The Art Of The Text: 10 Simple Habits Of People Who Turn Texting Into Chemistry, Not Confusion
How people who text with ease create spark, one message at a time.
MStudioImages | Canva When it comes to texting, there can be quite a bit of misinterpretation and miscommunication if not used correctly. Texting is a great way to stay connected to someone you are madly in love with, and a convenient tool to touch base with casual or new dating partners. However, texting is not and never will be a replacement for a heartfelt telephone conversation full of whispers and giggles.
A large part of communication is non-verbal. When texting, the other party cannot receive those fine nuances of communication, such as tone of voice, held back giggles, excited breathing, or body language that demonstrates anxiety, happiness, or growing irritation, which indicates maybe you should shut up. Texting, it seems, is here to stay, but there needs to be some rules in place.
Here are 10 simple habits of people who turn texting into chemistry, not confusion:
1. DO share updates or ask for simple instructions
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On your way, but missed your train? Texting to update your date on your revised arrival time is a considerate thing to do. On your way to the store, and can't remember what you are supposed to pick up for dinner at her place? Receiving a texted shopping list can be a life and relationship saver!
Had a great first date? Texting the day after to say, "Wow, I had a really great time with you!" is a low-key, no-pressure way to express appreciation for someone's time.
2. DON'T text while on a date
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You'd think everyone would know this already, but texting while in a face-to-face conversation is just as rude as blabbing away on a call. If you're on a date and you want to see that person again, don't sit there texting or scrolling the whole time, or part of the time, or even at all.
That includes your best friend trying to sneakily find out how things are going, the Masters of Electronically Transmitted Whining (the kids), or an angry ex who saw you and your date in the restaurant parking lot. Manners and courtesy must reign supreme.
Alessandra Conti & Cristina Pineda, both certified personal matchmakers, recommend that when you're face-to-face, be fully present. Your phone can wait until after the date is over, but the connection you're building with your date is happening right now.
3. DON'T replace real conversation with texts
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Texting is only for transmitting unimportant information or short and simple messages, not for an in-depth conversation. More than four texts in a row, and it's time to pick up the phone. And if you notice that you are having most of your relationships via texting, you need to move things along to the face-to-face level or just end it.
Like I said, the inherently impersonal nature of texting allows someone to "keep in touch" and keep fantasies of a relationship alive, but maintain emotional distance by never spending time with you. I've known guys to do a cut-and-paste type of thing and send the same text to a dozen women at almost the same time. It's a time-saving way to cast a wide net and see who will let him come over for intimacy.
4. DON'T send text after text
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Do not send text after text describing your every move, every conversation, or every thought. The fact that your coworker was late for the 10th time this month is of no importance to anyone but you. Get it? Unless what you are texting involves the recipient in some manner, and is very urgent (or at least a funny joke to break up our day), then don't send a text.
According to life coach Natasha Silver, this shows maturity and establishes healthy communication patterns early on. Keep texts clear and simple, saving storytelling, jokes, and detailed descriptions of your day for in-person time together.
5. DON'T send compromising photos
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Not only is such behavior classless, it's dangerous. And if the sender or receiver is a minor, it's also illegal. The long-term repercussions of this type of thing have always concerned me.
Also important to remember is that some folks don't do well with breakups, and their vindictiveness spews forth like an erupting volcano. Your photos or videos could end up anywhere on the Internet, in a magazine, movie, or in a photo composite with someone else's body doing something awful, with your face smiling back.
6. DON'T text if you've been drinking
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People will say and do things with firewater in their systems that they would never do if sober. What types of things have I heard? Intimate invitations to people known to have no interest, fights from months ago renewed with vigor due to unresolved anger, personal questions asked, and personal information volunteered in a straight bonehead move. Liquid courage does that to people/
Though alcohol doesn't put ideas into our heads, a little booze definitely relaxes the constraints we have in place on our mouths and, evidently, our fingers. So, if you've been to happy hour(s) or had a few martinis at home, do not send anyone a text. Your texting privileges are revoked until you are 100% sober.
Enneagram coach Julianne Ishler explains that while alcohol might make you more creative, the real problem is that you'll regret what you sent. Just because you say something creatively when buzzed doesn't mean the other person wants to hear it or that you won't later regret not keeping those thoughts to yourself.
7 DON'T expect instant gratification
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Do not get upset if you don't get a reply back within seconds of sending a text. People have full-time jobs, families, and things to do that involve their hands, including cooking, typing, and driving. They'll return your communication with a text or a phone call when they can. One should also remember that technology is great, but not perfect.
I've sent texts that didn't arrive at their destination for 45 minutes to several hours. I've also had the same problem with receiving transmissions sent to me by others.
8. DO be aware of your tone of voice and communication style
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It's difficult to discern the sender's tone in texts, just as it is in e-mail. What may be meant as humorous sarcasm, or viewed as a completely innocuous text by you, may be easily misinterpreted by the recipient of your text. Such miscommunications can cause hurt feelings and unnecessary tension. It can also require an unbelievable amount of apologizing and explaining to fix.
In some instances, it will cost you the relationship. Watch the shorthand and acronyms as well. Not everyone is up on the texting lingo, neway uno, and your text may leave someone scratching their head in confusion, sayn L8tr4u vs ROFLMAO.
According to holistic dating coaches Orna and Matthew Walters, miscommunication in texting can occur for multiple reasons, including lack of nonverbal cues, use of acronyms and punctuation, and technical features and problems. Skip the obscure texting shorthand that leaves people confused, and keep your tone clear and straightforward.
9. DON'T ask for dates through text
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Texting to set up a date is bogus! Have the courage to speak up and risk rejection like a big boy or girl. Yeah, I know you're a recent returnee to the dating scene, talking to someone you don't know well feels awkward, and asking for a date when you might hear no is scary.
But one of the top qualities singles seek is a confident partner who goes after what he or she wants. Confident, secure people have an air about them that is very alluring; passive, hesitant, insecure people do not.
10. DON'T break it off through text
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Use of any form of informal, emotionally disconnected electronic communication to dump someone is not only immature, it's just plain rude. If you opt to treat other people in such a way, don't be surprised when your text is put on blast and ends up on TikTok or Instagram. Be an adult, why don't cha, and tell people via phone (at least) that you two are not a match and you're moving on.
Deborrah Cooper is a dating coach, relationship expert, and personal trainer.
