Are You Suffering In A Sexless Marriage?

Are You Suffering In A Sexless Marriage?

If your spouse denies sex constantly, you're missing a beautiful emotion bond God intended for us.

Think climbing the walls from sexual frustration will get easier when your hormones slow down? Don't bet your future happiness on it. You may well be facing the worst time of your life.

When sexually deprived or defrauded husbands or wives sigh with relief when their hormones start slowing down, they experience a huge shock: Sex was never about the release of hormones; it was always about building an emotional bond with the mate. How brutal to discover that they've given up a lifetime of lovemaking, which should have built the emotional bond, only to realize their emotional love bank is empty. Not only are they married to a sexual dud; they are also married to an emotional cripple unwilling to express true adult love.

What an evil turn of events. Many such husbands and wives who successfully fought the temptation to cheat on their mates during their early years of raging hormones succumb to the allure of an admirer who promises emotional bonding. What about husbands and wives who remain faithful to sexual duds? The loneliness during these later years is overwhelming. Many times the vacuum left from the emotional coldness floods with extreme bitterness and anger. What a huge price to pay for not holding a faithless sexual depriver accountable for his or her sins in the home.

80% of Christian husbands are sexually frustrated. A friend recently told me, "Of my Evangelical friends, I estimate 80% of the men over 45 are love starved because of a lack of sexual passion from their wives, which they perceive as rejection of them as a whole person." I thought, "80% of the wives are married to more than willing partners, and they don't know God created sexual love for them, too? Maybe for them first. 80% of the wives don't know how to reach their husbands' loving hearts? What a huge rejection of masculine and feminine love that originated within the mind of God."

Many Christian women are frustrated, too. On the flip side, my e-mails and personal conversations indicate a large percentage of women are just as starved for sexual love from their husbands. Sometimes I wonder, "Are there any normal, loving husbands out there? Are there any sexually normal marriages out there? Are normal loving men and women always doomed to marry sexual defrauders or sexual duds and fight frustration, depression and anger during their whole marriages?"

How is it so many loving husbands and wives marry sexual deprivers, spouses who claim to be Christians, yet willingly inflict sexual and emotional pain on their mates with disregard for plain Bible teaching about lovemaking? It's not like the sexual victims don't register loud complaints. I've never met a person yet who didn't express his or her frustration over and over to the mate.

I frequently hear, "My mate is perfect except for the sexual area."  I no longer believe that statement. A person, male or female, who willing violates I Corinthians 7 and forces the mate to constantly fight sexual temptations because he or she cannot satisfy God-given and God-approved sexual and emotional desires with a loving and eager mate, is far from perfect. Think about it. That is about as unloving as a person can get — ultimate selfishness in causing preventable pain to another human. That cruelty equals poking a defenseless caged animal with a stick until he's bloody and lame. Neither spouse rises to their full potential as a loving human because of this sin in their home.

Heed this warning; don’t wait for your hormones to slow down. God designed that the best sexual years of all are when the hormones slow down and the emotional bonding takes precedence over the physical, making older lovemaking more satisfying than ever. In Proverbs 5:18, he instructed, "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife or your youth."

The sexual relationship presents an innovative way for husbands and wives to speak a beautiful language of love that transcends the limitations of spoken words and bonds them closer together over the years. It allows them to face the problems of life as a truly one flesh team — in body, mind and spirit. For over 40 years, I've listened to the misery inflicted upon both husbands and wives by sexual deprivers or sexual duds and witnessed the outcome of those marriages. It's a no-brainer that this is one of those spiritual battles in the home worth fighting until it's won.

A defrauded spouse may get by during the years of youthful hormonal suffering, and may survive the emotionally empty later years. However, many older marriages crumble when the hormones slow down and the emotional void sucks out all remaining life. And the emotional pain? It's indescribable. God never intended for his people to wait for their hormones to slow down to realize what a terrible mistake they made in letting a sexual defrauder go blithely on his or her way causing misery until it was too late and the price they paid was too high. The tragedy is that it was never a price God expected or wanted his people to pay.

So don't wait until you cheat on your mate or your heart shrivels from the emotional coldness in your marriage. Kick and scream until the problem is solved or you're satisfied your mate is a belligerent sexual sinner against God's plain teachings regarding married love. God does not trap anyone in loveless marriages.

Readers describe Patsy Rae Dawson as the most outspoken Christian woman on sex, referring to her frankness and comfort talking about sex. Her unique ability to unlock the scriptures and challenge traditional views makes her a popular speaker and writer. Check out Patsy's latest book, The Song of Solomon Love Triangle, God's Soulmating & Lovemaking Guide to Prepare You for a Lifetime of Passionate Sex. She's also the author of God’s People Make the Best Lovers and God’s People Appreciate Marriage (which includes a verse-by-verse study of the Song of Solomon). 

She has CDs on The Song of Solomon: God's Sex Education for Ages 11 to 99 and Challenges in Marriage: What to Do When Sin Inhibits Love. Sign up for her newsletter called Embarrass the Alligator where Patsy talks about the good, the bad, and the ugly of marriage so we can enjoy a literal taste of heaven. PatsyRaeDawson.com and EmbarrasstheAlligator.com.