People With These 11 Self-Defeating Habits Have Trouble Being Taken Seriously
Gregory Hayes | Unsplash The way we're treated by others is often a mirror of how we treat ourselves. If someone is confident, people tend to view them with high regard. But there are people with a few self-defeating habits who have trouble being taken seriously. People who show up late or don't follow through on even small commitments stand out as unserious and inconsistent, and employers know the long-term effects on their workplace productivity from these habits, some of which are obvious like these, and some of which are more subtle.
But this is also true in our personal relationships, taking a profound toll on their love lives and even their friendships. People want to feel like their friends and partners take them seriously and that they are valued. Fortunately, once you've identified these self-defeating habits, you can start working to repair them.
People with these 11 self-defeating habits have trouble being taken seriously
1. Negative self-talk
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Self-deprecation can be defined as a form of self-talk that reflects low self-esteem or negative self-regard.
Someone who's self-deprecating most likely has a low sense of self-worth, and they speak negatively about themselves to others. Some psychologists believe that talking down about yourself is a method of self-sabotage, as it leads other people to believe the negative things you say about yourself.
The Berkeley Well-Being Institute highlighted a distinct connection between self-deprecation and feeling insecure, which can play off each other, forming a negative feedback loop that's hard to escape. The more we disparage ourselves to other people, the more they'll see our negativity as the truth about who we are.
It isn't easy to break the cycle of negative self-talk, but it can be done. Practicing affirmations and considering aspects of your personality that you're grateful for can boost your confidence and help you to shift away from self-destructive thoughts.
2. Ignoring boundaries
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Setting firm boundaries for oneself and respecting the boundaries that other people have set is a crucial part of cultivating healthy relationships. If you neglect your own boundaries or consistently cross people's boundaries, it's highly likely that others won't take you seriously as a result.
Psychologist Guy Winch explained that people often experience a high level of emotional discomfort from setting boundaries, which is why they avoid it as a consistent practice. Winch described the process of setting boundaries as "Uncomfortable and intimidating because [it's] a form of confrontation."
"We typically tolerate 'boundary violations' for too long because we tell ourselves the person didn't realize, didn't mean it, or had good intentions," he said. Even so, respecting boundaries is an essential part of getting others to take you seriously.
3. Elitism
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Few people would admit to being elitism, but when you consider the dictionary definition of elitism as "the belief that some things are only for a few people who have special qualities or abilities," you may start to notice it all around you. Often, it creeps into people's lives unconsciously, causing them to show biases toward people and things without realizing it.
The reason elitism can be an self-defeating habit is that it's hard to take someone seriously who seems to look down on so many others. Whether it's something as overt as judging them for not having the "right" type of purse, or something more covert, like biasing against someone's hair texture or accent as being "low class" (in inherently elitist term in the first place!), it comes off as unserious and unintelligent.
Ultimately, elitism can undermine someone's career as well as their interpersonal relationships. Fortunately, we can catch ourselves behaving and thinking this way and start deconstructing our biases and start learning to do better.
4. Being late
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Being late can be seen as rude or inconsiderate behavior, especially when a person consistently fails to show up on time. It's easy to dismiss someone for their chronic lateness, because it seems like they don't care enough about the event to be punctual.
Yet sometimes, people are late not because they don't care, but because they have poor time-management skills. Two psychologists from Washington University researched Time-Based Prospective Memory, which pertains to someone's ability to plan for future tasks. They found that people often have timing biases, so that they think about future timing based on how long it took them to complete that task in the past, which leads to negative consequences.
Even when having poor time management isn't purposeful, showing up late still affects the way other people see you. Therefore, planning ahead and giving yourself some wiggle room to get somewhere on time will make people take you more seriously and improve your relationships overall.
5. Serious self-doubt
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Everyone experiences self-doubt at certain times in their life, yet when self-doubt overwhelms someone's ability to perform professionally or foster close relationships, it can be detrimental to their happiness and success.
A social psychology study from 2002 described self-doubt as "A general sense of feeling uncertain about one's competence." The study's authors noted that self-doubt can be a protective behavior linked to someone's sense of competence and self-worth.
A person with high levels of self-doubt likely has lower self-worth, which means that they don't affirm themselves or take themselves seriously. Their internal attitude can spread outwards, making it so other people don't take self-doubters seriously, either.
6. Complaining
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People who constantly complain have developed a self-defeating habit, one that often causes others to have trouble taking them seriously. Of course, no one can be happy all the time, and there's such a thing as being too positive, to the point that it reads as false to other people and creates unhealthy expectations.
Yet having an overly critical attitude can make someone seem like they stew in negativity. Instead of being proactive and trying to change their circumstances, complainers stay stuck where they are, which brings other people down with them.
In order to be taken more seriously, people should aim for practical positivity, meaning that they don't sugar-coat their challenges, but they don't get too dark, either.
7. Breaking promises
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In order to be taken seriously, it's important to keep your word and follow through on the tasks you said you'd complete. Flaky people who cancel plans at the last minute aren't respected or taken seriously, because they constantly let their loved ones down.
Breaking promises in a professional setting can set people back on the corporate ladder, as they're viewed as being inconsistent and not totally trustworthy. By doing what you say you'll do, you win people's respect, which makes them take you seriously.
The same is true in interpersonal relationships. You need to show up when you say you will and not make promises you suspect you won't be able to keep. These are foundational, no matter the setting, because consistency is one of the bedrocks of trust.
8. Not listening
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Listening is a key part of cultivating relationships, both personal and professional. People with the self-defeating habit of poor listening often find themselves struggling to be taken seriously. Worse, they often don't know why.
According to a study reported in "Frontiers In Psychology," organizations need high-quality listeners in order to succeed. The researchers established that employers who have poor listening skills can foster a work environment with high turnover and high rates of employee burnout, along with job dissatisfaction and low commitment to the company. In contrast, high-quality listening creates stronger relationships, which leads to a more positive workplace.
If you want people to take you more seriously, focus on your listening skills and watch your relationships and your position at work improve.
9. Downplaying mistakes
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A person who ignores their own errors or avoids conflict and confrontation is usually taken less seriously than someone who holds themselves accountable for their actions.
Being honest and admitting to mistakes isn't easy, yet it shows the people around you that you're responsible, thoughtful, and that you care what they think. Owning your issues is like ripping off a bandaid: It may sting at first, but the quicker you do it, the better off you'll be.
Being accountable to oneself and others is an indication of maturity, and people will be more likely to respect you and take you seriously if you say when you've done something wrong and work to repair the damage.
10. Stubbornness
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Everyone loves a hero who stands up for what's right and won't give in. In cases like that, stubbornness can be an incredible asset. But people whose stubbornness becomes a self-defeating habit often don't know when to stop.
There are many reasons why a person may become excessively stubborn. Maybe they weren't overly dominated as children and never got to have a say, or maybe they were over-indulged. According to Susan Cross Whitbourne, Ph.D., "Rather than being a personality trait, neuroscience suggests [stubbornness is] all in the way the brain makes predictions." Therefore, it can be overcome.
Regardless of why, being stubborn should be reserved for times when something very critical is on the line. Otherwise, this entrenchment will be seen as mere dramatics, much like the old fable The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
11. Excessive emotionality
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Everyone gets emotional sometimes, and that's a normal, healthy thing. But for some people, mood swings and big emotions become a self-defeating habit that make it hard for them to be taken seriously.
In the workplace, bosses and colleagues need to know that their teammate is going to show up and behave professionally. If that person seems to have a lot of drama around them all the time, are caught crying relatively often, or get in a lot of arguments with others, their emotionality will likely be seen as a liability, no matter how productive or otherwise successful they may be. Ultimately, great leaders recognize the harm done to workplace culture by drama and frequent hightened emotions, and they want to avoid it.
In personal relationships, it's OK to expose your feelings a little more. Still, drama-mongers and chronic over-reactors will often repel people who appreciate security and stability. After all, people like to know that their loved ones can be depended upon, and excessively emotional people are often just too up-and-down to be taken seriously.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
