You Can Tell Someone Is Secretly Manipulative If They Have These 11 Habits
Eugenio Marongiu | Shutterstock While manipulative personalities often stem from nuanced places — from family trauma, to personality changes, and even from a sense of adversity that hardens a person's sense of empathy and self — they act subtly to harm others and relationships in everyday life. Even the most charismatic people may be secretly narcissistic, sometimes without even realizing it, manipulating people into meeting their needs at the expense of their own through blame-shifting, gaslighting, and psychologically manipulative behaviors.
Even if their manipulative behaviors are subtle, they're not impossible to notice. From breaking you down for their own misguided superiority to seeking victimhood constantly, you can tell someone is secretly manipulative if they have these specific habits.
You can tell someone is secretly manipulative if they have these 11 habits
1. They play the victim
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Rather than seeing ourselves through a constant frame of fragility — always playing the victim or blaming our struggles on others — it's empowering to find a kind of strength in the face of our mistakes and hardships. So, it's not necessarily surprising that manipulative people, who need to harm and hurt others to cope with their deep-rooted insecurity, play the victim for a sense of fleeting control.
They make other people feel guilty and small for voicing their concerns and standing up for themselves — not just so they can play the victim and seek out sympathy, but to avoid accountability that makes them feel small themselves.
You can tell someone is secretly manipulative if you always feel like "the bad guy" when they're around. No matter what you said or did, even if it was empowering to you, they make you feel ashamed for expecting an apology or trying to open a vulnerable conversation.
2. They gaslight you into pushing away feelings
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From phrases like "I was just joking" to justify harmful language and comments to gaslighting you into suppressing emotions with "you're so dramatic," manipulative people hardly let their emotional guard down. They don't make space for their own emotions on a true level, so of course they're not interested in doing that for you.
You can tell someone is manipulative if they're constantly defensive. They're evading accountability and apologies constantly, trying to protect their self-image, even when they're the ones doing harm.
3. They overstep boundaries constantly
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According to licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, manipulative people consistently overstep other people's boundaries, because they perceive themselves to be above the law. Especially if they know the other person is too scared or insecure to assert their boundaries and call them out for disrespecting them, they continue to violate them for their own advantage.
Some even use weaponized ignorance to overstep, claiming that they "didn't know," despite being told multiple times. The best way to deal with this kind of person? Set a boundary and stick to it. If they disrespect it, give them a second chance. If they continue this behavior, create space and walk away. Make it impossible for them to continue taking advantage of you.
4. They keep score
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Transactional relationships are common for manipulative people. Whether it's rooted in a sense of misguided superiority or entitlement, they're always "keeping score" of things that would otherwise be unconditional in a healthy connection. Largely because they're more interested in their own well-being than showing up for others, they're careful about the effort and support they put in, and don't invest it unless they're getting something in return.
Even if it's only doing kind things when other people are around to notice them, they're always feeding into relationships that feel more like business transactions than intimate connections.
5. They always compete and never celebrate
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People who struggle to be happy for others and celebrate them genuinely are often harboring jealousy inside. While this kind of shame and envy doesn't always mean someone is a bad or manipulative person, if someone is constantly competing with you and invalidating your achievements, chances are they might be.
Not only can this constant competition be draining to the people around a manipulative person, but it can also urge them to feed into an unhealthy relationship dynamic. A narcissistic person, with a low sense of self-worth, may use competition to feel secure, even if it comes at the expense of the people around them.
6. They punish your independence
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Manipulative people thrive around people who are insecure, codependent, and uncertain. The more vulnerable they are to falling victim to their manipulative tactics, the better, which is why they rely on gaslighting techniques that spark self-doubt and uncertainty.
If a person is constantly condemning and punishing your independence, rather than celebrating your growth, chances are they're profiting from keeping you weak.
7. They isolate you from the people who care
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Manipulative people often work to isolate their targets from the people who actually care about them. Whether it's spreading rumors and lies to create mistrust or condemning them for having their own independent lives, manipulative people thrive when the people around them are lonely, isolated, and unsupported.
So, if you have a friend who condemns your other relationships or actively talks down on your individuality, chances are they're feeling a sense of control over you that's neither healthy nor productive.
8. They're passive-aggressive when they're upset
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When a manipulative person is upset or angry, they never address the problem directly and express their emotions. Instead, they rely on charged passive-aggressive language and behaviors that subtly hide their anger. Rather than having an honest conversation, where they're at risk of needing to take accountability and lower their own ego, they make people feel "crazy" with gaslighting tendencies and passive-aggressiveness.
They want to feel a sense of power and control over these situations, so disguising their anger with passive-aggressiveness offers that space for them, even if it's at the expense of their relationships.
9. They blame you for everything
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If you always feel drained and unheard by someone in your life, chances are they're not only deeply emotionally manipulative but also a blame-shifter. They paint you as the perpetrator of their pain, even if it's clear that their own lack of accountability is the issue.
As a study from the Journal of Research in Personality explains, people who feel a deep sense of shame often shift blame externally to avoid exacerbating their own emotional turmoil. They blame people for everything, even hurt that they've personally caused, to avoid adding to the shame and guilt they already feel inside.
10. They exploit your weaknesses and insecurities
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Manipulative people often leverage the dark side of emotional intelligence to harm other people. They're often socially aware and are experts at picking up on social cues, but instead of leveraging these skills with empathy, they weaponize what they notice to get what they want.
From picking up on someone's weakness and using them for their own gain to weaponizing a loved one's insecurities to get what they want, you can tell someone is secretly manipulative if they have these habits.
11. They make random accusations
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Making accusations is often a ruse that manipulative people use to avoid taking accountability. They throw around random accusations to shift blame and avoid hurting their own self-image, even if it actively harms their relationships and sense of self-worth.
Especially for narcissistic people who are constantly more caught up in their own well-being, it's not surprising for them to make random accusations to cope with internal discomfort. If they can make everyone else feel small and uncertain, they can get away with more manipulative, self-serving behaviors.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
