If These 11 Behaviors Feel Embarrassing To You, You Likely Have Strong Social Intelligence
Cast Of Thousands | Shutterstock There’s far more to intelligence than just being book smart. People can demonstrate intelligence in all kinds of different ways and aspects of life, including socially. Someone with strong social intelligence is uniquely aware of how the people around them are feeling and what style of communication needs to be brought to a particular conversation. Of course, these people will find certain behaviors embarrassing because they go against the social status quo.
Ronald E. Riggio, PhD, the Henry R. Kravis Professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology at Claremont McKenna College, noted, “In 1920, psychologist Edward Thorndike defined social intelligence as the ability to understand and manage others and act wisely in social situations.” As someone learns how to respond well in those social situations, it’s only natural that they’ll start to feel like some behaviors are more tactful than others.
If these 11 behaviors feel embarrassing to you, you likely have strong social intelligence:
1. Ignoring emotional cues
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Emotional cues are second nature to people with strong social intelligence, like a second language they speak fluently. Completely ignoring those cues, or not having the ability to pick up on them at all, would be seriously mortifying to anyone with social intelligence. If the thought of making a joke when someone is upset or trying to keep up a cheerful conversation with someone angry sounds humiliating to you, you probably have strong social intelligence.
According to psychosocial rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry, MSEd, “Social communication is an important part of your daily life and relationships, and being able to interpret and react to the emotions of others is essential. It allows you to respond appropriately and build deeper, more meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and loved ones.”
Recognizing emotional cues means you can read other people and recognize what emotions they’re feeling. This helps you make informed decisions about how you should communicate with and respond to them. Not picking up on these cues can lead to some very painful situations that anyone with strong social intelligence would be embarrassed by.
2. Making everything about yourself
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You know those people who monopolize conversations and redirect all talking points back to themselves? That’s not someone with strong social intelligence. Instead, people with social intelligence can tell when someone else is revealing something important to them or sharing a thought that they wouldn’t tell just anyone. In these situations, it’s best not to turn the situation around and make it about you.
Professor Amanda Rose, PhD, shared, “Something very confusing about people who self-focus is that their behavior doesn’t match their goals. They are looking for attention, affirmation, validation, and support, but their behavior pushes people away, so they get none of that.”
It feels nice to receive attention and support, but making everything about you isn’t the way to do it. People with strong social intelligence understand this. If you would be mortified by someone thinking that you were trying to make everything about you or turn their problems around to focus on your own, you probably possess this trait.
3. Oversharing
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Oversharing has really turned into a joke in our culture, and it’s easy to understand why. Someone sharing their most embarrassing moment from third grade in the middle of a conversation with a new acquaintance does seem pretty humorous. But people with tact and social intelligence know that it’s much better to save those kinds of tidbits for when you’re laughing with your best friend on their couch instead of just getting to know someone.
Author and podcaster Polly Campbell said, “By saying too much, to the wrong people, in the wrong spaces — that’s just awkward — and can cost you friends and lead to other negative repercussions that oversharers usually don’t recognize until it’s too late.”
Everyone should have people in their life that they truly feel comfortable oversharing with, but people with strong social intelligence know that isn’t appropriate for just any circumstance with any person. It’s actually quite awkward to get caught up in oversharing in a situation where it’s not socially appropriate. If you understand that, then you probably have strong social intelligence.
4. Joking at the wrong moment
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There are all kinds of situations where joking is inappropriate, such as the aforementioned scenario when someone is deeply upset. If a conversation is tense, serious, sad, or angry, it’s not really best to bring humor into it. Some people may do this in an attempt to diffuse the tension and bring levity to the situation, but that rarely works well.
Therapist Phil Stark, LMFT, stated, “Of course, jokes have their time and place. I don’t think we should all become humorless robots, taking everything literally and at face value. But let’s develop a new sense of awareness about the emotions behind the jokes we make.”
It’s easy for someone to take a joke the wrong way. It becomes even easier when the tone of a conversation is already tense or painful, and a joke just makes everything feel confusing and uncomfortable. If you think it’s embarrassing to tell a joke at the wrong moment, then you probably have strong social intelligence.
5. Excluding someone from the conversation
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Excluding someone from a conversation is typically considered a major faux pas, but that doesn’t stop it from happening. People with strong social intelligence can notice these people who are stuck on the fringes and make sure they feel included and like they’re a part of things. For them, it would be embarrassing to discover they had made someone feel like they were left out.
Health and wellness writer Chantelle Pattemore explained, “As noted, individuals often socially exclude others due to their own insecurities. Be reassured that their actions are likely not a result of anything you’ve done wrong. If anything, they may think you’re too good and feel threatened!”
Of course, not every situation in which someone is excluded from a conversation is intentional. Sometimes, when a person is really quiet or just not really interested in the conversation to begin with, it becomes a little easier for them to fall through the cracks. But just because it can happen doesn’t mean it should. If this sounds mortifying to you, your social intelligence skills are strong.
6. Talking too much
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In a good conversation, the discussion is pretty evenly balanced between all participants. There may be certain situations when one person is telling a story or sharing something personal, and they’ll naturally take up more of the conversation. But not purposefully monopolizing the chat is important.
Cognitive psychology professor Robert N. Kraft, PhD, said, “Talking too much is fundamentally an imbalance between talking and listening. We don’t want to shut down the talkative person. We want to restore the balance. Ultimately, if the person is not reading our frustration or doesn’t acknowledge it, we should ask ourselves if the interaction is worth the continuing frustration.”
Some people are just overly chatty, and that doesn’t mean they should be vilified for being that way. However, if someone is intentionally talking too much, it’s really not a good look. You have strong social intelligence if you know this is the kind of situation you should be embarrassed by.
7. Trying to one-up someone
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If you’ve ever been in a situation where one person talked about something great that happened to them, and then someone else in the conversation immediately shared their great news too, then you know how frustrating it can be when one person tries to one-up another. There’s just no way to win at that game, and it’s pretty tacky to boot. It’s always nice to let someone have their moment without stepping on it.
Psychologist Mark Travers, PhD, explained, “At its core, one-upmanship is propelled by deep-seated insecurities prompting individuals to seek affirmation and validation through comparison. Despite initially seeming like harmless banter or playful rivalry, its underlying motivations can sow seeds of discord and resentment within relationships.”
Trying to best someone now and then as a joke when appropriate is really okay, but making it a habit and getting too serious about it can be cringey. People with strong social intelligence know this, and they’re embarrassed by even the thought of doing so. Their primary goal is to make everyone feel comfortable and at ease when they’re around.
8. Being too formal or too casual for the situation
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People with strong social intelligence know how to read a room. They can tell if a certain situation requires a more formal tone, or if they can act a bit more informally. Often, this can be determined just by knowing who you’re talking to and where you’re talking to them. For example, a job interview is more formal, while chatting with friends is informal.
If you have strong social intelligence, then you wouldn’t think of acting formally or informally when you should really be doing the opposite. Doing so would greatly embarrass you, and you know it would make the entire situation awkward. Unless you’re very close, you just can’t have an informal conversation with the CEO of your company, and you wouldn’t dare try to.
9. Correcting someone in public
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Some people have to always prove they’re right or show off their intelligence, no matter who they’re with or where they are. This can lead to them correcting someone else publicly. Of course, there are some situations where it might be necessary to correct someone, but you should always do so with compassion and grace.
Correcting someone publicly is very condescending and implies that you think more of yourself than you do of that other person. Plus, you’re showing a clear disregard for their feelings. This isn’t just a situation that’s embarrassing for someone with strong social intelligence; it’s also humiliating for the person who is corrected, and should really be avoided.
10. Fishing for compliments
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Another thing that people with strong social intelligence generally avoid is fishing for compliments. It’s not classy to expect people to laud your accomplishments just because, and it’s definitely not classy to bring up those accomplishments in a conversation where they don’t belong to receive those compliments. This would make anyone with good social skills shake their head.
Social psychologist Joachim I. Krueger, PhD, noted, “Fishing is a manipulative and risky tactic. A fisher of great social intelligence nudges the target so subtly that the target complies with the nudge without realizing that they have been played.”
No one wants to be described as manipulative, especially someone who cares about others’ feelings. If you have strong social intelligence, then you recognize how the people around you are feeling, and you want to make sure everyone senses they are welcome. It would be terribly embarrassing to make someone feel otherwise by trying to force them to compliment you.
11. Offering empty sympathy
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One final embarrassing act that people with strong social intelligence would never participate in is offering up meaningless sympathy. Of course, there are times when it would be inappropriate not to express sympathy, like when someone has experienced a loss. But it’s generally frowned upon for people to just say they’re sorry because it makes them look good.
So often, we think that the only way to express sympathy is to apologize to someone, but that’s far from true. The University of Colorado Boulder’s Office of Victim Assistance noted that doing things like sharing a meal or babysitting can be even more meaningful forms of expressing sympathy.
In these cases, you don’t have to offer your sympathy in public at all. You can do so privately and quietly, which adds a layer of authenticity to your feelings. You’re clearly not just acting that way to keep up appearances. If you would be humiliated if someone thought you were, then you have strong social intelligence.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
