If You Notice These 6 Behaviors, You’re Dealing With Someone Who Has A Very Fragile Ego
You'll instantly recognize all six in someone you've known or worked with.
Image Source | Getty Images | Canva Pro We often think of the ego as a bad thing, like arrogance or narcissism, but the ego is actually a basic part of every one of us. It's only when a person's ego is unhealthy due to things like trauma or low self-esteem that things get dicey, and you end up with the kind of personality we've all dealt with at one time or another: the fragile ego.
A therapist recently shared six telltale signs of an unhealthy ego, and if you've ever worked for, dated, or been friends with someone like this, you'll instantly recognize them. And, heads up: You might even identify with some of them yourself!
6 behaviors that show someone has a fragile ego, according to a therapist:
The idea of ego comes from Sigmund Freud, who described the human psyche as comprising three basic parts: The id, our most primal instincts and desires or "lizard brain;" the superego, our moral compass and values; and, in between the two, our ego, the practical, rational part that mediates the other two more extreme parts of us as we navigate the world.
Given its role as the mediator of two extremes, you can probably guess what happens when a person's ego isn't in the healthiest condition. Comedian Janeane Garofalo, for instance, once described American politics as "unrestrained id," all rage and attacks, because our national ego, if you will, has fallen into such disrepair that there's no longer anything mediating our basest instincts. (She said this in 2009, by the way. If only we'd known…)
So how does this manifest in actual people? Therapist Jeffrey Meltzer, known online as @therapytothepoint, recently gave six examples of behaviors that often result from someone with a deeply fragile ego.
1. They can't receive feedback
For people with fragile egos, "even gentle, well-meaning feedback feels like a personal attack," Meltzer said. To them, feedback feels like rejection, and they'll often either deflect it or lash out. "No matter how kindly you say it, you end up walking on eggshells." Healthy people, on the other hand, pause to reflect and take feedback on board, even if they end up discarding it later.
2. They constantly chase external validation
This is sort of the bizarro version of number one. Whereas feedback sends them into a meltdown, praise is their everything. "They don't feel good unless someone else tells them that they're doing well," Meltzer said.
"Praise isn't just appreciated, it's needed," and that often comes with people-pleasing behaviors or fishing for compliments. Healthy egos enjoy validation, but don't need it. "Their worth doesn't need approval to exist," Meltzer explained.
3. They get extremely defensive
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For people with fragile egos, the smallest of conflicts feel like an attack, and "they twist your words, question your tone, or shut the conversation down." They also misconstrue disagreement as disrespect, because "being wrong feels like failure." Those with healthy egos, by contrast, "can handle discomfort without falling apart or making you the enemy."
4. Their identity is built around one external thing
For some, it's their career, others it's who they're dating, and others it's their looks, but it's always something to do with status and outward appearances.
"Everything is tied to that one role, and if it falters, so do they," Meltzer said. "Healthy egos are diversified," he explained. "They don't put their entire self-worth into one basket."
5. They're obsessed with outcomes
Perfectionists, it's your moment to listen up. "If the result isn't perfect, they spiral. A win means they're valuable. Anything else feels like a failure," Meltzer explained. Dang, doc, you didn't have to drag me this hard.
Healthy egos, on the other hand, "still care about results, but they also care about effort, growth, and character." For you parents out there, this is part of why the new advice in recent years has been about "praising effort, not results." It helps avoid these issues.
6. They struggle to celebrate others
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It's like that classic meme where the guy says, "I don't really care if something good happened to you; it should have happened to me instead." People with fragile egos often view others' success as a commentary on their own failure. Hence, "complimenting someone else feels threatening. If someone else shines, they feel smaller," Meltzer explains.
"A healthy ego doesn't see someone else's success as their loss," he went on to say, unless of course it's that nemesis of yours who deserves to have everything they touch turn to dust. Then you're allowed to be mad about their success. But that's the only exception!
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
