If Any Person In Your Life Uses These 11 Phrases, They're Likely Not A Very Good Person
EVGENII LEONTEV | Shutterstock While “goodness” often varies by culture and situation, “good people” usually have some kind of strong moral character that feeds into their competence, empathy, and general intentionality. On the other hand, a “bad person” can have a spectrum of traits and behaviors from narcissism to blatantly harmful rhetoric that negatively affects everyone around them. While behaviors like spreading rumors and excluding others are noticeable, conversations and language can be more subtle.
Whether it’s saying they’re brutally honest or ending a conversation rudely, if any person in your life uses these specific phrases, they’re likely not a very good person. From “that’s not what I meant,” meant to invalidate your feelings, to “I’m just honest,” these phrases are a giveaway that someone cares more about their own personal needs and well-being than showing up for you.
If any person in your life uses these 11 phrases, they’re likely not a very good person
1. ‘That’s not my problem’
Zoran Jesic | Shutterstock
According to psychology researcher Bobby Hoffman, many people who refuse to offer help to others believe they’re superior in some way. When they decline to help someone, they’re motivated by their own misguided sense of ego. If something isn’t comfortable or doesn't boost their self-image, they’d prefer to avoid it completely.
So, if someone in your life says “that’s not my problem” often when you’re clearly in need of help, they’re likely not a very good person. They’re too selfish to put any effort into helping you, which probably also carries over into your relationship, in general.
2. ‘I didn’t ask’
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Especially in relationships, disengagement is an experience that few couples recover from, according to a study from Personal Relationships. If one person isn’t interested in supporting, appreciating, or making time for the other, of course their partner or friend is going to feel consistently invalidated and overlooked.
So, if you notice someone saying phrases like “I didn’t ask” or “I don’t really care” often in your conversations, chances are they’re likely not a very good person. They care more about talking about themselves and seeking out validation than appreciating your space in conversations.
3. ‘That’s not what I meant’
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
If someone’s always doubling down on harmful language or making excuses for hurting you, chances are they’re likely not a very good person. From phrases like “that’s not what I meant” to justifications like “you’re twisting my words,” people who rely on validation and a positive self-image for comfort may be more likely to twist narratives in their favor.
Even if it means harming you and steamrolling over your concerns, they’re willing to do whatever it takes to boost their own control, power, confidence, and superiority.
4. ‘I’m just brutally honest’
THICHA SATAPITANON | Shutterstock
Someone who disguises their cruelty toward you with misguided humor or phrases like “I’m just brutally honest” is likely not a very good person. They’re not trying to comfort you or validate your emotions — they’re trying to protect themselves from being held accountable and needing to apologize.
As a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains, honesty is great in most situations, but when it’s used to justify selfish harm and hostility, it’s far more dangerous than it seems on the surface.
5. ‘You always make a big deal out of nothing’
f.t. Photographer | Shutterstock
When someone says a phrase like “you make a big deal out of nothing,” what they really mean is “I don’t care enough about your feelings to make space for them.” Whether they’re narcissistic and only worried about themselves, or too entitled to lean into the discomfort of showing up for others, if any person in your life uses this phrase, they’re likely not a very good person.
Especially considering emotional invalidation tends to put personal well-being, mental health, and relationship health at risk, being around a person who consistently dismisses your feelings is more draining than you might realize.
6. ‘You’re overreacting’
WESTOCK PRODUCTIONS | Shutterstock
The primary goal of gaslighters, people who use phrases like “you’re overreacting” or “stop being so dramatic,” is to alter the realities of the people around them. They want people to doubt their opinions and feel insecure about speaking up, because it makes them easier to take advantage of.
They dismiss people’s emotions, paint themselves as the victim, and constantly run away from taking accountability, at the expense of everyone else. They’re so worried about feeling comfortable that they intentionally harm and invalidate others to avoid things like an apology or a vulnerable conversation.
7. ‘This is just who I am’
PLotulitStocker | Shutterstock
People who refuse to change their behavior will always be stuck in bad routines and behaviors, even if the people around them are pleading for growth. They won’t change unless they have some kind of internal motivation to do so. So, if you feel like you’re holding on for a friend to change or a partner to start owning up to their responsibilities, and they’re using excuses like, “this is just who I am,” believe them.
Stop waiting for them to finally start caring about you. Start seeking relationships with people who are not only motivated to grow into their best selves every single day, but are also interested in showing up as the best peer, friend, or partner they can be for others.
Being afraid of change doesn’t make someone a bad person, but making excuses for hurting other people and sabotaging a relationship could.
8. ‘This conversation is over’
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
Open communication, honesty, and support are all essential for building healthy relationships and long-term connections. However, someone who’s operating from an insecure sense of self or an avoidant personality may consistently sabotage them.
From walking away from conflicts and getting defensive to using phrases like “this conversation is over” to stonewalling someone’s emotions, they care more about their comfort in the moment than resolving issues and showing up for the people in their lives.
Even if it’s uncomfortable, good friends and partners will be there for the hard conversations and to make space for your concerns. They won’t turn away the second they’re uncomfortable or feel like they’re being “called out” for bad behavior.
9. ‘If you actually loved me, you wouldn’t do this’
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
The most toxic, manipulative people often weaponize love in their relationships to isolate their victims from seeking help or sticking up for themselves. They use phrases like “if you actually loved me, you wouldn’t do this” or “don’t expect me to come home tonight” to manipulate people into doing what they want, even if it leaves their partner desperate and insecure.
They take the parts of a relationship that should feel unconditional — love, affection, communication — and they hold them over people’s heads to get their way. That’s a clear sign of a bad person, whether you realize it in the moment or not.
10. ‘Why can’t you just let it go?’
fizkes | Shutterstock
If any person in your life uses phrases like “Why can’t you just let it go?” when you’re being honest and openly expressing your feelings, they’re likely not a very good person. They care more about protecting their own image than supporting you. Even for good partners and friends who don’t necessarily agree with someone, they’re still going to cultivate a safe space for open conversations and emotional support.
So, notice how you feel around certain people in your life. Do they shut down the second you bring up a concern, or do they listen and change? Do they make space for your complex feelings, or do they immediately shut you down and run away?
11. ‘This isn’t about you’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Feeling excluded and isolated are powerful feelings that can often chip away at our sense of self-worth and belonging, according to a study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. Even if it’s something small in a conversation, like saying “this isn’t about you” when you’re trying to add your two cents, it’s powerful.
So, if someone in your life is keen on pushing you out and making themselves seem more “important” with exclusion, chances are they’re not a good person.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
