Deeply Insecure People Almost Always Send These 11 Texts During Casual Conversations
If someone is insecure, it's going to show up in all of their communication, including their texts.
phM2019 / Shutterstock You know that feeling of just having a great casual conversation with a friend that doesn’t make you feel any type of pressure? Deeply insecure people can’t relate. They are prone to overthinking and anxiety, and they bring this energy to any conversations they have via text. They second-guess every message they send, and, perhaps even worse, every message they receive. They can’t believe that anyone would actually enjoy having a conversation with them, so they try to overcompensate with the texts they send.
Executive coach and workplace psychology expert Stefan Falk noted, “While feeling insecure is natural, problematic behaviors can develop when people consistently attempt to conceal or compensate for their self-doubt.” If someone feels the need to always overcompensate because they assume what they’re doing isn’t good enough, it can disrupt relationships. One of the places this is most prevalent is in communication, including text messages.
Deeply insecure people almost always send these 11 texts during casual conversations
1. ‘LOL’
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“LOL” may seem inconspicuous and like something everyone says, but make no mistake. Deeply insecure people are going to say it a lot when texting. If someone is worried they’ll be taken too seriously, they can add in a simple “LOL” to soften the blow. If they aren’t sure how the other person will take whatever they’re saying, they may say “LOL” to show it’s not really that deep. Or, it’s not that deep if the other person doesn’t want it to be.
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist, explained, “I’ve often seen how insecurities can manifest in relationships in multiple ways, either through a pattern of emotional distancing and reluctance to be vulnerable with another person or through a compulsive desire to prove oneself. Hidden insecurities often lead to a reluctance to communicate feelings or needs openly and can create a cycle of distance and misunderstandings.”
“LOL” is like a chameleon that can be used and interpreted in many different ways, making it the perfect message for a deeply insecure person to hide behind. Unfortunately, as Dr. Hafeez touched on, it can lead to misunderstandings. After all, if the person sending “LOL” doesn’t really know what it means, then how can the recipient? It’s a quick way to cause confusion and frustration, which will likely only lead to more insecurity.
2. ‘Is everything okay?’
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Someone who’s deeply insecure is probably going to be seeking validation from whoever they’re texting with. One way to do that is to ask if everything is okay. Sometimes this question may really be warranted because something really may be off. Other times, whatever seems off may just be perceived by the insecure person. If they feel like someone is tired of them or mad at them, they’ll naturally ask if all is well.
“This behavior often manifests as repeatedly asking for reassurance or fishing for compliments,” lifestyle reporter Wendy Rose Gould said. “Over time, it can strain relationships, as others feel pressured to provide endless encouragement or affirmation. While occasional validation is normal, relying on it excessively can indicate a lack of confidence in one’s own decisions, abilities, or self-worth.”
A deeply insecure person will feel the need to ask for that reassurance and validation because they don’t have the self-confidence to tell themselves that everything is alright. Instead, they’ll be forced to ask whoever they’re communicating with. This will lead to some “Is everything okay?” texts that may seem to come out of nowhere to the other person, but feel vital to the one who is dealing with insecurity.
3. ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
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By asking if there’s anything they can do for the other person, a deeply insecure person is keeping the focus off themselves. They are also showing just how eager to please they are. If someone is insecure, they’re likely to be the ultimate people-pleaser. They don’t prioritize themselves. Chances are, they don’t really even want to think about themselves because it just causes anxiety. Focusing on others is their superpower.
“Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance,” said psychosocial rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry, MSEd. “In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won’t like them if they don’t go above and beyond to make them happy.”
An insecure person will seek the validation and pat on the back that comes with being there for other people. So, when they’re texting someone, they’ll ask if there’s anything they can do to help that person. It’s important to them to feel like they’re being useful and doing all they possibly can to support others. This means asking if they can help in any way.
4. ‘Sorry for sending so many messages’
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A deeply insecure person may send a perfectly normal amount of text messages, but still feel concerned that they went overboard. They don’t want to be a bother, and they don’t want to do the opposite of people-pleasing, which is making life harder for others. They might feel like they’re monopolizing the conversation and being annoying, even if there's no real basis for their feelings. This would lead them to apologize.
Janice Holland, a licensed professional counselor and certified trauma model therapist, explained, “Over-apologizing can reflect a fear of being a burden or making mistakes. When someone apologizes excessively, it can indicate that they don’t trust their inherent worth and feel the need to make themselves small or palatable to others.”
If an insecure person is worried about making someone unhappy or coming across as burdensome, which most insecure people are, they’ll apologize for … absolutely nothing. They didn’t do anything wrong, and no apology is warranted, but they’ll do it anyway so they feel more comfortable with the situation. It gives them a modicum of control that they desperately crave. They won’t want to take up too much space or time, or seem over-the-top, so they minimize themselves and their actions.
5. ‘I’ll leave you alone’
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Again, an insecure person is going to worry about being a bother, so they may just bow out of the conversation altogether and let the person they’re texting know that they’ll leave them alone now. They might feel like they sent too many messages or were just annoying throughout the conversation, when the reality is that they weren’t bothering that other person at all. In fact, they may want to keep texting longer.
“Insecure people spend lots of time trying to make others happy or preventing their unhappiness,” health and wellness writer Aaron Karmin said. “Instead they need to allow others to be accountable for themselves and take ownership over their own happiness. This requires one to [choose] to stop doing what is unnecessary and do something constructive by living on their own terms in the present.”
Instead of trying to bow out of a text conversation because they think they’ve overstayed their welcome, insecure people would be better served by just going with the flow and letting the other person cue when they’re ready for the conversation to end. Unfortunately, that just doesn’t work for insecure people. They lack the self-confidence needed to keep the communication up, so they just let it lapse, thinking they’re being annoying. Often, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
6. ‘Don’t worry about replying if you’re busy’
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In a similar spirit of not wanting to bother anyone, especially people they really like and want to keep in their lives, an insecure person will assure them they don’t need to reply to their texts because they’re probably too busy to do so. This has the opposite effect of what they want, though. It will push the other person away and make them think that their words aren’t valued. They’ll feel distant from the insecure person and be unsure of how to bridge the gap.
Dr. Hafeez explained that insecurity can lead someone to isolate themselves from others. “If you’re afraid of being judged or feel like you don’t belong, you’re probably isolating yourself, which will only feed your feelings of inadequacy,” Dr. Hafeez said. Unfortunately, as Dr. Hafeez noted, this creates a vicious cycle. Isolating themselves won’t make an insecure person feel better or more comfortable. Instead, they’ll just feel worse.
It may feel scary for an insecure person to keep up a conversation via text without apologizing for something they do or trying to back out, but they won’t grow if they don’t try. Being insecure doesn’t mean someone isn’t worth talking to, and it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a reply. Sure, the other person may be busy, but surely they’ve got enough time to get around to responding eventually — and likely sooner rather than later.
7. ‘Did I say something wrong?’
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An insecure person tends to feel slighted by even the smallest things. If a response to one of their texts feels a little too curt or short, they’ll likely begin to think they did something wrong. And, although they’re insecure, they won’t be afraid of asking about it. It’s just in their nature. “Did I say something wrong?” may sound like an odd thing to say in the middle of a conversation, but an insecure person will need to halt everything to make sure their social skills are acceptable.
This is another form of over-apologizing, and behavioral scientist and Harvard-trained leadership coach Shadé Zahrai said it’s not necessary. “Apologizing too much projects a lack [of] conviction in your opinions, which may cause others to question your credibility, making you appear weak and insecure,” she stated. “It can also diminish the impact of genuine apology in the future.”
If an insecure person apologizes for absolutely everything or always seems like they’re on the cusp of saying sorry, it’s going to become more and more difficult to take them seriously. If an apology isn’t needed, then that’s not what the other person is going to want to get. And they’ll undoubtedly get tired of always reassuring the insecure person that they didn’t do anything wrong and have nothing to worry about or apologize for.
8. ‘I’m pretty boring’
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Another text an insecure person might send is something along the lines of “I’m pretty boring.” Although this may seem over-the-top to the other person, it will feel entirely warranted to the insecure person. They probably do feel like they’re boring and not keeping the other person engaged or entertained with their conversation, so they’ll feel the need to compensate by acknowledging this. It’s not a direct apology, but it’s close.
In another article, Cherry noted, “As a psychological strategy, people use compensation to cover up their inadequacies, frustrations, stresses, or urges. While it can sometimes be beneficial, compensation can cause problems when overused or misapplied.” This may look like trying to become stronger in a certain area to make up for deficits in another, or it might mean making excuses to cover up for what that person sees as inadequacies.
The thing is, no one should feel like they have to make excuses for themselves (unless something really serious happens, in which case an apology would probably be more appropriate). An insecure person doesn’t have to say they’re boring to make the person they’re texting feel better. That thought probably never even crossed their mind in the first place.
9. ‘Am I bothering you?’
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It’s normal to occasionally wonder in the back of your mind if you’re being annoying and just bothering someone. But for insecure people, this is a constant thing. Because of their insecurity, they always think they’re bothering people. It’s so much of a problem that they may even send a text to the person they’re messaging with to bluntly ask them if they’re bothering them. Of course, this just creates an uncomfortable situation that’s awkward for everyone involved.
This is basically the equivalent of feeling like a burden, and Michelle Risser, LISW-S, said this is perfectly normal for people who struggle with their confidence. “Low self-esteem can make you feel like you don’t deserve to be cared for or loved,” she explained. “This can create doubt about whether others genuinely want to be there for you, leading to the belief that asking for help is too much. When you don’t see your own value, it’s easy to feel like you’re placing a burden on others.”
If someone is insecure and has low self-esteem, they’re more likely to think of themselves as a burden or a bother. They find it hard to believe that anyone would truly want to hang out with them or talk to them for the fun of it, because they doubt there’s any fun involved for the other person. But asking someone if you’re bothering them puts everyone in an uncomfortable position, and it really isn’t worth it.
10. ‘I wish we talked more’
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Insecure people may not have as big a friend group as they would like because they struggle with their self-esteem. So, they might appear a little clingy to the friends they do have. When texting someone, they might express a desire to talk more, which probably isn’t necessary. It’s a quick and easy way to kill the conversation, despite saying that they want to talk more.
Referring to romantic relationships, health writer Taylor Wendt said, “If you are clingy in one relationship or at certain times in your life when you aren’t at your best, it could be because you’re feeling generally insecure, or perhaps your partner is the wrong person to meet your needs.”
So, a sense of clinginess can come from insecurity. No one wants to think of themselves as clingy, but they probably don’t want to consider the fact that they might be insecure, either. People who are insecure and clingy aren’t trying to alienate the people they care about. Instead, they’re actually trying to keep them close, and they just go a little too far.
11. ‘You’re just saying that to be nice’
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An insecure person is probably going to have a hard time taking a compliment. After all, they don’t believe those nice things to be true about themselves, so why would they think it’s true when someone else says it? This could lead an insecure person to deflect any praise they receive via text and write it off as the other person just being nice.
Dr. Hafeez addressed this as well. “Being unable to say ‘thank you’ when complimented and feeling the need to say something self-deprecating is a sign of insecurity,” Dr. Hafeez said. “Such a reaction often signals you’re having difficulty accepting yourself.”
If someone has a hard time accepting themselves, then they’re obviously not going to accept compliments. It would feel completely unnatural to them. This can all stem from insecurity, which is probably the reason that person struggles to accept praise. Someone may be giving them a genuine compliment, but they’ll just brush it off instead of letting it stick because they’re uncomfortable with accepting it.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
