Here's Exactly What To Do When Someone Gaslights You — 6 Steps That Actually End The Madness
Don't argue with a gaslighter, outsmart them instead.
Shahin Khalaji | Unsplash Gaslighting is one of the most manipulative and confusing forms of emotional abuse. It's when someone — often a romantic partner — twists your words, denies your experiences, and makes you question your own reality until you start wondering if you're the problem. According to Love and Cosmic Coach Ronnie Ryan, "Gaslighting is when someone else denies what is going on, blames you, or makes you feel like everything is your fault." It's designed to make you feel crazy and dependent on the person who's hurting you.
When you love someone, the last thing you expect is for them to deliberately mess with your head. But gaslighting in relationships happens more often than people realize, and it can be deeply damaging if you don't recognize what's going on. Whether your partner is doing it unconsciously or using it to control you, it's time to take back your power. Here's a clear guide on how to respond when someone gaslights you and practical steps to stop the cycle.
Here are six steps that actually make someone stop gaslighting you.
1. Reach out for outside support
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If you think you can't do this alone, you must find help from others to help you confront a gaslighter. Before you confront someone who is gaslighting you, you should talk to your trusted friends outside of your relationship to make yourself feel validated and gain the courage to confront your partner. This will also help you feel affirmed in your experience with gaslighting, as your trusted friend can let you know if they think it's gaslighting as well.
Reminders and empathy from others can make you feel deeply supported, which is the strength you need to feel better. You can also talk to a mental health professional or therapist to get professional approval that your partner really is a gaslighter.
When gaslighting makes you doubt your own memory, seek confirmation from trusted friends and consider therapy as a place to clarify and reset your relationship, according to relationship therapist Reta Faye Walker. Building this support network becomes essential for counteracting the self-doubt that gaslighting deliberately creates.
2. Create space to clear your head
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In order to help yourself feel ready to confront your partner, you need to be prepared both physically and emotionally.
If you need a break from the conversation, then leave because you can always come back. Go for a walk, take a break outside, and if they don't let you leave, do some breathing exercises and ground yourself with an object near you, like a photo, a lamp, or something you can look at.
When you're confronting your partner, you need to remain calm and persistent, as it will help the conversation run more smoothly and more effectively. No matter how mad you might get at your partner for denying what you're saying, try to keep calm because your distress will only encourage them to keep manipulating you.
It will also help you with your focus in the conversation and telling the truth, not letting their false narrative get to you.
3. Keep proof of what's really happening
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If you need to show your partner physical evidence like recordings, screenshots of texts, notes of each red flag he has brought up, or quoting direct quotes from a conversation, even better.
You want your partner to listen and realize every one of his gaslighting tactics, gaslighting behaviors, and gaslighting phrases in conversation.
By letting them hear their own behavior back to them, they might realize how terrible they sound. Make sure you collect your evidence in a secure and secret place.
According to trial attorney Jefferson Fisher, it's advisable to collect evidence before confronting a gaslighter. This evidence can take several forms, including keeping a journal, saving emails and texts, or taking screenshots.
4. Speak up calmly but firmly
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If you prove to your partner that their gaslighting hasn't worked on you because you aren't confused or have a lack of confidence, then they may decide that gaslighting you isn't worth the struggle.
If you call your partner out for the criticism and insults that they've made towards you in a calming way, then they might realize and listen to you. If you do this in a calm (yet stern) voice, they might try to understand what they have been doing wrong, and it also gives them the incentive to leave you alone.
If they respond by criticizing you about something, fight back and tell them, or even show them that they are wrong.
5. Trust your memory — not their version
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A gaslighter will always make you question what really happened in a story of events, and you have to remind yourself and stay true to your version of the story. Don't let them confuse you in any way or give in to the urge to question yourself.
Repeat what you know with confidence, and if you have proof, even better. Try to remain calm, as if the conversation turns into an argument, then you'll be put in a vulnerable position, easy to manipulate.
6. Focus on rebuilding your confidence
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The number one importance in a relationship is to take care of your own physical and emotional needs. Practicing healthy self-care can make a difference in improving your mental state. Worry and fear have the power to negatively impact your job, relationships, or life in general, making it hard to find the simple pleasures in life.
"The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Talk to a professional to be sure you are being gaslighted. Build up your confidence and belief in yourself again. If you're sure you are being gaslighted, stop engaging with that person. There is no way to make someone stop doing this — except not to play by their rules," says Ryan.
If you dedicate a good chunk of time to relaxing and practicing wellness, then you will get stronger. You can also practice positive self-talk by reminding yourself of your accomplishments and strengths. Other things that could help are meditation, yoga, journaling, and engaging in physical activity like running.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Gaslighting can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor for free support, 24/7.
Megan Hatch is a writer at YourTango who covers news and entertainment, love and relationships, and internet culture.
