People Who Are Secretly Miserable In Their Relationship Often Do These 11 Things
People who are secretly miserable in their relationship may put on a happy face, but there are big cracks under the surface.
bedya / Shutterstock I know a lot about being miserable in a relationship and pretending all is right on the home front. From the outside, the relationship looked perfectly fine, even like #goals for some. We smiled in pictures, went on cute little bae-cations, and posted sweet messages to one another. Sometimes, I didn't even know how miserable I was because I had accepted it as the norm.
When someone is secretly miserable in their relationship, it doesn't always show up as explosive arguments or over-the-top gestures. More often than not, the signs are subtle and invisible to outsiders. But people in these gloomy attachments may engage in specific behaviors that reveal how emotionally disconnected they really are. If these actions are happening on a regular basis, you might be miserable in your relationship and need to do something about it.
People who are secretly miserable in their relationship often do these 11 things
1. Spend more time alone than necessary
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Remember when you were in love and wanted to be around your person 24/7? Then you settled into the relationship, and understandably, these times became fewer and further between. But when a person is secretly miserable in their relationship, solo errands become marathons, and any excuse to leave the house and escape the presence of their partner is a good one.
People who are miserable often desperately crave space and time away from the source of their problems. They need to clear their mind, avoid tension, or be around people who make them feel good about themselves. That is a recipe for certain disaster. Instead of running from the issues, people who are romantically involved should have open and honest dialogue about the relationship to understand if it can be fixed or if they are just incompatible.
2. They avoid physical affection
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A lack of physical touch, whether it's hugs, kisses, handholding, or cuddling with your partner, can be a powerful indicator that one or both of you have emotionally withdrawn. Physical intimacy is vital to the success of a relationship. It makes the emotional bond stronger, enhances each partner's well-being, and fosters love, connection, and trust.
Human beings are meant to have physical affection, and without it, your romance will die on the vine. No one should go for months on end without affection from their partner. It's important to catch a lack of physical affection before it gets out of hand, because sometimes, the distance it creates is too difficult to overcome.
3. They don't talk about their partner anymore
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People in happy relationships bring up their partner casually in conversation. They always have them on their mind and can subconsciously connect everything to a thought about their love. But those who are miserable and trying to escape the confines of their sad situation avoid bringing their mate up at all costs. They don't want a reminder of what is waiting for them when they return home.
There are many reasons a person might start to leave their partner out of the conversation. There could be a shift in the relationship status or individual feelings, stemming from communication issues or deeper problems such as a loss of interest or conflicts that have gone unresolved. I'm super talkative when I'm in love with a man. If things aren't going well, I'm less likely to talk to or about them.
4. They start to over-identify with their single friends
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There is no reason to disconnect from your single friends just because you are now in a relationship, but you definitely have to create some boundaries. However, if a person starts to overly identify with their single friends, it's a sign that they could be quietly miserable in their relationship. They start to skip the couples' events in favor of singles nights or questionable activities that no one in a committed relationship should participate in.
People tend to long for what they don't have, especially if things are not going exactly as desired in their current situation. They begin to envy the freedom that their single friends have and idealize life without their partner. They might not openly admit it, but they secretly are miserable and want to know who else might be out there for them.
5. They escape reality
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A person who has grown deeply dissatisfied with their relationship finds ways to escape the reality that they are living in. They could dive into video games or obsess over fictional characters in search of a lift outside of what they are currently experiencing. They daydream about someone other than their partner sweeping them off their feet and rescuing them from the despair they are in.
People who are secretly miserable in their relationship don't only idolize fictional characters. They look to celebrity couples to show them what the relationship should be, not knowing that underneath the facade, they might face some of the same issues. Having emotional crushes on people you will never meet is a coping mechanism, not a resolution to your love woes.
6. They avoid deep conversations
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When you are no longer connected to your partner, you stop engaging in deep and meaningful conversations. You will talk about the weather, the dog, or work, but will not introduce a productive conversation about your emotions or needs. You no longer feel comfortable being vulnerable with them and start to look for other outlets to express your feelings.
Emotional affairs start because people have been neglected in their relationship, have communication breakdowns, unmet needs and desires, and feel unheard or misunderstood. Staying in a relationship that has run its course and is making you miserable can have a detrimental toll on everyone involved.
7. They roll their eyes
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A person who secretly cannot stand their partner eventually becomes filled with contempt. They cringe when their partner speaks or says something that annoys them. Their mate can't even breathe without their eyes almost rolling out of their head. Unaddressed misery in a relationship can cause each person to act out in unfavorable and dismissive ways.
Contempt, which manifests as disrespect and disgust toward a partner, is highly damaging and toxic to a relationship. If unchecked, it will destroy the connection in due time. Contempt is one of the top indicators that a relationship is likely to fail. It justifies the impending rejection, so you feel like discarding your partner is warranted when the time comes.
8. They overcompensate on social media
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I noticed that at the most trying times in my marriage, we both posted and interacted more on social media. Ironically, that was one of the things that eventually destroyed the relationship. Happy couples tend to post less on social media. Miserable couples post more because they are looking for the validation that they are not receiving from their mate.
When things are falling apart, an unhappy partner might try their best to present the image of a perfect relationship, but social media only serves to amplify the existing challenges in the situation. People can see right through the fake smiles and public "I love you" messages. They know that you are insecure, and when sharks smell blood in the water, they will attack.
9. They become hyper-focused on their own goals
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If you find yourself no longer caring about your partner's dreams and ambitions, you are probably in a perpetual state of misery in your relationship. Happy couples have a "we" mindset and consider the impact on their mate before taking particular actions or making important decisions. If you have started thinking from an "I" perspective, you have mentally and emotionally left the building, but your body is still there.
Shifting the focus from team-centered to one of self-preservation is a telltale sign that your love might not stand the test of time. When a person is miserable in their love life, they will invest more heavily in their personal life to make up for what they lack in their romantic life. Deep down, you see the writing on the wall and start to prepare yourself for the inevitable.
10. They dream about leaving, but never do
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I cannot tell you how many times I thought about what it would be like to leave my marriage, but didn't have the nerve to pull the trigger. My daydreams were usually negative, imagined a life of even more misery as I rebuilt and recovered. Most people who are living in utter dejection think about getting out but decide to stay because they know what they are getting and are afraid to step into the unknown.
They think about how amazing or how terrible life might be if they leave. But no matter how the scenarios play out in their head, they cannot bear to leave the toxic circumstances. It could be fear, guilt, or a sense of comfort that keeps an unhappy person tied to their partner.
11. They stop trying to fix anything
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You know your relationship is messed up when you just stop trying. You have given up on trying to talk it out, enlisting a third party to mediate, or bending over backward to accommodate. You stopped worrying about the outcome of the relationship, detached, and are willing to accept things as they come.
When misery sets in deeply, emotional apathy is not far behind. The urge to argue or problem-solve is replaced with a telling silence. Things have not suddenly gotten better. You have just checked out and decided that the relationship is no longer worth your time and effort.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
