it and just pretend it's not an issue.
Confronting her partner about the issue will only create conflict and probably lead to defensiveness on the partner's end. There's a good chance it won't be a productive conversation because of this.
The importance of listening in a relationship is similar to that of communication. Thought leader Diana Raab stated, "The importance of listening in interpersonal relationships cannot be overemphasized. One study conducted by Faye Doell showed that there are two different types of listening: 'listening to understand' and 'listening to respond.' Those who 'listen to understand' have greater satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships than others. While people may think they might be listening to understand, what they're really doing is waiting to respond."
Listening deeply and actively actually increases how happy one is in their relationship. So, technically, it pays off to listen well. But smart women know this is something that many people struggle with, and they don't hold that against them, even if it's their partners. Instead, they make sure their partner is listening enough to get the important things down and then give them a pass on everything else.
6. Minor mistreatment
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Mistreatment has to be monitored closely. For example, abuse is never acceptable, and major problems shouldn't be overlooked. But if their partner has a tendency to be a bit controlling or aggressive without really causing any harm, a smart woman may overlook it for the good of the relationship.
Addressing it could very likely mean the end of the relationship, so if a woman doesn't want that to happen, she'll pretend not to notice that her partner can become slightly disrespectful at times. Of course, it's up to every woman to determine what she can and should tolerate.
Disrespect can cause a host of problems for a relationship on both sides. Mental health expert Barbara Field noted that the partner who is being disrespected can feel like their self-esteem is taking a hit or even become resentful. On the other hand, the disrespectful partner can feel like it's okay to continue escalating their behavior. That's not a good situation for anyone involved, so it should be watched closely.
However, if a woman wants her relationship to work, there's a good chance that she'll let minor mistreatment, like occasional disrespect or controlling behavior, go. This is something smart women do so they can keep their relationship intact and stay in that comfortable state of what they know. Whether it's wrong or right is up to her.
7. Preferring to spend time with their friends
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Some people will be in a relationship, but you'd never really know it based on who they're spending their time with. Instead of getting quality time with their partner, they choose to hang out with their friends, just like they did before the relationship. They may even exclude their partner from social situations, putting their time with their friends over their relationship.
But when she finds herself in this situation, it's one of the things smart women pretend not to notice in their relationships. She may seriously love and care about this person, so it isn't worth it to her to cause a big fight over them spending time with their friends, even if it means limited time with her. Instead, she just puts up with it.
Life and relationship coach Marcelina Hardy dealt with this very issue — why would a husband choose to spend time with his friends instead of his wife? The reasons included rejecting intimacy, trying to control spending, not letting your husband have a voice and not giving your husband enough attention. All of these things may lead him to believe his time is better spent with friends. Trying to remedy these issues may fix the problem altogether.
8. Trying to help but failing
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On a more wholesome note, some women may find that their partners do everything they can to help and support them, but sometimes miss the mark. Instead of viewing these attempts as failures and calling out their partner, a smart woman will just appreciate the thought and move forward. There's no need to call a partner out for not helping in the right way or not succeeding in doing so, especially if they really tried.
Couple and family psychologist Greg Matos said that one of the most important ways to put forth effort in a relationship is to share responsibilities for initiating emotional connection rituals, like giving a goodbye kiss before walking out the door. Another important thing to do is to show up consistently and be reliable. As long as a partner is doing these things, they are truly putting in the effort and trying, even if it doesn't always go the way they hoped it would.
There's really no need to call your partner out if they're doing their best and genuinely trying. Instead, a smart woman knows that it's better to just accept the effort that was given and be grateful for it. Life doesn't have to be perfect for you to be happy, and relationships are a part of life that don't have to be perfect.
9. Drinking too much
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Some people have a problem with alcohol and drink a little too much (or maybe more than just a little). If a smart woman notices that her partner is one of those people, she will likely choose to pretend she's not noticing it at all. This takes away the need for her to call out her partner and try to stage some kind of intervention. It also means she doesn't have to acknowledge the problem and accept how bad it really may be.
Experts from the National Institute on Aging recommend talking to someone who drinks too much when they're sober to help them understand how serious of a problem drinking has become for them. They also suggested trying to get them involved in activities that don't involve alcohol and helping them attend support group meetings.
When you love someone, you want them to get help. However, it can also be easier to try to gloss over the problem so that you don't have to face it. This means women may overlook their partner's drinking habits to avoid causing problems, and to avoid dealing with problems.
10. Minor flirting with someone else
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Maybe a woman is out at a restaurant with her partner and they think the server is cute, so they flirt a little. Or maybe they have a work spouse that they're a little too close to. As long as what they're doing isn't actual infidelity, a smart woman may choose to pretend to not notice that her partner is occasionally flirting with other people. Of course, if it was a major problem that was clearly noticeable, she'd have to do something, but she thinks harmless banter is nothing to concern herself with.
Licensed mental health counselor Kristin Davin wisely said, "Whether flirting is considered cheating in a relationship depends on how both people feel about flirting and what the intent of the flirting is. Flirting that crosses either person's relationship boundaries repeatedly can negatively affect the couple in many ways. However, flirting doesn't always equal cheating, so it is important to assess each situation individually."
While her partner flirting with someone else may make a woman mad, some people just have more flirty personalities. It may just be natural for them to be more coy with pretty much everyone. This doesn't mean it's something to end a relationship over. Instead, you have to assess your own boundaries. If what's happening doesn't cross them, a woman will probably ignore it.
11. Stress and anxiety
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Stress and anxiety can show up in a relationship in a lot of different ways, but it's one of the things smart women pretend not to notice in their relationships. A woman may find that her partner is harboring some stress and anxiety that they're trying not to share. On the other hand, the stress and anxiety may just be pervasive in the relationship and be affecting both of them.
Either way, a smart woman will pretend not to notice. If the stress is affecting the relationship and couple as a whole, she'll overlook it so it doesn't ruin everything. If her partner is the one feeling the stress, she won't bring it up but wait for them to come to her for support instead.
Licensed clinical social worker Jon Beaty explained, "Stressors experienced outside the relationship by one or both partners can cause distress in the relationship. High levels of stress from outside sources can interfere with a couple's ability to communicate effectively, connect emotionally and manage conflict in their relationship."
Beaty noted that one of the most important things to do is to work to identify your stressors so you can properly respond to them. From his perspective, it seems better to face stress and anxiety head-on. However, to keep their partners comfortable and maintain the status quo, some smart women will instead wait for them to bring the topic up or just ignore it until it gets to be too much.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
