Weird News: 79-Year Mississippian Arrested For Mall Masturbation

surprised old man

Public frottage has become a menace at one Slidell-area shopping mall.

My understanding is that the only good part of getting old is that you stop caring what other people think. That's amongst the double-edged-iest sword on Earth. Yeah, grandpa doesn't mind when he gooses a 19-year cocktail waitress or yells something profoundly racist at your swarthy boyfriend during a Fourth Of July barbeque, but sometimes the law has other things in mind.

Enter NAME REDACTED. Per Red Stick Now (Baton Rouge means red stick in French), this Mississippi man has been alleged to, on two separate occasions, enter Slidell's Northshore Mall, walk into a lady's clothes store, bump into a couple of PYTs and then fondle his front parts. On one occasion the 79-year old Biloxi native actually removed his penis from his trousers and began to pump up his jam. He was chased from the clothing stores by a pair of young women who had a little thing called moxie. They obtained his license plate number and let Johnny Law take things from there. The Northshore Mall Masturbator (which no one is calling him) has similar charges against him in other states.

While this shop 'til you pop fiasco of mirrors the plot of the Seth Rogen vehicle Observe And Report, old dudes beating it in public is substantially less funny than a bi-polar security guard with an alcoholic mother and an unhealthy crush on a makeup counter girl played by Anna Faris. Given the man's age, you have to wonder if senility plays a factor in these frottage fantasies. Japan has a huge problem with frotteurs on account of their crowded streets and subways (not to mention their supposed fascination with young women). They somewhat alleviate the problem by having women-only train cars and encouraging women to yell "CHIKAN!" (Japanese for both the act of street groping and the groper) at men with roving hands.

Know this, the elderly, we will not let you ruin consensual dry-humping (nor mutual masturbation) for the rest of us. We will not be held hostage by your dotage even if it is sort of impressive that near-80 year-olds still have a libido.

Keep your head on a swivel, ladies, next time you're at Wet Seal. 

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