If Someone Is A True Narcissist, They'll Play These 12 Mind Games At Your Expense
Narcissists can make anyone break down and feel like they're losing their mind.
DIProduction | Shutterstock People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to have a constant need for admiration while having a grandiose sense of self. But there are also people who display behaviors and tactics that are characteristic of the disorder, such as a lack of empathy and a pattern of taking advantage of others for their own gain. They manipulate their romantic partners, scheming against them and anyone else who slights them.
Because these tactics are meant to be subtle and sneaky, and tend to go unnoticed. Whether it's love-bombing or gaslighting, if someone is a true narcissist, they'll play these mind games at your expense. Before you become tangled in their twisted web, it's best to understand the kinds of tricks they've set out for you.
If someone is a true narcissist, they'll play these 12 mind games at your expense
1. Blame-shifting
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Narcissists can't accept responsibility for anything negative that happens in their lives. To them, everything that is, was, or ever will be wrong with your relationship is your fault.
Even your eventual breakup will be your fault, and they will weigh you down with one guilt-trip after another. And the more you try to prove that you're right, the harder the narcissist will fight to prove that you're wrong.
According to certified mental health coach Darius Cikanavicius, "People with strong narcissistic traits are unwilling or unable to reflect on their shortcomings and destructive behaviors. As a result, they project, blame, and manipulate others to cope with their low and shaky self-esteem."
2. Being overly charming
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Most narcissists can be amazingly charming when they want to be. Since many of them are very accomplished and highly driven, they end up making a great impression on your family, co-workers, and even your closest friends.
They'll woo everyone in your life with their charisma to the point where they would think something is genuinely wrong if you confided in them that your partner is messing with your head. But the thing is, they don't understand that they just got played, too.
"Charming and self-absorbed people are very captivating. You can unwittingly get caught up in their worlds and lose sight of your own, and in some cases, yourself," professor and eminent scholar Nina W. Brown pointed out.
3. Blurring the lines
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If someone is a true narcissist, they'll blur the lines of your boundaries at your expense. Because they don't respect boundaries, in general, narcissists have no problem walking into your house uninvited, your office in the middle of an important meeting, tagging along with you and your friends, or assuming they're invited to go camping for the weekend
Unless you set firm boundaries — and enforce them — the narcissist will walk all over you and turn your world upside down.
4. Gaslighting
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Narcissists will tell you they are going to do one thing, then do the opposite. When you ask them why, they'll look at you like you've grown two heads and assert, "That's exactly what I did. What is this other thing you're talking about? Are you sure you're OK?" You start second-guessing yourself until you think you're seriously losing your mind.
That's their whole objective, and because of how well it works, it makes it so difficult to realize that it was them engineering the stunt all along. Part of each game is seeing how pervasively they can invade each corner of your life, and this is one of the hallmark mind games of a narcissist. They make you look like the crazy one.
5. Bending the truth
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To a narcissist, "truth" is relative. They will say and do whatever they need to make themselves look good, or to make you look bad. For example, if you make the mistake of believing that once they are in a court of law and sworn to tell the truth they will actually do that, they will just take advantage of you.
"It is clear that 'truth' is not seen by the narcissistically disordered person as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable — as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it. It seems that the truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time," narcissistic personality disorder expert Dr. Supriya McKenna explained.
6. Needing to be right
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Narcissists can't ever be wrong. If you continue to defy them by disagreeing with them, they'll either paint you as a shameful fool or explode in a terrifying fit of rage.
Even though they are quick to judge, criticize, or ridicule you, don't think for a second that there's any even playing ground here. Because if you try to do the same thing to them, they will either throw a temper tantrum or accuse you of abusing them.
7. Love-bombing
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Part of what makes dealing with a narcissist so dizzying and agonizing is how they are masters at convincing you that they've changed. After acting like a lunatic, they will suddenly treat you with apparent kindness and concern.
They love-bomb you with promises to change and be a better partner, and they might even seem like that sweet, charming person you remember falling in love with when you first met them. Then, as soon as you forgive them and start to believe that they will now do the right thing, they revert back and take advantage of you.
So, if someone is a true narcissist, they'll play a love-bombing mind game at your expense. It's important to be careful when assessing every move they make, especially if it's uncharacteristically kind of them, because this is one thing they love to do over and over again.
8. Rules not applying to them
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The one running game narcissists play is not thinking the rules apply to them, or believing they are an exception to the rule.
According to a study published in Perspectives on Psychological Science, researchers determined that "at the core of grandiose narcissism lies the hierarchical and comparative perspective that is characteristic of status hierarchies: Viewing oneself as superior implies viewing others as inferior; viewing oneself as entitled to special privileges implies viewing others as not."
9. Shapeshifting
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Narcissists have an uncanny ability to morph into whatever form they need in order to get sympathy, attract attention, or stay in control. If you are strong, the narcissist will become weak. If you are codependent, the narcissist will paint you as lazy or incompetent.
They will appear to be the victim of yours, when that's simply not the cast. And what's even more frustrating is that as soon as you try to change yourself, the narcissist will change, too.
10. Projecting
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Because narcissists have such fragile egos, they typically project onto others the negative traits that they have themselves. They can't admit to themselves, or anyone else, that they could ever be anything less than perfect.
You can expect a narcissist to accuse you of lying, cheating, manipulating them, and even trying to control them. In short, they will accuse you of doing everything that they are doing.
11. 'Hoovering'
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Hoovering is a term used to refer to a form of narcissistic abuse, where an ex attempts to get you to return by manipulation and lying. And if someone is a true narcissist, they'll play this mind game at your expense. Because narcissists love drama, and creating and spreading lies, it puts them in the spotlight, makes them feel powerful and keeps you off-balance.
When you finally call it quits, they will do anything to suck you back in like a powerful vacuum cleaner, whether that means calling you crying and desperate for help or manipulating your emotions in some other way so you feel compelled to let them back in.
12. Winning at all costs
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To narcissists, every interaction with others is a game. Not only is it a game they have to win, but it's a game you have to lose.
If doing that costs every penny you have, a narcissist is okay with that. If "winning" means destroying your children's lives, a narcissist is okay with that, too. Because of their "winner take all" attitude, reaching a reasonable settlement with a narcissist is usually either extremely difficult or totally impossible.
Karen Covy is a divorce coach, published author, and former divorce lawyer. She's spent decades helping divorcing people understand, get ready for, and manage their divorces.
