7 Small Behaviors That Show Your Partner's Trying To Fix Things And Wants Your Relationship To Work
They're showing up and putting in the effort.
Spencer Quast | Unsplash Thinking about throwing in the ol' relationship towel? I get it — that thing is often sweaty, dirty, and tired. Sometimes it just feels easier to give up and go your separate ways.
But before you give up on your relationship, be sure to exhaust all of your resources for saving your coupledom. Dr. Stephanie Weiland Knarr of The Relationship Repair Shop shares a few behaviors that reveal a partner is trying to fix things and keep your relationship from hitting the rocks.
Here are seven small behaviors that show your partner is trying to fix things and wants your relationship to work:
1. Taking your complaints seriously
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"Most marriages are on the rocks because one (or both) spouses have not resolved each other’s relationship complaints," says Dr. Knarr. She advises couples to visit the "Customer Service Counter" for their marriages and log complaints with each other, like a car in a repair shop.
Research indicates that this involves actively listening, empathy, open communication, and a willingness to work toward a solution together. Couples can navigate conflicts, strengthen bonds, and ultimately create a more resilient partnership.
2. Making an effort to change
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Dr. Knarr encourages couples to ring the alarm bell, which is necessary to allow each other to resolve their relationship complaints and allow each other to change any problematic behavior.
Research argues that ringing the alarm bell isn't about pointing the finger but about protecting the relationship from potential harm. Early and open communication paves the way for a more fulfilling relationship.
3. Letting you vent
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"Tell your partner what resolutions you need to see in order to stay in the relationship," says Dr. Knarr. Consider it your wish list or your needs list, but either way, be clear about what you need from your relationship and be prepared to listen to your partner's needs as well.
Research has found that empathetic listening helps by acknowledging your partner's emotional experience, communicating that their feelings are valid. Validation doesn't mean agreeing with every grievance, but acknowledging and accepting their emotions as justified within their context.
4. Making actions speak louder than words
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Get their attention with your behavior because some people do not react to words, explains Dr. Knarr. "For example, tell them you are going to take some space for the weekend or for a few days to give them time to think about your complaints and your resolutions," she suggests.
While the power of words are invaluable, research suggests that couples should prioritize making their actions speak louder than words to cultivate deeper trust, and strengthening emotional bonds. Actions provide concrete evidence of someone's intentions which further promotes reliability and trustworthiness.
5. Agreeing to therapy
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Get yourselves to a marriage counselor, pronto. "Even if your spouse won't go, it's a great idea for you to go alone to discuss possible changes that you can make to change the dynamics in your marriage," explains Dr. Knarr.
"I have coached people to make behavioral changes in their marriage that have ultimately led to better outcomes, even while meeting with me individually." Also, if a couple as chill as Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are vocal about hitting up the counselor's couch, we all should be so lucky.
6. Focusing on a resolution
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With all this talk about complaints, it's easy for couples to get trapped into thinking that complaining just to complain is productive. Instead, Dr. Knarr advises couples to log the complaint but focus on the outcome of the behavior they hope to see changed.
"I encourage people to keep the complaint brief — and to focus instead on asking for the desired resolution," she explains.
7. Treating your whining as an opportunity to do better
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Dr. Knarr is adamant that complaining, fighting, and whining can have a positive purpose in a marriage. "Whining has a positive side," Dr. Knarr explains.
"This may seem silly, but some of this stuff is a part of intimacy." She encourages her clients to use the 5:1 ratio suggested by renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman and to be sure to have 5 positive interactions with one's spouse (like a hug or a compliment) for every 1 negative one.
Relationship experts generally suggest prioritizing open communication, healthy boundaries, and working together rather than resorting to ultimatums. They do however, acknowledge that in situations that involve deal-breaker issues, where ultimatums can be a genuine last resort, can provide motivation for behavior change.
Chaunie Brusie is a Registered Nurse, writer, editor, and the author of the book, The Moments That Made You A Mother.
