11 Facts About Sex I Wish Lawyers And Judges Knew (At A Bare Minimum)

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11 Sex Facts I Wish Lawyers And Judges In Our Family Law System Knew

Our court system has A LOT to learn.

Because I periodically appear in court as an expert witness, and consult with lawyers and people in trouble, I’ve learned a bit about what attorneys and judges know about sex. Like physicians, physical therapists, and psychologists, it isn't nearly enough.

They really need to know more. Not about fallopian tubes and HIV, but about the role that sex plays in real people's lives. About how they actually make decisions. And about how Americans are more similar to each other in the bedroom than the overheated rhetoric of Bill O’Reilly and the abstinence-only crowd suggests.

The justice system gets involved with sexuality on an almost daily basis.

Sex comes up, for example, in custody hearings, domestic violence cases, questions about the legality of one teen having sex with another, claims by Wal-Mart photo developers that a bathtub shot is child porn, and demands that a public statue be taken down or covered up because it’s “offensive.”

In order to make our justice system more fair and less punitive, here are just eleven facts about sex I wish more lawyers and judges knew:

1. Many people who lie to their mates about sex are, in every other way, good partners.

2. People into kinky sex can be perfectly good parents. In fact, millions of good parents are into kinky sex.

Think only bad parents buy butt plugs and wear see-through blouses?

3. Knowing what porn a person looks at, or what their sexual fantasies are, doesn’t tell you anything about that person.

4. Even the most conservative-sounding people sometimes do outrageous sexual things at home.

RELATED: Less Shame And Secrecy Means MORE Satisfying Sex — It's That Simple

5. With 50,000,000 Americans watching porn each month, you can’t predict anything about someone based on whether or not they watch porn.

6. There’s a dramatic difference between violence and BDSM.

Violence is coercive. BDSM is consensual. Violence is done to someone. BDSM is done with someone. The victims of violence don’t control its boundaries. Participants in BDSM determine its boundaries together.

In summary: there are no “victims” of BDSM, even if someone’s choice is ill-advised for them.

7. Most women who act in porn films either don’t mind (like a lot of other jobs) or actually enjoy it.

Those who do it just for the money prefer this way of making a living to their other options.

8. When talking to their doctors, therapists, clergy, pollsters, and the media, adults lie about what they do in bed.

When they do, they almost always understate the variety and frequency of what they do, and the number of people they do it with.

RELATED: Why We Like The Sex That We Do

9. There’s no such thing as sex addiction.

There are people making poor sexual decisions all over the place (there’s big news!), but almost all of them could make different choices if they really wanted to. And yes, it may be difficult. Smart choices sometimes are.

To indulge our cravings may not be wise, but it’s rarely sick.

10. Science has never shown that people who watch porn behave any differently than people who don’t.

11. The majority of kids who are sexually exploited by an adult know the offender.

Therefore, protecting kids from being molested by strangers is a huge waste of money, time, and attention that could actually be used to help make kids safer.

Our Expert Dr. Marty Klein has just published his seventh book, 'His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America’s PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex.' In honor of the event, we’re running several excerpts and a series of his articles about Pornography in Real Life. Subjects will include couples in conflict about porn, what to do if you’re over-involved with porn, and the question of whether consuming porn leads to anti-social behavior. For more information, visit HisPornHerPain.com

This article was originally published at MartyKlein.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.