I Tried To Get Laid Using Pokemon Go & All I Got Was A Skinned Knee

Photo: Pokemon Go 
pokemon go online dating

You might catch Squirtle and the love of a lifetime.

When Pokemon Go appeared on the game scene last week, I was aware of it. 

I may be a person who spends most of her time writing about online dating and her vagina, but I do those things on the internet. So I read things. 

If you spend any time on the web, the augmented reality game Pokemon Go has been unavoidable. 

I don't know a lot about Pokemon other than that you must catch them all and that one of them is named Squirtle and that is hilarious, so initially I gave the game wide berth.

But when I learned that in order to fully experience the game you had to get off of your ass and walk around your neighborhood, my curiosity (and fat ass) was piqued. 

During my first foray out into the world, I did more than catch a Nidoran, I began to suspect that Pokemon Go was a discreet way for people (namely, geeks like myself) to meet and get their freak on. 

Pokemon Go: the latest and most dangerous form of online dating to break into the scene. 

It's dangerous because in order to actually catch these adorable animated monsters you've got to be staring at your phone as you walk around. 

I was nearly hit by not one, but two cars on my first Poke-walk (totally a thing now). 

There are spots throughout your neighborhood labeled as "Poke stops".

Here you can collect shit, like magical poke balls and other rewards.

For some reason these are mostly churches and statues and sometimes people's houses.

Suffice to say, the first time I found myself standing in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary wearing my ancient pajama pants with holes in the ass cackling to myself as I collected XP points, I knew that the caliber of men I might meet while playing this game could be ... challenging. 

After stepping in dog shit, I hit up my next Poke stop, a local funeral home. A hot dad type in his early 40s was approaching from another direction on his phone. 

"Hey," I not-so-sexily called out to him, assuming he too was only passing by for the points. 

He did not acknowledge me, and fair enough. See the aforementioned pajama pants and dog-shit smell. 

I briefly stopped my quest after reading a news story about how surly teens were setting up shop by Poke stops to mock those playing the game. Since the only thing I am scared of more than my own death is surly teens, I almost quit the game entirely. 

Thankfully my addictive personality outweighed my anxiety and fear of teens. I soon discovered that a local bar right by my house was a poke stop. I cruised casually buy, catching a Doduo while two old men looked on baffled. 

Suddenly, a Zubat flew into view and I stood on the corner cursing and flailing for a full minute before capturing him. I scanned the streets for like minded idiots, and spotted not a one.

"More for me," I cackled darkly. Clearly this was no longer about investigating the game for online dating potential. 

"PIDGEY" I screamed, darting across the street to catch the surly looking bird monster. I tripped, scraped my knee, and dropped my dog's leash. He did not appear to notice and continued quietly making his way home while I winced and slowly pulled myself up from the ground. 

I haven't met anyone playing Pokemon Go yet. I feel like that will allllll change once I hit level five and can join a gym. Oh my god who have I BECOME.

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It might not be the next craze in online dating, but if you'd like to risk being a kidnapped adult or the victim of a hit and run, this game is definitely for you.