If Someone Gets Defensive Over Small Feedback, They're Probably Ashamed Of These 11 Flaws
They struggle with accepting that they have room for change.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock It’s not uncommon to feel uncomfortable in the face of constructive criticism or feedback, even when we’re expecting it in places like the workplace. According to a study from the Journal of Experimental Psychology, that’s why people tend to prefer “evaluative feedback” about things they’ve already done, over constructive feedback for how they can change moving forward. However, some people are completely averse to any kind of feedback and often get defensive or avoid it altogether.
From insecurity to a struggle with equating mistakes to failure, if someone gets defensive over small feedback, they’re probably ashamed of these flaws. The good news is that these “flaws” don’t have to be defining personality traits or permanent aspects of a person’s identity — they can always shift and change.
If someone gets defensive over small feedback, they’re probably ashamed of these 11 flaws
1. Believing mistakes equate to failure
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When a person receiving constructive feedback isn’t receptive and open-minded about receiving it, it hardly actually prompts positive change and productivity, according to a study from Current Opinion in Psychology.
Part of what builds that barrier to feedback is the belief that making mistakes and not being “perfect” is somehow a failure. But mistakes don’t equate to failure, at least for intelligent, ever-evolving people who take these moments as opportunities to learn, ask for help, and grow.
So, if someone gets defensive over small feedback, they’re probably ashamed of their internal insecurities and afraid to “fail” by admitting they have space to grow.
2. Low self-esteem
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According to a study from Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, people with low self-esteem usually struggle to both accept compliments from others and digest constructive feedback.
Considering feedback is often a light into the way that other people perceive us, being told we need to change or evolve — even in harmless places like the workplace — can add to the misguided beliefs and low self-esteem we may already be struggling with internally.
So, if someone gets defensive over small feedback, they’re probably ashamed internally and struggling with limiting, insecure self-talk that urges them to pick over feedback and search for the negative.
3. Feeling ‘dumb’ for not knowing something
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Many people who grew up as “gifted” kids or who were held to perfectionist standards by their parents are struggling with “not knowing” as adults.
Whether it’s getting constructive feedback from a boss or being pressured into asking for help when they don’t understand a subject in school, people who get defensive over small feedback are afraid of looking “dumb” for being confused.
They think that admitting they have room to grow or accepting constructive feedback is an automatic assumption of their own incompetence, when really it’s the opposite that reminds people of their intelligence.
4. Proving competency with overconfidence
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Many people who rely on overconfident behaviors to “prove” their intelligence or control end up sabotaging their social perceptions in group settings. On top of that, it’s usually the most overconfident people who underperform — the skills, abilities, and knowledge they claim to have are quickly sabotaged by the reality of what they can do.
However, people who fail to accept feedback with an open mind often struggle with this overconfident mentality. They’re afraid of asking for help, needing support, or “not knowing” something, so they instead cope internally by pretending like they’re perfectly fine.
5. Having a fear of abandonment
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People who fear abandonment or rejection often operate from an intrinsic place of insecurity. In their relationships, their work environments, and even when they’re alone at home, every decision they make and behavior they indulge is rooted in their feelings of inadequacy.
For people who already struggle with a fear of rejection, feeling ostracized, called out, or at risk for being judged in social situations can often make defensiveness second nature. If they’re not avoiding these situations, like being offered feedback in a group setting, they’re brushing them off or trying to “protect” themselves with defensiveness.
6. Being a perfectionist
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Perfectionist attitudes and mental health are often intrinsically linked, according to a study from the World Journal of Clinical Cases. Obviously, it’s impossible to be “perfect” all the time, but for people who tie in their self-worth completely with their ability to achieve or be productive 100% of the time, they’re bound to fall into spirals of insecurity, disappointment, and defensiveness.
Whether it’s in the workplace, with a friend at home, or while talking to a new partner, being offered feedback for how they need to “change” to be better is largely associated with more defensiveness, fear, and struggle in perfectionist people.
7. Constantly feeling like ‘not enough’
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People who feel constantly inadequate, like they can’t do anything right, largely struggle to accept feedback and constructive criticism from others. Even if it subtly reaffirms their internal misguided beliefs that they’re “not good enough,” if someone gets defensive in the face of small feedback, it’s because they feel offended.
They work adamantly to protect their social perceptions and self-image, so when someone points out something they need to do better — even if it’s something incredibly small — it throws off their entire routine.
8. Craving constant control
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A desire to control everything in life is often rooted in feelings of uncertainty. If someone feels anxious, uncertain, or insecure in their routine, they’ll cling to control in everything they do — even if it’s misguided, like avoiding conflict or getting defensive in the face of constructive feedback.
If someone gets defensive over small feedback, it could be a sign that they’re struggling with control. They feel out of control when someone tries to give feedback, even if it’s really a desire to help and offer room for growth that would add more stability, confidence, and strength to their lives.
9. Imposter syndrome
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Many people who struggle with imposter syndrome find it hard to make peace with their accomplishments and feel secure in their roles in the world. They fear being “found out” or rejected by the people around them, so when they’re offered small pieces of feedback and criticism that trigger their internal insecurity.
If someone gets defensive over small feedback, chances are they’re trying to cope with imposter syndrome. They already feel unstable and uncertain about their place in any specific environment, so when an uncomfortable conversation leads with constructive feedback, it’s disorienting and immediately puts them in fight or flight.
10. Lingering unresolved childhood trauma
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People with lingering childhood trauma often struggle with feeling made fun of or judged, even if the situation they’re in — like getting feedback at work — isn’t meant to be cruel or rude. Especially if they didn’t get positive affection and attention from their parents growing up, getting constructive feedback can feel inherently negative, even when it’s not meant to be.
Whether they were expected to be “perfect” or only offered love when they had something to offer, as an adult, getting constructive feedback can make them feel like they’re unstable or judged.
11. Being emotionally unregulated
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Like a study from Personality and Individual Differences suggests, emotional regulation skills and self-awareness both play a role in how people interact with others, form their relationships, and accept feedback in places like the workplace.
If they feel “called out” or judged, they’re able to regulate their emotions in the moment and focus on the positive aspects when they can. They’re not sabotaging conversations and relationships by having emotional outbursts or getting defensive in the face of feedback, but leaning into connection and understanding first.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
