10 Ways Emotionally Manipulative People Make Everyone Around Them Feel Small
Getty Images | Unsplash Gaslighting is a form of manipulation (on the mild end), emotional abuse, or even psychological warfare (on the extreme end) that results in the slow dismantling of a gaslightee’s self-trust. There are three main vulnerabilities that set the stage for gaslighting. In no particular order, these include:
- Our need to be liked
- Our need to be loved
- Our need to be understood
These needs are part of being human. The bright side of these needs is that they motivate us to form close and loving connections with other human beings, which is healthy. The dark side is that these needs, when combined with certain tendencies, make people vulnerable to gaslighting. Among these tendencies are:
- Self-doubt
- People-pleasing
- Conflict-avoidance
Do any of these sound like you or someone you know? If so, you may need to pay attention to the possible presence of gaslighting in your relationships. Keep in mind that the problem is not the need to be loved, liked, or understood. It’s the combination of these needs with specific tendencies and habits that makes someone incredibly emotionally manipulative.
Here are 10 ways emotionally manipulative people make everyone around them feel small:
1. They constantly blame you when things go wrong, while assuming no responsibility
Gaslighting is more likely to occur when people enter into relationships that contain substantial situational or relational power differentials, such as when one person is especially vulnerable due to losing a job or suffers “fear of abandonment” issues due to a previous loss or trauma.
"Maybe your partner has asked you to move in or quit your job, so you can focus on yourself while they get the upper hand in making financial decisions," explained marriage and family therapist Marni Feuerman. "It seems like they're more focused on controlling you, instead of you finding anything (or anyone) that may be better for your life."
2. They make you second-guess yourself
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Over time, you may even question your sanity. Licensed professional counselor Brittney Lindstrom cautioned to be aware if "you have frequent feelings of confusion and disorientation. You feel like you're in a daze, and things around you are blurred. You find yourself zoning out, lost in thought as you revisit confusing conversations that didn't go as you expected, and you can't figure out why."
3. They make you feel like you're being 'too sensitive'
Astrologer Aria Gmitter explained, "Rather than trying to find a way to help fix the problem or change the way they handle whatever situation is hurting your relationship, the problem is turned back on you and your inability to handle stress. If your sensitive nature is under attack and your emotions are starting to dull and numb, be mindful that you might have a relationship where you're being demeaned."
4. They undermine the opinions of people you trust most
Life coach Patty Blue Hayes described one way this works: "They tell you that everyone agrees. This tactic instills fear, doubt, and insecurity that everyone agrees on the thing the manipulator said you did that was bad, stupid, spiteful, or rude, making you think everyone agrees, and so certainly you're wrong."
"Although you may question whether they're flat-out lying, you probably won't listen to that small inner voice because their tactics have already grown deep roots of self-doubt. When you ask which specific friends, you won't get an answer. You're not likely to confront your friends out of fear they'll either agree (then you have a friend issue to deal with), or they'll lie and deny (another potential friend issue), or they'll question why you're with such a crafty manipulator."
5. They pressure you to withdraw from close friends or family
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"Maybe it sounds like a seductive offer to move to a different locale and try out a new life where your partner got a new job offer, and you'll be thousands of miles away from friends and family," continues Feuerman. "Think carefully before you leave your current job and start packing, though. Perhaps that's exactly what your significant other wants — to have you all to themselves, where you have no one else to turn to."
6. They make you feel like nothing you do is right
"Your ability to make simple decisions becomes increasingly difficult." Lindstrom gives an example, "You want to buy a new car, and you've purchased several on your own in the past, but now your partner has been telling you that you let people take advantage of you, so you don't feel safe going through with it without taking them along with you to the dealership."
7. They make you feel like you don't even deserve the basics
You may even feel worthless and undeserving of love. Relationship coach Reta Faye Walker, Ph.D. added, "Gaslighters are adept at keeping you off balance, second-guessing yourself, wondering if you are too sensitive, too loud, too tidy, or too anything. If you are always making excuses and apologizing for them, while being desperately unhappy, you may be living with a gaslighter."
8. They make you doubt your own memory
"When a couple in a counseling session consistently has different facts about the same story, the therapist knows that someone is lying," explained Walker. "Now, imagine when this happens at home, and the victim has no recourse for the truth."
"No one will identify the problem and challenge the abuser. One ploy for the cornered abuser is to say, 'I forget' or 'I remember it differently.' Another variation of “I forget” is when your significant other suggests that your specific memory of an event is tainted. You may even begin to doubt yourself."
9. They love to play the victim
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They usually result in the other person playing the victim, even if they have behaved irrationally or abusively. Feuerman described the situation, "Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you. Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to "help" you."
10. They invalidate your experience and reality
Relationship coach Lesli Doares explained, "You are so desperate to be loved that you accept behavior that is not loving because you're mistaking it for love. Maybe you even think this sort of behavior is the closest to the love you'll feel. Loving behavior is respectful and kind and makes room for your voice and your feelings. But you have to be willing to use your voice and honor your feelings."
If these warning signs feel familiar, you may want to ask yourself whether you are in a gaslighting relationship with an emotionally manipulative person, and assess the impact of this on your life and health. Remember that relationships should enhance people’s lives and help them become better people through encouragement and support, not disempowerment and manipulation.
Dr. Jennifer Sweeton is a licensed clinical psychologist and internationally recognized expert on the neuroscience of mental health, clinical applications of neuroscience, and women's issues.
