10 Tiny Signs Your Anxiety Is Actually Begging You To Be Kinder To Yourself
Max4e Photo | Shutterstock Anxiety feels different for everyone who experiences it. For some, anxiety manifests in their minds, making their thoughts loop and worst fears echo. Others hold anxiety in their bodies, their hearts racing and stomachs twisting, finding it hard to breathe when they're overwhelmed.
But despite the effects anxiety can have on us, it can also try to warn us. Whether it's withdrawing socially or trying to make others like you, there are many tiny signs your anxiety is actually begging you to be kinder to yourself. Anxiety therapist Georgie Collinson suggested that anxiety, though distinctly unpleasant, could actually be a message that lets us know when we're abandoning ourselves for the sake of making other people happy.
Here are 10 tiny signs your anxiety is actually begging you to be kinder to yourself
1. You say 'yes' when you want to say 'no'
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When your anxiety is begging you to be kind to yourself, you may find that you say "yes" to things you don't want to do. Maybe you have a toxically positive boss who has a special project for you or wants to promote your title with no extra pay. Maybe you're tempted to agree, just to keep their expectations for you intact, but you know that saying "yes" will make you feel burnt out at work.
Organizational psychologist Dr. Sunita Sah explained that our tendency to say "yes" instead of "no" is rooted in being taught obedience from a young age. She added, "When we are rewarded for compliant behavior, our brain rewards us with a hit of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure. Repeated compliance strengthens the neural pathways associated with saying 'yes.' On the other hand, acts of defiance — especially when they are met with disapproval — receive no such reward, making those pathways weaker or less likely to develop. Over time, compliance becomes a default response."
While accepting requests from other people might seem easier in the short-term, in the long run, it can cause you stress and exhaustion, and make you feel generally resentful of the people around you. Learning how to set clear, direct boundaries with others is a way to manage expectations and is an act of care for yourself.
2. You do nice things for others, not for yourself
If you often find yourself compromising your own needs for those of other people, you've likely lost touch with what makes you feel fulfilled. This can come up when a friend asks a favor you don't actually want to do or when a family member expects you to come to a holiday you'd rather stay home for.
Sure, showing up to Thanksgiving at your overbearing aunt's house is a nice thing to do, but that doesn't mean it's the right move for you to make. Sometimes, protecting your inner peace is worth disappointing others.
3. You make yourself small to please others
Has anyone ever told you, directly or indirectly, that you take up too much space? Sometimes, people, especially women, are told they're too loud or too aggressive when what they're really doing is advocating for their needs to be met, either in professional or emotional ways.
But when you make yourself small to make others happy, it's just one of the tiny signs your anxiety is actually begging you to be kinder to yourself. It's hard not to internalize the kind of criticism that makes you feel like you're too much, but the reality is that we're all valuable and lovable. We all deserve to say what we feel and ask for what we need.
4. You let people cross your boundaries
Setting boundaries is never simple, and some people will inevitably act in ways that test your limits. You might have an in-law who pushes your boundaries when it comes to being around your children. Maybe you have that one friend who bulldozes over you and ignores your feelings while venting her own messy emotions.
As psychotherapist Moshe Ratson pointed out, "Setting and enforcing boundaries is a powerful act of self-respect. It teaches others how to treat you and creates space for healthy, balanced relationships. Moreover, it empowers you to prioritize your well-being without guilt or compromise... By standing firm in your boundaries, you are affirming your worth and fostering an environment of mutual respect."
5. You make decisions that go against your values
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Having a strong moral compass to guide you through life is a definite benefit, but you might find yourself feeling anxious if you're pressed to make a decision that goes against it. Whether it's blowing off friends to work later at your boss's request or lying to avoid confrontation and conflict, these are tiny signs your anxiety is actually begging you to be kinder to yourself.
See, ignoring your own values can leave you stuck in an anxiety loop that's hard to break free from. Yet tapping into your intuition and making a list of what's important to you is one way to reconnect with that part of yourself. It's the first step to making decisions based on what's most important to you.
6. You try hard to make sure everyone likes you
A major part of people-pleasing habits is rooted in anxiety. People-pleasers work really hard to make sure people like them, but that behavior is a trap. The truth is we can't control how people feel about us, so we might as well show up as our authentic selves instead of molding ourselves into someone we think others want us to be.
"The social side of human nature evolved from the need for cooperation to survive. Being liked meant being fed and protected... So it's natural to want to be liked. If you enjoy people's approval and feel a little bothered when people don't like you, you're not alone. But a fixation on getting people's approval at the expense of making your own choices could interfere with how you live your life," psychology writer Nancy Lovering warned.
As long as you're not actively causing harm to other people, being the truest version of yourself is always the right move. Most of the world responds positively to people who let their innate sense of confidence shine bright. So be yourself and revel in all the gifts you offer.
7. You stay quiet when you're upset
Communication is the key to staying connected to others, but saying what we feel can be challenging, especially when we feel angry, hurt, or disappointed by others. It might seem like you're taking the high road by not complaining, but really, you're letting your own emotional needs take a backseat to everyone else's.
It's not needy to express emotions. It's a sign that you're connected to who you are and what makes you fulfilled in relationships. By keeping quiet when you're in a bad place, you're not being true to yourself. Telling the people you care about when you're upset gives them a chance to see the real you and work on repair.
8. You don't feel hard feelings
Feeling big feelings is never easy, especially because we're taught to tamp down the more negative emotions. But in order to process tough emotions, first we have to sit with them. Sitting in our negative feelings helps us recognize and name them, which then lets us actually move on.
Once you recognize this as a sign your anxiety is actually begging you to be kinder to yourself, it's essential to pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you, as it's the initial step to living as your fullest self. By listening to your emotions, you can show up for yourself and live authentically.
9. You're suffering from burnout
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Perhaps you haven't been feeling hungry during meal times. Or, maybe you've found yourself feeling irritable, not getting enough sleep, or even fixating on things you can't control. Though it may not be obvious at first, these are indicators of extreme burnout.
It's essential to not ignore these symptoms, as a study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry found that burnout can create physical complications, including memory loss, bad decision-making, and problems with focusing. Because, as medical professional Jan Bonhoeffer pointed out, "When the brain is constantly under stress, it struggles to process information efficiently, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming."
10. You've withdrawn socially
Loneliness and social isolation are strongly associated with anxiety, but when someone is in need of showing themselves kindness and compassion, it's a difficult hill to climb. It may also be an indicator of social anxiety, or a result of having low self-esteem.
When you find yourself spending more and more time on your own, alone at home and away from your close friends and loved ones, your anxiety is likely at an all-time high. But rather than letting it fester and driving you further away from a social life, it's essential to seek out professional help and put some happiness back in your life.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
