8 Simple Ways To Start Setting Boundaries You Can Actually Keep

In a recent poll, I asked my readers, "How successful have you been at setting boundaries?" Sadly, 21% felt that setting boundaries just made things worse, and 67% felt that whatever efforts were made didn't last. Only 12% felt that setting boundaries worked and resulted in changed behavior.

Setting boundaries can be challenging because we make these mistakes:

1. We typically tolerate 'boundary violations' for too long because we tell ourselves the person didn't realize, didn't mean it, or had good intentions.

2. We worry that setting boundaries will upset/anger the other person so we do it timidly or we hint/imply and fail to spell out where the line is and why it matters to us.

3. We believe that boundary setting is a one-step process — it's not.

What We Tend to Get Wrong about Setting Boundaries

Most of us experience boundary-setting conversations as uncomfortable and intimidating because they're a form of confrontation. This is also why such conversations often go poorly (and why we have to prepare for them thoughtfully).

Given the emotional discomfort involved, once we have the boundary-setting conversation, we're eager to put it behind us. When the person violates the boundary again (they will), we conclude that our efforts failed and that 'limit setting doesn't work'.

That's incorrect, and here's why.

Misunderstanding about setting boundaries #1

We believe that if the person continues to violate our boundaries they either don't care or are incapable of changing.

You're asking the person to change a habit/behavior they've been doing for a while — one that you've tolerated so far. Remember, you're asking the other person to learn a different way of interacting with you and that takes time and reminders, which is where the maintenance phase of boundary setting comes in.

Expect the boundary to be violated and that you'll need to reinforce it when it happens.

Misunderstanding about setting boundaries #2

We believe that maintaining the boundary means having a 'big conversation' each time.

Thankfully, no. You need to remind them of your conversation, not repeat it. Often a few words are sufficient (e.g., "No put-downs please, remember?" Or "Please give me my charger back — you agreed not to take my stuff without asking first.")

Misunderstanding about setting boundaries #3

We believe that we don't have to call them on every violation as long as they make an effort.

Wrong. Consistency is crucial. Allowing a violation to go unchallenged conveys that the behavior you flagged only bothers you sometimes, which drastically reduces the urgency your initial boundary-setting conversation conveyed.

How To Do Boundary-Setting Right

First, make sure the boundary you're setting is reasonable (in terms of context, culture, etc.) and necessary (for practical reasons, emotional health, etc.).

If you have a sensitivity that requires you to set a stricter boundary (e.g., you have PTSD and need boundaries around noise or raised voices), acknowledge you're asking for something 'exceptional' as owning your sensitivity makes your message easier to hear.

Let's use the following example: You work from home and your mom regularly shows up during the workday ("I was just passing by"). When you ask her to check with you before coming over she says, "I'll just make it a short visit".

You love your mom and she helps with your rent so you feel bad about setting a boundary, but her visits are getting too frequent and disruptive.

1. Think through what you want to say.

This is a delicate conversation to have, so plan it out and be clear about what you're going to say. Don't wing it.

2. Ask for a talk.

Formal, yes, but doing so signals to the other person that this issue is important to you.

3. Convey your message and explain it.

This is a three-parter.

Explain what they've been doing (or not doing) that's been challenging for you.
Tell them why it's challenging — the feelings and reactions it evokes for you.
State exactly what you would like them to do differently.

"Mom, I love seeing you but when you come over during the workday, it makes it difficult for me to be productive and get my work done. I know you try to keep the visits short, but it still breaks my concentration and then it takes a big effort for me to get back into work mode. It would mean a lot to me if you could promise me not to come over during the workday. I promise we'll see each other, just not during work hours."

4. Let them know how you'll behave going forward if they violate the boundary.

"I know you might be tempted though so I wanted to let you know that going forward, if you come during the workday, I won't buzz you into the building. I'll hate doing it and I don't want to be rude but my work is suffering and I don't want to risk my job. I hope you understand."

5. Give them space to react (reassure them if necessary) or ask for clarifications.

Your mom: "Sniff...I didn't think I'd be unwelcome in my own daughter's home!"

You: "I understand your feelings are hurt, but I'm not saying I don't want to see you, I'm saying I want to see you when I'm not working. I know this is a change, but it's important for me and would bring us closer so I'd appreciate it if you could do it."

6. Thank them for listening.

This is a crucial step. Do not skip it.

7. Acknowledge efforts to change briefly and causally.

"Mom, I had a productive week at work. Thanks for hearing me. It means a lot to me."

8. When they violate the boundary again, remind them kindly and gently of your request — each time.

Mom texts a week later: "Honey, I know you're working but I got you this lovely blouse so I'll just stop by quickly to give it to you. Super quick!"

You: "Mom, that's so sweet. But please don't come over now. I'm working and I can't take a break during the workday, remember? But thanks again and I'll pick it up from you when I see you tomorrow for dinner."

Setting boundaries feels uncomfortable and intimidating.