9 Concrete Signs A Woman Is Trapped In A One-Sided Relationship
No matter how hard you try, you cantt make up for what someone else is lacking.
KrakenImages | Shutterstock When you enter a one-way street, you are alerted by arrows pointing you in the right direction. If you ignore them, you're likely to end up in an accident. It's much the same in a one-sided relationship, except it’s up to you to identify signs that aren't always clear. Then you can choose to stay or go.
Perhaps your partner doesn't offer the compassion and kindness you deserve. Maybe you’ve realized that your partner just needed a temporary "crib" before growing up and entering the real world. You must resist the temptation to help this person.
The late Frank Zizzo, Ph.D., a remarkable therapist in Los Angeles who worked with the LAPD on hostage negotiation, told me, “With someone like this, you will want to do more to generate reciprocity. Instead, do less.”
In other words, stop compensating for what your partner isn't giving. No matter how pretty, attractive, generous, fun, kind, and neat you are, you cannot make up for what they lack.
Here are nine signs a woman is trapped in a one-sided relationship:
1. She looks unhappy, and she rarely smiles
Have you had a friend who looks sad all the time until “he” smiles at her, and then she’s suddenly filled with joy and beaming at him? If this weren’t such a rare occurrence, you might feel happy for her.
Or perhaps you have a friend who is so secretive that when her husband is there, she’s all smiles and fawning, but the moment he leaves, she has a huge list of his failings.
2. She complains about her life
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She often says things like, “This is too much!" or "It always feels like one step forward and one step back with my boyfriend and my boss, too. They are both hopeless!"
If you’ve ever noticed how some of us have been programmed to have easier relationships with men or women, this is an example of the two men in her life being challenges for her. She doesn’t realize she allowed them into her life, and she is also allowing herself to stay in both her intimate relationship and her job, even though she is convinced they are her problem.
Maybe you’ve had a friend or even yourself who was so unhappy that it seemed everyone else was the problem. Then, suddenly, something improved, and these problems disappeared or became much less severe because our moods color all our experiences.
3. She's tried everything
She's had a therapist for years, studied meditation, and her partner went to couples therapy, too, but so far, nothing has worked. When she tells you this, you may believe she’s on the right track, but intention changes everything.
Is she committed to becoming happy and peaceful, or is she a “Lifelong Seeker” instead of a “Finder” of joy and love? If she is dabbling in transformation, she may be a complainer, desperate for an audience who will make endless sympathetic sounds without being able to help.
I have always loved transformational workshops and trainings. I attended them for thirty years and taught them for the last twenty-five because the more I learned, the more I wanted to learn, practice, and use to improve my life. However, so many "seekers" fall into these categories:
- They don’t believe they deserve to be happy
- They suffer from extreme mood swings and don’t find proven alternatives to the medications they refuse to take.
4. She's getting angrier
She seems to be getting angrier and angrier, and every so often, she explodes. When “victim mentality” has been programmed for decades, often from childhood, you may see someone who truly believes she is right and her partner is wrong, yet she doesn’t see any possibility of a happy, loving partnership because she has never experienced one.
A client told me he divorced his wife because she was always bickering with him and sounded “just like her parents”. How tempted I was to say, “Wait, you knew her parents did this and you hate any conflict, and you still married her?” But we’ve all made mistakes, unaware of the fantasy that someone will meet our needs even if they’ve never done it.
Children identify more with one parent than another. The “angrier and angrier” adult almost always is copycatting a parent. While the easiest way to train a child to have effective behaviors is to model them, often, generations of families have been locked in trauma because no one has committed to breaking the cycle of suffering.
5. She suddenly bursts into tears
Often, when she starts crying, she doesn’t explain what has triggered it. She may even cry over things unrelated to her, but just as an “angrier and angrier” person is often copying a parent, so is someone who bursts into frequent and copious tears.
Another client asked me to help with an employee who frequently burst into tears and disrupted the workday. In the subtlest way, I pointed out that his wife, whom he adored, had the same habit, and he hadn’t realized what worked for him at home didn’t work in the office. We solved this when I offered the employee skills to calm down fast, beginning with brain-breathing.
6. She prays for an end
Every few weeks, she lightly entertains “dumping that jerk,” imagines life without her partner, or habitually repeats variations of complaining phrases.
These repeated phrases carefully focused her mind to enter a state almost like meditation. Some people can’t learn to be peaceful because they have never met someone who is naturally peaceful, or who has learned to find peace, whether through meditation or other tools.
7. She has mood swings
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Her work, family, and friendships may suffer because her emotions are out of control.
If you or anyone you care about has moods that cycle from fear to anger to grief, and back again, you have seen the suffering this causes. The person appears to be trapped by their emotions, and the misery is suffered by everyone who loves them.
One client was trapped in fear, afraid to travel, socialize, or go to the doctor, and her husband couldn’t stand it anymore. Within a few days, she shifted from anxiety into blaming him for her emotions, trapped as she was in a cycle of suffering.
8. Her opinion of her partner swings to extremes
One minute she praises her lover, the next she’s cursing their inability to be in love with her.
Perhaps one thinks a phone call every few days is enough, while the other expects daily calls and numerous texts to stay connected. This is often the cause of running hot and cold about someone.
Ask who is running hot and cold, is it you, or does your partner’s lack of consistent attention and connection demonstrate you are reacting to a lack of loving attention?"
9. She is stuck in victim mode
When she sees herself as a victim, she blames her lover for her pain instead of seeing that the problem is her connection to her partner.
How to end a one-sided relationship
If you discover that you are the only one making the relationship work and if you feel like a parent catering to a small child, then the one-way street sign is pointing you away from this partner.
- Do not give in to the desire to have a screaming, complaining fit
- Do not threaten to tell his friends and family what you think of this person.
- Do not waste time suffering and crying about what feels like a loss right now.
- Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to hope your phone will ring and you’ll receive a heartfelt apology.
Instead, accept that you are ready to heal, and soon, you will be ready to find a true partner. While you have expended some time, this lesson in what can’t work for you is a big wake-up call to do the following:
Look for One-way street signs much, much sooner the next time you feel attracted to someone.
Be sure to create a list of Pros and Cons or a shopping list of your perfect life partner with 50–100-line items, and never settle for a person you do not want because this world has 8 billion people from whom you can choose!
Susan Allan is a certified mediator and coach, and the founder of the Marriage Forum Inc., and creator of The 6 Part Conversation and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce training to help people understand their own needs and their partners.
