The Actual Truth About Your G Spot (And Why Science Keeps Getting It Wrong)

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G spot

Yet another study has been released telling women how they can, and should, find orgasms and sexual pleasure. And as usual, the online commentary was immediate.

This time, the researchers presented "a review of existing (not new) evidence ... that the vaginal orgasm does not exist ... based on their assertion that the vagina has no anatomical structure that can cause an orgasm. In [these researchers'] opinion, this makes it impossible for a woman to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone."

The way science tells women they’re supposed to enjoy sex is as fickle as the way science tells us we’re supposed to have a healthy diet.

So like the high vs low-fat diet or the carb vs no carb debate, the controversy between the clitoral and vaginal orgasm rages on.

I’m thrilled that they’re doing such studies at all, as women tend to be left out of much scientific research. Prescription medications are often only tested on men, for example. But I take issue when the research is presented as simply another set of ‘shoulds’ bound to make women feel broken or inadequate.

The first problem with this particular research, at least the way it's described in an article in Salon, is that they were looking for an actual structure in the vaginal wall. And although the g-spot can have an apparent texture, especially during high arousal, it isn’t a distinct anatomical structure.

In fact, the g-spot isn’t a spot at all.

It’s simply an area of the vaginal wall which can be different both in terms of location and size in different women.

What you’re really aiming for when you try to locate the g-spot is the urethral sponge, which becomes engorged during arousal. That’s because the urethra is surrounded by erectile tissue, so it becomes engorged right along with the rest of the network of erectile tissue found in the vulva, vagina, and surrounding structures.

As for g-spot orgasms and female ejaculation, which are also called into question in the Salon article, maybe you have to see them to believe them.

I’ve been on both the giving and receiving side of these orgasms and while that may only be anecdotal evidence, I’ve got the puddles to prove it.

What all of this research glosses over is that there are a variety of ways to reach orgasm — from clitoral stimulation to penetration to full body energetic orgasms and more. There’s no sense invalidating anyone’s experience or pleasure.

The main point here is that all bodies are different.

What’s most important is for women (or people of any gender identity) get to know their own bodies well. It takes some thorough hands-on research to learn what your body likes. And from there you can show your partners how you like to be touched.

For partners: never assume the person you’re with now will like what the last person you were with liked.

Rather than making assumptions, ask questions. But not just any questions. Questions like, “Do you like this,” or “Is this okay,” will not elicit the most valuable information.

Try asking, “How do you like to be touched,” or “Would this be better harder or softer?”

When you ask an open-ended question or a question with a choice between two things, you get much more useful information than a yes/no question gives you.

In my practice, the most common thing I tell people is to slow down.

The problem with talking about orgasms is that these conversations can become very goal-oriented.

This leaves people who aren’t having orgasms out of the discussion of intimacy and sexual pleasure and it creates even more anxiety around sexual performance. This is a dangerous cycle because anxiety about performing makes it harder to relax and enjoy.

That’s why I urge everyone to find multiple paths to intimacy. If your journey leads to an orgasm that’s fantastic, but even if it doesn’t, it’ll still be worth the trip.

Stella Harris is building a world where everyone has the confidence to explore their sexuality safely and free of shame. As a certified Intimacy Educator and Sex Coach, she uses a variety of tools to guide and empower her clients and she teaches everything from pleasure anatomy to communication skills to kink and BDSM. Stella has been widely quoted in the media including Cosmopolitan, Thrillist, The Philadelphia City Paper, and The Toronto Sun, and has made guest appearances on numerous podcasts, including Sex on the Brain and Playboy Radio.

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This article was originally published at Stella Harris. Reprinted with permission from the author.