7 Quiet Behaviors Of People Who Are Deeply Unhappy In Their Relationship But Hide It Well
Rafael Sales | Unsplash It’s a question I hear constantly in my therapy practice and advice column: “I know my relationship has issues, but should I break up with my partner? Would I actually be better off alone?” Real life doesn’t give us control groups or alternate timelines. No matter what you choose, you’ll never know with absolute certainty how the other path would have turned out. You simply live with the decision you make.
That said, there are times when you can make a very educated guess. Deep unhappiness in a relationship often shows up in behaviors that are easy to rationalize — and even easier to hide. These patterns can keep people stuck in relationships that drain them emotionally and limit their growth over time.
Here are 7 quiet behaviors of people who are deeply unhappy in their relationship, but hide it well:
1. You live in constant "if only" thinking
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Whether it is you, your partner, or both of you having these thoughts, it's a bad sign if there is always a sense that the relationship could be satisfying if only a certain thing fundamentally changed.
Yes, many relationships go through phases where things don't feel quite right, but in the case of a relationship that constantly feels like it needs fixing, true satisfaction will always feel just out of reach. One or both people can start to live in a hypothetical and perhaps unattainable future, rather than in the present, which precludes the possibility of true happiness.
Does your relationship feel 90 percent good, but that other 10 percent is something that nags at you every day and never feels quite solvable? Sometimes, that can be a sign that you'll never fully fit together well.
2. You don't feel truly understood
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Maybe you feel that you are loved under certain conditions only, or you keep up a facade for your partner. This can get in the way of true emotional intimacy and feel empty over time — the idea that your partner wouldn't genuinely love the "real" you if you were truly allowing yourself to be that person.
Perhaps you are pretending to be someone you're not, hiding an important part of your personality, or even feigning interest in certain hobbies or activities of theirs to keep them happy, letting them call the shots about how you spend your time. Or maybe you are being yourself — and yet you never feel like your partner actually "gets" you.
These types of emotional disconnects can lead to a profound loneliness that — ironically — may make you feel even more isolated than if you were single.
3. Your partner leaves you feeling drained more often than supported
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In any relationship, there are times when one partner takes more than they give; equal and perfect reciprocity can rarely be maintained all the time. Good relationships have flexibility and don't bean-count.
That said, sometimes someone might feel constantly exhausted by a partner — even if that partner isn't really doing much to be exhausting.
When you are always frustrated by a partner, and you feel that you need a break from them far more often than being with them provides a break, that is a sign that something is seriously off. Perhaps it is something fixable, but if you find it hard to solve or even to put your finger on, it could be a sign that being with them is always going to be more taxing than a relationship should be.
4. You edit the truth about your partner for others
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Perhaps you cover up your partner's drinking or lie about how well they treat others. Maybe you're ashamed to admit how often you fight, or you find yourself censoring the fact that your partner has a long-standing problem with gambling, or you've lost trust in their faithfulness.
If you find yourself painting a picture of your partner to others that is not at all representative of who they are, it is a sign that they are simply not measuring up to the standards that you know you should have. It's one thing if you don't feel like telling your conservative parents that your new boyfriend grew up on a commune.
But if you are consistently making your partner out to be someone they're not to multiple friends or family members, that's a sign that you know they are not someone with whom you're proud to be.
5. You're committed to who they might become, not who they are
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Perhaps you've spent years imagining your future with your partner, but it includes a different version of them. You fantasize that they'll magically become more ambitious, more kind, or more helpful around the house. You picture that you'll finally be ready to get engaged when they become more responsible, or that once they "see the light" about commitment, you'll feel ready to settle down with them.
Don't fall into the trap of committing to a version of a mate that isn't real. Do you want to be with your partner for the person they are, truly, right here and now? That is much more of an important metric.
6.You apologize for who you are far too often
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It is a warning sign to be taken seriously if you frequently have to apologize to your partner for who you are. Does it seem that you are never good enough? Do your partner's standards feel like they can never be met?
When taken to the extreme, this is a clear-cut sign of a controlling relationship. But even in its milder forms, it can take a significant toll on your psyche to feel like your very existence involves doing things "wrong."
Maybe it even goes in the other direction: You have big hopes and dreams that you feel "silly" for having, or that you feel that your partner will quash. Do you long for the freedom that would come with living how you want to live, liberated from criticism and guilt? So, why are you keeping yourself from that freedom?
7. Conflict feels damaging instead of productive
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Much marital research has shown us that it is not necessarily the presence of conflict, but rather how you fight, that predicts how happy your relationship will be over time.
Are your conflicts riddled with unhealthy patterns, like stonewalling, giving each other the silent treatment, or engaging in hurtful personal attacks? Does resentment grow with each argument, with the real problem never truly getting addressed, let alone solved?
Do your conflicts feel like opportunities to resolve differences or times to understand each other's perspective, or are they more like opportunities to hurt each other and get out some aggression?
Unless you both are motivated to work on these patterns, it is not likely that things will magically change to make your relationship smoother.
Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, speaker, and author. She writes about mental health, relationships, work-life balance, and motivation.
